There Really Is Nothing I Can Do

“Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” Psalm 62:1-2 NIV

I am a fixer. I like to be in control and work for an outcome. Something I can touch and feel and complete. To have the satisfaction of knowing I did it and it worked or grew or whatever the outcome, it was positive. That's good and bad. 

There are many things in life that I can't fix. I can't fix other people, their problems or control the outcome of most of life. I'm not God. Sometimes I think I can control things or tell someone how to fix something but ultimately I can't. 

I got my tattoo when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was the second in my immediate family to be diagnosed with breast cancer but only one of many who have had cancer. My mom was the first to be diagnosed with breast cancer and when she was diagnosed I wasn't even in the state. When my sister was diagnosed I was in the state and realized there wasn't much I could do for her. I went with her to get her hair cut in case she had to have chemo and needed a wig. I brought her some goodies for the hospital but ultimately I couldn't do much. 

Now my mom has been diagnosed again. The other breast and this time not only do I live in the state but in the same house. That means I can be here to help. Of course all I can really do is help with the stuff. Household stuff and just stuff I can control. 

I can't really do anything. I can't fight the fight for her and I can't fix it and make it better. That is ultimately why I got my tattoo. To show my support in a tangible reminder that I can't do anything. 

When my son was small I learned this lesson in a very hard way. I lay next to him in a hospital bed praying that God would take me instead of Him. I realized at that moment that I had no control over this life. Only God has that control. 

Right now I want nothing more than to beg or bargain with God that He would fix my mom. You see the actual diagnosis and surgery aren't really what scares me. It's the unknowns that scare me. The what ifs and what else's that make me worry. It's watching my dad worry because he can't fix it either and he's scared. Scared of what we don't know. And that is where satan wants us to stay. Scared and caught up in the things we can't control or fix. Because if we focus on tomorrow and what we don't know then our focus isn't on the one who does know and who does control the tomorrows. 

God knows exactly what is going on inside of my mom. Far better than any doctor or than us or even her. He knows how hard the fight is going to be or how easy. I just have to remember that for this moment I have enough strength for today. My tattoo is just a physical reminder that there really is nothing I can do but my hope is in the one who controls the world and all that is in it. God is bigger than cancer and He always will be. So for today for this moment I'm gonna stand on the rock that won't be shaken because there is no promise of tomorrow for any of us. 

“Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” James 4:14 NIV