Writing Vows

Back in December I received a ring that was replacing a ring that was a promise. The first ring promised that the relationship had purpose and direction. The second ring defined it as leading to commitment. In a few short weeks I will exchange vows with my fiancé and commit my life to him. 

At the moment I'm trying to write my vows and that is no easy task. You see I was raised to believe that if you promised to do something you did all you could not to break that promise. So I've never taken that lightly. Because there is nothing more disappointing and heartbreaking than a broken promise. With my kids when they were little and asked for something or to do something I tried hard not to promise something unless I knew I could make it happen. In my life and work I've tried to always keep my word. 

Since I was married before and so was my fiancé we both are looking at marriage very differently than we did the first time. We don't want to make the same mistakes. Marriage is hard work and takes a one hundred percent commitment from both people. I can't say that I'm perfect and so of course I've made many mistakes in all of my relationships. 

As I think about these vows I can't help but think of the covenant/promise/vow that God made from the beginning to us. 

“And this is the promise that he made to us—eternal life.” 1 John 2:25 ESV

From the beginning everything God intended was for us to be with Him eternally and yet He gave us the free will to choose. We could choose to accept His promise of eternity or as we know choose not to accept. That's a long time to keep a promise. And yet everything in the Bible reflects His continual fulfillment of the promise. Even when people made mistakes. Little mistakes or big mistakes - God still loves us enough to plan for eternity. 

So as I think of my vows I want to be honest and express freely what I want to promise to do as a wife. And I want to do all I can to not break those promises. In order to do that my very first vow to my future husband is to Seek God First. Because only when I seek Him first will I be able to even come close to not breaking my promises. And since I'm human it will take daily and sometimes moment by moment seeking God to keep from messing up. 

I don't want a breakable contract with my future husband - I want a God ordained covenant and that only comes from Him. 

So in just a few short weeks I will put on a new ring that will always remind me of the promises I make. And a visual reminder to just seek God first. 

There Really Is Nothing I Can Do

“Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” Psalm 62:1-2 NIV

I am a fixer. I like to be in control and work for an outcome. Something I can touch and feel and complete. To have the satisfaction of knowing I did it and it worked or grew or whatever the outcome, it was positive. That's good and bad. 

There are many things in life that I can't fix. I can't fix other people, their problems or control the outcome of most of life. I'm not God. Sometimes I think I can control things or tell someone how to fix something but ultimately I can't. 

I got my tattoo when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was the second in my immediate family to be diagnosed with breast cancer but only one of many who have had cancer. My mom was the first to be diagnosed with breast cancer and when she was diagnosed I wasn't even in the state. When my sister was diagnosed I was in the state and realized there wasn't much I could do for her. I went with her to get her hair cut in case she had to have chemo and needed a wig. I brought her some goodies for the hospital but ultimately I couldn't do much. 

Now my mom has been diagnosed again. The other breast and this time not only do I live in the state but in the same house. That means I can be here to help. Of course all I can really do is help with the stuff. Household stuff and just stuff I can control. 

I can't really do anything. I can't fight the fight for her and I can't fix it and make it better. That is ultimately why I got my tattoo. To show my support in a tangible reminder that I can't do anything. 

When my son was small I learned this lesson in a very hard way. I lay next to him in a hospital bed praying that God would take me instead of Him. I realized at that moment that I had no control over this life. Only God has that control. 

Right now I want nothing more than to beg or bargain with God that He would fix my mom. You see the actual diagnosis and surgery aren't really what scares me. It's the unknowns that scare me. The what ifs and what else's that make me worry. It's watching my dad worry because he can't fix it either and he's scared. Scared of what we don't know. And that is where satan wants us to stay. Scared and caught up in the things we can't control or fix. Because if we focus on tomorrow and what we don't know then our focus isn't on the one who does know and who does control the tomorrows. 

God knows exactly what is going on inside of my mom. Far better than any doctor or than us or even her. He knows how hard the fight is going to be or how easy. I just have to remember that for this moment I have enough strength for today. My tattoo is just a physical reminder that there really is nothing I can do but my hope is in the one who controls the world and all that is in it. God is bigger than cancer and He always will be. So for today for this moment I'm gonna stand on the rock that won't be shaken because there is no promise of tomorrow for any of us. 

“Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” James 4:14 NIV

Waiting Sucks

Yep - that's what I said.  Waiting sucks.  It seems like that is all I'm doing these days. 

Waiting for my kids to graduate - they did and I survived.

Waiting for mom's test results - got them and now we wait for the next doctor appointment and the next step. 

Waiting for the potential job.

Waiting for the wedding, and the house and the ...

Waiting, waiting, waiting.  I'm really tired of waiting.  That seems to be one of my weaknesses.  I don't wait well.  I get impatient and try to plan or fix or do whatever might make the waiting go faster.  And often times during the waiting I let my mind figure out all the possible worst case scenarios.  What's the worst thing that could happen after the wait.  That's what I anticipate and then whatever happens usually isn't so bad.

I've heard all the clichés about waiting and I've probably even said some and then I was reminded last night of what my life verse is (you would think I wouldn't have to be reminded - it should just be the first thing I think of).  But I was reminded.  By a God who reminds me of so much that I take for granted.

Isaiah 40:31 (ESV)

³¹ but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint.

 

They who wait - shall renew.  The waiting is for the renewal. I should be resting and renewing and restoring.  That's what God wants for us -  but we have to wait for the Lord.  He will give us what we need for the next step.  How though?  How do I wait for the Lord?  That's the part I haven't' quite gotten right yet.  Sometimes I do it well.  I seek Him in scripture and song.  But sometimes I don't do it so well.  I get frustrated and tired and don't want to do anything.  That's when I give satan a chance to really get me off track. 

 

In the time of waiting - it's like preparing for battle.  I should be taking those quiet times between the struggles to prepare and renew.  To get ready for what is coming next.  It's the unknowns that drive me crazy and why I get so distracted in the waiting.  I just want to know what's next.  What's around the corner. As I was thinking about this today I was reminded that although what I'm waiting for that is unknown to me is known by someone.  GOD KNOWS!!!  He knows exactly what comes next and how and what and when.  He knows what the answer is to the question I haven't even asked.  I don't have to be afraid and I don't have to anticipate the worst or the best because He knows. 

 

As a believer I think that the waiting is especially hard because what we are waiting for is truly the greatest unknown.  We are waiting to be reunited with our God - our Father and to have that running where we don't grow weary and we walk and don't faint and where we mount on eagle wings and soar with the one who created us. 

 

Recently I saw this picture on Facebook and it so made my heart soar.  It's a perfect picture of this verse.  Why do I worry when I have visible reminders of how God provides all around me.  So as I wait - I'm going to do all I can to keep my eyes on the God who makes the eagles soar and try to rest up for whatever may be ahead.

Photo by Sherri Talley