So, yes, I married a drunk. Knowingly, whole heartedly bound my life to a man who struggled with addiction. It was hard and messy and beautiful all at the same time. Today I want to tell you why.
In 1984, I met Mike at college. I was a freshman, new and scared of just being away from home by myself and excited to be a part of a great Baptist College.
He was one of the first friends I made. We talked and shared and did the things of the Baptist Student Union together. He was funny, kind and a lot crazy. He was my friend. We never dated, as a matter of fact I dated his younger brother off and on from my sophomore year until I was a senior. We graduated and went our separate ways. Both married to other people and yet destined to come together again.
When my first marriage ended I was quickly overcome with fear and loss. I allowed the darkness of the "what ifs" and the potential of being alone to carry me to a very dark place. God was working to break down some areas of judgment and pride that I didn't even realize existed. He used the time to open a crack in my armor that would eventually shatter into a million pieces.
In 2012, almost two years after my divorce I received a message from Mike. We had very limited contact in the past twenty years or so and I had heard from him and some of his family shortly after my divorce in 2010 in some passing social media messages but nothing of significance. He messaged to tell me that he was going through a divorce. At the time I knew he was an alcoholic because I was told by others of his struggles. As a friend I offered an encouraging word and an ear with the hopes that as I was now through my dark time (or so I thought), maybe I could somehow help him see the light that would come at the end of his dark time.
I thought I understood what alcoholism was. I also thought if someone had a good enough reason they would want to be sober. I quickly learned I was naive and trusting and in for a very large come to Jesus meeting.
The Mike I came to know the second time was not the confident, fun loving Mike I knew from college. He was broken and depressed and so angry. He was struggling and though he told me of his struggles with alcohol I believed him to be sober and I fell in love. Because underneath the anger and depression and brokenness I got glimpses of the Mike I used to know and the amazing man that was drowning in alcohol.
I saw a man whose compassion was overwhelming. He saw the hurt in people and he saw me. He saw parts of me that no one else saw. The broken, scared parts that only God knew.
We dated for a while and when the first drunken episode happened I tried to be strong. I was much stronger than I had ever been explaining to him that I had to maintain boundaries for me and my kids which meant he had to be sober. Regretfully it took a couple of more episodes of drunken behavior and a trip to jail before God decided that it was time to break me apart so He could start to rebuild.
When Mike was in jail God broke some parts of my insecurities into pieces. God reminded me that ultimately I needed to remember that the love He offered through His Son Jesus would fill all my voids and I was never truly alone. And then God called me to show uncommon love to this man who was a drunk. To offer forgiveness and continue to love him. This time with more boundaries and some structure and the realization that if our relationship ended I would be okay.
And then it ended. I discovered I had been lied to and that was where I really had to just walk away. I said goodbye to a piece of my heart and as I did the pieces of me shattered. And then - God. God reached in and started to really do the hard work. He revealed my deepest fears and showed me that faith was more than words. It was trusting a God who knew so much more than I did.
God showed me that the love I had for Mike wasn't enough. I couldn't fix him. I couldn't love him into sobriety. I couldn't fix me or my kids or Mike's kids or any of the things that he had broken or any of the things that I had broken.
God showed me an uncommon love. He reached into the deep, into the darkest parts of me and shined the light of revelation over my co-dependent, enabling, controlling tendencies and there was only one thing left for me to do.
Love God.
Not just with my words.
But with my time.
My energy.
My whole being.
Even if it meant I was never going to have the happily ever after. Even if it meant I would die alone. I just needed to love God.
And for the next few months God tore pieces of me and began to show me pride and judgment and even in my church I looked at broken people from a different perspective. Where once I felt like I had it all together I suddenly realized that I was just as broken - just as ugly - just as much a sinner or crazy person as anyone else. I wasn't any better because I grew up in church. I wasn't any less broken because I knew Jesus and read my Bible. All the "religion" suddenly seemed very fake and very wrong. I realized that what I really needed to do was love God - to be like Jesus and love like Jesus.
After saying goodbye to Mike, God began a work in Mike as well. A few months later I began to see just how big a work God was really doing. Mike and I started talking again. Where I thought there would be the inability to trust - God healed. Where I was afraid I would question the reality of sobriety God showed me what He had done. God had broken Mike and was putting him back together piece by piece. We started talking again and this time it wasn't just words. The actions of sobriety began to speak through Mike. The one thing I told Mike earlier was I wanted him to be well - not just sober - but the best Mike he could be - whether with or without me. I knew then it was an uncommon love because if I didn't get to have a relationship with him I wanted him to be the Mike that i saw before he got sober.
That was almost four years ago and we've been married now one week shy of a year. In that time God has done miraculous things in our lives. Mike is helping broken people and his compassion and understanding and brutal honesty make him an incredible counselor. God has restored all that was lost and bound us both together. The difference being that we both daily strive to seek God first. I don't try to fix him and he doesn't try to fix me. We seek God and strive to encourage each other to be the best we can be.
We are so far from perfect and in a world that looks for love to fill the voids that haunt our souls Mike and I have found the only love that can fill the broken pieces of our lives. Not our love for each other but our love for God. His love is the love that pours out of the cracks of our lives and binds us to each other. We share an uncommon love - one that only God can give.
I love you Mike. Happy almost one year.
1 Corinthians 13:13 "So now faith, hope and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."
This post was inspired by the book Uncommon: Living a Life of Purpose and Pursuit by Carey Scott. You can learn more about the book and order it at http://careyscott.org/uncommon/.
