Attitude Adjustment

Romans 12:2 ESV Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Recently I had to give myself an attitude adjustment. Sometimes I let this world influence my thoughts and actions and I have to seriously adjust what is going on inside my head. This verse is how I adjusted my mental status. I had to capture the negative thoughts and replace them with something that is beyond this world and all of its chaos. 

For some reason I have always struggled with the holiday seasons. It's not that I don't love holidays and celebrations but for some reason it always seems to amplify my ongoing struggle with feeling a part. A part of the groups that I am associated with and even a part of my family. Even when I'm with the people that I love I still feel somehow separate and on the outside looking in. 

This year was no different and I found myself getting angry and jealous of those around me. It was busy this year for Christmas and maybe the rush of a wedding and anticipating new babies and the missing of those who were lost this year or just not present made it seem more intensely lonely than the last few years. I'm really not sure what the difference was and maybe it was just a little anxiety and depression that was affecting my mental status. 

What I found was that I sometimes get caught up in the doing the things that I do, reading my bible, working, spending time with family and I forget to just listen and feel. You see there is only one thing that I can depend on to be there and to always just remind me of what is important and that is my God. I took a walk, and I asked Him to adjust my attitude. He reminded me that part of what I struggle with is the reality that this world is not my home. My heart longs for His presence and when I forget to keep my eyes on eternity and let the distractions of this world and the longings for more here on this earth get me discontent then I get angry and jealous. I want what others have, or I think that this world will somehow fill that void and that is not how it works. 

When you know Jesus as Savior and your heart seeks to fill that hole that only He fills with other things then your heart gets lost a bit. My heart got a little lost this year and I had to recenter myself on Him. He calms my anxious and jealous thoughts. He transforms my heart to have a better attitude about this world. To remember that my one job here is to better reflect Him so others will want to find Him and love Him so that they can live for eternity in His presence. I'm not here to be perfect or to have all the things that this world offers. I'm just here for Him to do His work and to be a living sacrifice for Him. 

Romans 12:1 ESV I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

I pray that if you feel anxious, afraid, jealous, angry, or just plain lost that you will take the time to seek the one who created you and loves you just as you are. I pray you will find your identity in Him and cling to the promises that are in His word. He has great plans for you.

When You Finally Fit

Jeremiah 29:11  "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Today is Labor Day. A day that we celebrate the work that we do by taking a day of rest. Sometimes work is a struggle and sometimes it is a joy. In my life I have experienced a variety of thoughts about work and what I am meant to do. Most times I felt slightly out of place but competent, never feeling like I was quite a part of the whole and not really knowing if a particular position was truly a part of the purpose God had for my life. 

In many areas of life I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Growing up on the move as part of a military family can have that affect. You get used to always moving and going so you never allow for the connections to be permanent. I have struggled more with connection than any other thing in my life, short of control and sadly they go hand in hand. If I don't feel connected then I want to feel in control so I constantly strive to be the best at whatever I am doing and sometimes that makes me competitive. 

The last few years have shifted my perspective on work and fitting in. I am clinging now to this verse,  John 15:19, "If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you." Now don't get me wrong, you have to read the rest of the chapter to truly understand. Jesus is calling us to love all people regardless but to remember that the rulers of the time hated Him and sought to kill Him. Why? Because He was teaching people to love without borders and boundaries and to let go of the rules that were not a part of His plan for the church.

In today's culture Christians have not lived up to their name of being little Christs. I can't point a finger without four of mine pointing back at me. I have lived at times as if I knew all the answers and my way was the only way to follow Christ, but God. He has shown me so much about what a broken sinner I am. I am not perfect, I am not in control and I have no clue how to live this life without Him. He is the reason I am even alive. He is the reason that every day I get up trying to be more like Him than like the world. I don't feel a part of this world, not because I don't fit anymore but because I long for heaven and the perfect place it will be when we are with Him all the time. 

I recently achieved a major goal, I sat for my licensing exam and passed to be called an LMSW, Licensed Mastered Social Worker. Many times over the past years I thought that would never happen but my wonderful encouraging, friend and husband pushed me to step out of my box. It took me a long time to fulfill this goal and what I long ago felt was God's call on my life. So often we think that if God calls us to do something it will immediately come to pass. But what I've learned is sometimes it takes a lifetime. Why? Because he needs to burnish our rough edges so we are better able to fit in the slot where He wants us to be, more like Him and less worried about the status or level of our accomplishments. I couldn't have achieved any of this without God. The two years of school and study were emotionally and mentally exhausting thanks to a variety of challenges. 

For the first time in a long time I truly feel I am in the right place. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally. Oh, I still have a lot of work to do to become like Christ but I see some things so much more clearly and I have a deep appreciation for the new job I have just started. I am using that license and degree to help families. And even more blessed, I am doing it with a team that is truly awe inspiring in their abilities and their heart for God. 

Oh what joy it is to wake up at 5:15 am and know that I am going to a job that is fun but busy and actually work. Sounds crazy, right? But for the first time in a very long time I fill like I fit where God placed me. All of the other positions were building blocks to get me to this place. A place where I can appreciate the job I have been given and strive to do what God wants me to do. I haven't always seen my jobs as a work for God and that is something I regret. He was always watching and I wonder if I didn't fit because I didn't try to do it His way but my way. Colossians 3:23-24 says, "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ." 

So for today I'm going to rest in the Lord, knowing that life is not supposed to be easy if we are striving to be like Him, but it is supposed to be joyful. Even during the hard times we can cling to His joy and peace. Knowing that His plan is for a future and hope. HAPPY LABOR DAY!  

The Blog I Don't Want to Write

I have put off this blog for months. I wanted to write it back in August but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to the words. It has bubbled and churned and driven me crazy for the last four months and I really still don't want to write it but I have to get the words out of my head. They keep me up at night and then make my emotions all crazy. 

You see this is about 2020. The year that was supposed to scream about unity and connection, the word I chose for 2020. It was supposed to be about closer relationships and a clearer vision of where God wanted me to be used. But God. He had a plan I couldn't possibly imagine. He wanted to shake up my world even more. He wanted me to dig deep inside myself and connect in a different way than I had planned. He has pushed me to look at my connection to Him and how that spills onto other people. 

This year has been so full of so much stuff. Ugly stuff, good stuff, fun stuff, and scary stuff. I have struggled emotionally and with a lot fear and grief. Which of course is why I chose to take a Grief and Bereavement class as an elective in my last module. So this year brought weddings, family health struggles, physically and mentally, losses of jobs and freedoms as well as some legal battles and of course the virus and hurricanes. It was chock full of making time for family even when the fear of the virus overwhelmed. Because one thing that I realized in this year is that I can't make it without my family. I can live without the outside connections that have been ravaged this year but my family keeps me sane. They are the ones who let me cry and fuss and vent without fear of repercussions. They still love me when I ugly cry or take out my frustrations on them instead of processing them appropriately. 

So on to the deep soul searching. 2020 has taught me some hard truths about myself. I require discipline to function. Scheduled time and consistency help me stay focused. When I have too much free time my mind gets to be a very dark place. So I learned that early morning yoga and setting time for my school work was essential. 

One of the hardest things I learned is that when I look too deeply at what is going on with others and compare that to my circumstances I can become an ugly person. When I let the ugly of the world too deeply in my head then it spills out in how I react and treat people. This year what I took for confidence and wisdom, someone else saw as arrogance and condescension. That hurt my heart in ways I can't even begin to describe. But I realized that I had become tired. Tired of being taken advantage of and treated differently than others and I let that come through in negative behavior. I learned that I have to remember that just because I think something is right and good others may not.

I also learned the importance of truly being able to self analyze. If you can't look at your own self deep inside and see what is broken or struggling and seek to mend it then you can't love. You can't share the deep love that you may have for others if all the ugly, negative stuff you carry inside spills out everywhere you go. And trust me that the negative in you will spill out if you don't appropriately deal with it.

So in January I will start my second internship. My first had to be online due to the virus and the hurricanes. I was looking forward to being able to work and do my internship but I ended up jobless with my internship online instead of hands on. It was a challenge to say the least. Forty hours a week online trying to keep my head on straight and still do the other class work that was required. So prayerfully I will do the second one actually in the field and to be honest I'm a bit scared. I'll be working with actual people again and some days I don't think I do people well anymore. I question my abilities and skills and the whole purpose of this degree. Why? Because of comments made by one person that I let in my head. 

Another thing I learned is that when your hormones are jacked up by drugs you may not recognize who you see in the mirror. The inability and lack of desire to stay on a regular fitness schedule added to the pushed menopause from the tamoxifen really sucks. I have struggled with trying to stay healthy and emotionally stable. These are not easy when the drugs you are taking create havoc with your system. 

So here I am writing the blog I didn't want to write and spilling out all my hurt. I've felt like a failure as a mother, a wife, a student, an employee and a friend this year and I'm tired. But God. He led me to read Luke starting December first and what a joy to see the light that Jesus brought to our world. God loved us enough to send His Son, His Son loved us enough that He met the hurting, broken and overlooked right where they were and gave them hope for change. His Son sent Holy Spirit to empower us to love and be like Jesus. That is amazing. Many days I forget that I have Holy Spirit power to make it through the hard times but then some little something small reminds me of what I have to be thankful for. 

I am so thankful for my family and for the Joy that I have knowing that God came to earth as a man for me. He died for me. He lived for me. He welcomes me and someday I will sit at his feet for eternity. This is not my home and all the heartache and fear and failure is just a step on the way to where I will spend my eternity. My deepest heartache and prayer is that my family, my friends and those in my circle will be there too.

In Luke chapter 8 Jesus says "No one after lighting a lamp covers it with a jar or puts it under a bed, but puts it on a stand so that those who enter may see the light. For nothing is hidden  that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light (Luke 8:16-17, ESV). I haven't felt much like a light this year. I've felt very dark. So as I move into 2021 I am hoping that I will be able to find the light inside that the Holy Spirit gives and share it with those who need help finding their way out of the dark. 

In my house I have two nativity sets. One is part of a collection started years ago, the other is one that is allowed to be played with. It is my favorite. It is for the children. The story of love come to earth that can be touched and held. I pray that this Christmas if you have struggled in any way you will come with me to the manger and hold the baby Jesus and remember that He came for you just like He did for me. 

Crying is Cathartic

Psalm 30:5 (ESV) For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime.Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Sometimes you just need a good cry. Something about pouring out your frustration, anger or sorrow can just renew your mind and spirit. Today is that day. This has been a weird time for me emotionally. In January I started grad school knowing that shortly thereafter I would be watching my baby girl get married. A permanent move from being my baby to being a wife. A separate family from her family of origin. It was a lot. Then I was anticipating the graduation of my baby boy. A young man who has taken great strides in his growth and maturity. A young man who struggled with ADD in school and managed college without any medication. Held down a job while he worked hard to do well and sculpt cool pieces of art. Then we all got hit with this craziness we are all currently living, COVID 19. 

Photo by Alana Mae Photography

Grief comes in many forms and can sneak up on you when you least expect. We grieve the things that aren't what we were expecting or the things that break our hearts. The loss, hurts, family discord, or just the normal routine and life that we prefer. I knew that the beginnings and endings with my kids would be hard but I thought I would be able to hold them and dye eggs at Easter, or plan to celebrate graduation with a big family event. To visit with them and love on them even as we faced the transitions. But this crazy virus changed all of that. Instead I have been uprooted in my routine. I can't just choose to go see them on a weekend or see my parents or siblings. I can't just go run to the store to get flowers to put on a grave. All the things I thought I would be doing uprooted and blew up with one word - quarantine. 

My husband and I are considered essential. Although I have worked some from home and some from my office he has spent every day going in to work. It has been a little scary and yet we both are committed to caring for other people. We just keep doing what we do and pray that our God will keep us safe. The quarantine hasn't been that hard for us in the grand scheme of things. We don't do a lot anyway but its knowing that I can't just get in my car and go north that is causing me grief. 

 I miss my people. I want to go see my family and yet I don't want to bring any potential illness. I want normal. I want my routine back and I want to be able to just go to the store or a restaurant and not feel like I need a mask or gloves to be safe. I want gas prices to go back up so our economy doesn't bottom out. 

Today my Sarah would be 23. You would think by now the grief would be gone and yet its not. Some years it isn't as raw or hurtful, but this year because of all the lack of normal it seems to be a bit overwhelming. I wouldn't trade the babies I had for anything but some days I wouldn't mind for my Lord to just take us all home so we aren't separated anymore. I would love to walk down the paved streets with Jesus and my family. All of them. To be in the presence of Jesus and my people is truly what heaven will be for me. I can't imagine anything better. 

For today though, I'm just gonna cry. I'm gonna let the hurt and frustration of changed lives and changed plans wash out through my eyes. I'm gonna trust that my God who supplies all my needs will just give me His peace for today. And then I'm gonna do homework because well I kind of like that A average I've got going in grad school. That too has been impacted by the virus. Where I should be starting my internship in May it will now be in August. But I know my God was aware of all of this and He is going to keep walking with me daily when I seek Him.

So to anyone out there missing your family or friends or normal know that there is a God who wipes our tears and promises someday we will never weep again. 

 Revelation 21:4 (ESV) He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Unity of Connection

It is officially 2020.  A great year to remind us of clarity and vision.  This year my word is Connection.  By definition connection means a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something or someone else. Connecting has always been a struggle for me.  I have a big heart for people and I'm overly empathetic which over the years has led to much pain and heartache at the hands of unknowing people.  So over the years I built some walls and decided that pajamas and books or TV were preferable to true connection and relationships.  People are just extra hard sometimes and over the years I found it easier to avoid connection than to let anyone know too much or get too close.   When I was thinking of this word I was in the process of agreeing to step out of my comfort zone and lead a bible study group that I am involved in.  I joined this group for the very reason that I needed to connect.  As I began to think about this blog I looked over some of the recent ones and realized that just a few short months ago I wrote a blog called connection.  It was about a friend who I allowed myself to connect with who had passed away.  God's timing is so amazing.  That word and the steps I've taken since she passed away have led me to truly seek to be more intentionally connected. 

In the last few months God has been opening my eyes to the relationship between connection and unity.  Our churches and country seem so very disconnected right now and I believe that our culture today is lacking in both connection and unity.  I also believe that it is hard to have unity without connection.  I don't mean that unity means we are all thinking and believing exactly the same.  I believe that unity in the body is all believers seeking on major unifying factor - Jesus Christ.  When as believers we start to truly seek God through His word then we begin to love differently and look at the world differently.  I don't mean that we just love and overlook what scripture says but that we love people so that they want to know Christ and walk away changed.  Every encounter in the Bible that someone had with Christ they were loved into changing.  They made a connection with the life source that frees us from sin.  They not only walked away healed from their sickness but also from their sins. 

Unity does not happen without connection.  If you don't open yourself up with transparency and intimacy you can't love and see another person for who they really are.  It is impossible to fully unite with someone or something without an initial connection.  I'm prone to isolation myself and wonder at times the stories I've missed out on and the experiences I passed over because I didn't take a chance and connect with someone.  So this year I plan to be intentional in my connections.  Trying to be more aware of opportunities to let people a little closer and try to be more open to the hearts of those around me.  I hope that as you walk through this New Year you will strive to be connected in order to be more united in love.  Not allowing the world or differences in lifestyles, or religions drive you further apart.  Love like Jesus and He will do the uniting. 

1 Corinthians 12:12-13 ESV For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. ¹³ For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.

Another Trip Around the Sun

Ecclesiastes 3 talks about the seasons of life and there is a time for everything. I am reminded today on my 53 birthday how true this is.  Last year I celebrated with all my people and got this cool picture frame from some of the people I call my kids.

In the year since my birthday:
     My daughter got engaged
     I moved
     I was diagnosed with breast cancer
     I had surgery to remove and replace my breasts
     My husband had some job changes
     I flooded my car and had the engine replaced
     My son went to Italy - ALONE!!! (at least without his family)
     and in the midst of those things we walked through a variety of struggles with others.

I would like to think that the next year will be smooth sailing.  But in the not too distant future we will have two weddings and my son will graduate college.  And if the good Lord allows it I will start my master's degree in Social Work.

As I have faced all of this in the past year I have also had to deal with a lot of fear and some deep dark places in my mind and heart.  You see I have a tendency to dwell on the worst and worry about how it will all work out.  I have physically practiced taking my thoughts captive and stopping them or telling them the TRUTH!!  Because what I have to remind myself of is that if I don't take them to task and speak the truth to my thoughts they will overwhelm me and take me to a deep pit of despair.

I have had to remind myself that my thoughts are often not the truth.  They are overshadowed by past experiences and the reactionary process to those experiences.  In other words what my past tells me is to expect what I got from someone else or what the world tells me should be.  You see I'm human and I get scared of the what might happens, and what ifs, and what will everybody else think or the ever present comparison game.

Man does that comparison stuff suck.  My journey and the people who may be walking a similar one will never be the same.  My cancer may not have been as bad, I may not have had to have chemo or lost my hair but the losses I have been dealing with lately have a lot more to do with the inward battle.  Will the cancer return, will I get all the feeling back in my breasts, will they look okay, will the clothes I wear fit right or look right.  Will anyone notice but me and if I notice will it shake me so much that my confidence or lack of will be affected.

And then God.  He sent me back to some awesome stories of imperfect people, David and Joseph and so many more.  They faced some crazy broken issues and sin and God still included their stories in His word.  I've been reading some Sheila Walsh books and they have spoken to that broken, not okay, place in my spirit.  The place that satan likes to wiggle around and try to get my focus off of God.

You see my faith, my belief that God is who He says and that His Son came to free us from the laws of religion and from our sin, hold me up and helps me look at my emotions and thoughts with His truth.  When I dissect what's going through my head and heart and hold it up next to His Word then I'm reminded that life is seasons.  And just like the weather seasons can change quickly so can the seasons of my life.

So for today, I will celebrate with my peeps and enjoy the glory of God who frees and restores the broken and builds family from so many places.

Connection

I have a piece of art, currently in storage, that is a beautiful calligraphy with a dried flower in the corner. The verse is one that over the years has helped me overcome being shy and moving often. It’s a reminder to make the connection with people that is so easy to just overlook.

“Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.”  Hebrews‬ ‭13:2‬ ‭ESV

I bought this piece of art at a craft show in Angel Fire, New Mexico at the First Baptist Church. Partly because I loved the artist and because I knew how hard it was to be the stranger. The artist was Susie Tate. One of those people that always had a smile and just wasn’t  afraid to let the world see her heart for Jesus. She was the daycare director who loved on my little dude and helped him learn about Paul Bunyan and how to trim his eyelashes. So really he was just so quick she never saw him do it and was so afraid I would be upset. I wasn’t. He likes to cut things.

Susie died this past Friday and my heart broke. She was one of those people you just connect with. She was so easy to talk to and so fun to be around. Even in her struggles she exuded joy and faith. We prayed, cried and laughed a lot together. We connected and I wanted to be able to show joy like she did. She was there when we faced some struggles and just knew how to be in your presence without you feeling like you had to entertain or work to be social.

For the past couple of years Susie has been sending me notes of encouragement through Instagram. Shared pictures of faith and reminders that even in the hard times we serve a big God. Literally the day before she died she was still trying to encourage. I had no idea she was sick and so her death was a bit of a shock.

When God puts people together the connection doesn’t ever stop. The joy of knowing that one day I will see her again is so wonderful. That doesn’t make knowing she is gone any easier though. Because I knew that no matter where I was if I needed her voice I could call or send a message and get a smile.

Today I was blessed to hear from her daughter. Another beautiful joy filled reminder of her amazing life. She told me I could steal a picture to put with my blog because I knew I needed to process. I really can’t thank God enough for blessing me with the knowing of someone like Susie. I can’t wait to see her again.

Thank you Mikki for letting me share this. I look forward to seeing you grow to be even more like her every day. Love you Susie and will most definitely miss you. I know you are so happy to be with the Jesus you loved so much.

Swirling Winds

“And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.” Mark‬ ‭4:39‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Being a mom had its challenges when my kids were little. We faced many trials that often caused me to question myself and whether they would ever make it to adulthood. I really thought it was hard. And I was tired and weary most of the time. 

I had no clue what hard really looked like as a parent until recently. I had faced losing a child, and holding one I thought would die. They graduated and moved away and through it all I was constantly reminded I had no control. More recently it became clear that being the parent of adult children is even harder. The work is not as physical but it can be more heart breaking and emotionally draining. 

On April 25th at 3:10 am I received a text from my son. It read:

“I'm giving you a quick update. About and hour and 10 minutes ago, a tornado hit our parking lot. Nobody is hurt, I'm okay. I had a panic attack. Rebecca and some dorm mates helped me through it. I'm okay. But there's some bad damage. Pray for all of campus. For sure quite a few cars got damaged and/or totaled.”

I don’t always wake up when I get a text at that hour but for some reason I did and I told myself they were okay go back to sleep and tomorrow you can see how bad it was. Well the tears barely stopped as I looked at videos and pictures of the damage. The picture below is from right outside his dorm. There was so much to see and a lot of sorrow as there were also lives lost. But the hardest part for me was that I wasn’t there. My son struggles with storms and I wasn’t there to walk with him and my daughter as they faced an act of nature. 

Every day as a parent is hard and when your kids are young you think that one day it won’t be so hard. But that’s just a lie. I fully believe that no matter the age of the children parenting is a challenge we can only manage with prayer and faith. There are big challenges and little challenges and sometimes we feel way overwhelmed and under appreciated. But the real blessing comes when we look at how our kids face the hard times and learn to be independent and strong. 

I am so blessed to see my kids face their struggles, make choices and face their consequences and still stay positive. My prayer is that in the days ahead as we face weddings, one trip further away they ever and many more hard and fun times they will remember that God is the central strength to run to. Seeking Him first will always get you through the next day. And I pray this momma heart remembers that too. Because there are still many hard days ahead. 

I love you my babies. I thank God for my parents and don’t know how they survived all the years with us. 

Legacy of Strength

What is strength?  The dictionary says this.

I believe this is a good definition. Strength is something we all want to have.  I have been called strong at many different times in my life.  When I survived losses in life.  When I worked long and hard even when tired.  When I walked through physical pain in a way others might not.  All of these might make it seem as if I was strong but most of the time I don't feel very strong.  I just feel like I have to keep going.  Keep moving, keep putting one foot in front of the other until the darkness fades and I start to see the light again.  

A legacy is defined by the dictionary like this.

My kids probably won't get much from the first but I hope to leave them a legacy of strength.  

I want them to know how to build the strength that keeps you moving.  In my lifetime I have seen many people leave a legacy of strength.  Some fought in wars, some fought illness, some chose not to fight and lived a life full of grace every moment which took great strength. 

In my family tree there is a legacy of strength.  The strength that each generation draws from comes from the same source.  A deep pool of faith.  There were no perfect people or perfect Christians.  We were judgmental and often saw the speck in someone else's eye before we saw the log in our own.  We were flawed and we got angry and we sometimes said the wrong thing or made the wrong choice.  But I believe I can honestly say I learned from my ancestors a legacy of love and faith.  

In our culture today so often we have an ideal of what our legacy should be.  A famous name or a large amount of wealth.  We should be able to leave our children better off than we were.  And that is what I hope to leave my children and all those who I've encountered in this lifetime.  I hope that one day when they think of me they think of the one thing that defined my strength.  I hope and pray they think of Jesus.  

My prayer is that my children and grandchildren will not think of the mistakes I made or the bad choices or the things I got wrong.  I hope that they will just remember that I somehow along the way pointed them to Jesus.  He is my strength and my hope.  

Right now I feel pretty weak.  Un-strong if you will.  The fear of unknowns and what ifs can start to overwhelm me in a hurry if I take my eyes off of the source of my strength.  A cancer diagnoses and the thought of surgery and recovery and the god awful medical bills and time off from work and - you get the picture.  I'm scared.  Scared of what I don't know how to control.  

So I have to refocus my thoughts and keep the relationship that is the most important at a level of intimacy that no one else can understand.  This is my journey and I will choose how to fight and when to sit back and rest.  I have friends who are tired of fighting and some who are just getting started like me.  It's when we lose sight of the moment and look too far forward that we lose our strength.  Because strength is built in the trenches.  In the daily use of the muscles that build them up.  The strength of perseverance comes through persevering. 

Today I'm just admitting my weakness.  I'm just human and I just have hope in the one who knows every single cell in my body.  Even the broken cancer ridden cells.  And I will cling to the hope of knowing He holds my future.  

Corinthians 12:9(ESV) But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Packing Boxes

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, ESV  For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

I have packed so many boxes in my lifetime that I couldn't begin to count them even if I tried.  Each time I have packed a box there has been a myriad of emotions.  They range from excitement to sadness, from enthusiasm to drudgery and a wide range of emotions in between.  

Most of my packing has been from state to state, city to city or home to home.  But I have also had the sad task of packing up boxes of someone who has passed away.  You pack away a lifetime of memories and belongings to be sold or given away or claimed by family.  

Moving is an adventure.  One I've endured so many times that I have to be honest - I am an expert packer.  But it is also a drudgery.  Each move and packing of boxes signifies an ending and a beginning.  It usually requires many boring tasks like wrapping fragile items and going through stuff that you have to decide if you will need or if it can be tossed.  It also brings up old memories and some laughter and tears.  

Right now I am packing up our belongings to put in storage for a year while we decide if we want to build or buy a house.  We are putting some things in storage and some into a new apartment.  I'm kind of excited about the apartment - no grass to mow and less than five minutes to my office.  But the packing part has been a little harder than I was anticipating.  This weekend my sweet baby girl and her - fiance - came to help.  That fiance thing is a challenge in and of itself.  It's a change coming I'm not quite ready for.  I love him but it's hard to watch our kids grow up and move on.  

And that leads to why this packing is harder.  This weekend I packed up my baby boy's belongings to put in storage, without him.  He is at school and this summer he didn't come home.  He did a very responsible thing and held down a job to save money for a trip he wants to take next summer.  It was packing up an ending.  The end of my son being a child.  As I put his stuff in boxes or bagged stuff for his sister to take back for him to go through I realized that he would probably not come home again to stay.  Next time he comes and the times ahead will be passing through times.  Moving from the college phase to the work and on his own phase.  

It's been a hard summer.  As a mom my goal was to help my kids find their place in the world as functioning adults.  In my heart I prayed that they would be God adoring functioning adults.  I see them now and I am beyond proud.  They are both amazing.  Of course they will always be my babies but they don't need me to do the same things for them anymore.  I don't see them as often and I don't get to tuck them in at night.  Now I just do a lot of praying and try to give wise counsel when they call.  

There is a season for everything and packing boxes is just one of those seasons.  The changes are always a challenge and I just keep praying that God will keep showing me how to guide my children as they become strong adults.  Hug your babies.  They just don't stay tiny for long.  It seems like yesterday and then they are big.  

Dust Bunnies

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.  PSA.51.10.ESV

I am not a fan of dusting.  It is one of those chores that I put off until the last possible minute.  Typically that comes about when I notice I can write on the table or the dust bunnies start to look like they can carry off the dog.  Oh, I clean my house, vacuum, mop, and all the other fun tasks but I just don't dust weekly.

Today was a dust day.  It was time and it seemed that it spoke volumes to me this morning.  I was contemplating some other emotional struggles and in light of those I had a small epiphany.  How do those tiny little particles of dust come together to create visible dust bunnies?

Little specs of nothing seem to gather together and create piles and strips of thick dust.  It is overwhelming to contemplate.  In light of my epiphany I had this thought.  Emotions are the same way.  So often we store up little hurts or little perceived negative feelings until they become nasty little or big dust bunnies.  The big difference between dust and emotions is that when you want you can wash away dust bunnies.  Just sweep them out and mop.  Feelings and emotions don't quite work that way.  

Emotions that are spawned by tiny little feelings can suddenly spew out in great negatives unless we learn to take them captive.  The problem is that if we aren't addressing them on a regular basis then when we finally do we are seen as being mean or ugly.  What should ideally happen is we should communicate the hurts early and often so they don't fester and mold into giant dust bunny farms.  

Sometimes we easily recognize the hurt feelings or perceived slights and we can rationally process them as most likely our own over active imagination.  But when enough perceived hurts come together then the perception tends to become the reality.  What we perceive as real is what we usually believe to be real.  I tend to over think my emotions and usually will just keep them locked up and process them in my own quiet until I can control them.  But every now and then they sneak up on me and come out.  Our emotions will escape their borders if we don't process and deal with them and that is something I so easily forget. 

I was talking to my son just this week and he was washing dishes that had gotten a little smelly.  I reminded him that the longer they sit the more they smell.  It's the same with dust and hurt feelings.  The longer they sit the bigger we let them become. I find when I let it sit too long then I have to apologize to someone for overreacting to something.  

Maybe one day I will be able to just not let the little things hurt my feelings and then it won't matter but that is something I'm still working on.  Just like the verse Romans 12:2,

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

I have to learn to take my emotions and hurt feelings and give them to God.  Otherwise they take over and create other issues.  So I am still working on putting this verse into action.  Transforming my mind to stop focusing on me and focus more on Him. It's the only way to keep those pesky emotions from becoming giant dust bunnies. 

Religion or Relationship

““What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you are filthy—full of greed and self-indulgence! You blind Pharisee! First wash the inside of the cup and the dish, and then the outside will become clean, too.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭23:25-26‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Today my uncle passed away.  He is the youngest brother to my dad and for the last couple of years he has been in a nursing home.  When my dad called this morning I knew it wasn't good news because its Father's Day and it should have been me calling but I wasn't even awake yet.  So I figured it was something else and of course it was.  In the last few years I've watched my dad go to the nursing home and then come back sad and disheartened because he knew his brother was slipping away.  I couldn't bring myself to go because I wanted to remember him as he was sitting on the porch telling stories with my dad.  I didn't want to see him lost and confused. 

He was the youngest son.  Kind of the black sheep and to me he always seemed a little lost and that made me sad and always extra grateful to see him and get to hug him a little tighter. He was single when he passed and had no children.  Just a bunch of siblings and nieces and nephews and great nieces and nephews.  I think that's why I worried most about his relationship. 

You see we grew up in the South and as most people from the south or around the south we know about Jesus.  We grew up in religion.  It didn't matter what religion you actively or inactively participated in, if you were from the south you likely called yourself a Christian.  Just because we knew about religion.  Always in church and always hearing about religion.  Over the years I believe this is why so many have come to think of Christians as judgmental and holier than thou.  We thought if you weren't actively involved in the rules and regulations of whatever religion you were a part of then you weren't as good as us.

Churches were so segregated - not just racially but by religion.  If you weren't Catholic or Baptist or Pentecostal or Church of Christ or whatever you believed because of your background then you were judged by other denominations as less holy or religions.  I lived it, I practiced it and then I started to look a little deeper.  I started to really look at the difference between religion - how we practice what we believe, and relationship - how we lived what we believe. 

You see I believe that religion isn't nearly as important as relationship.  That's why were created after all.  To be in relationship with God.  He wanted us to be a part of His creation and to walk with Him and talk with Him in the garden.  I began to see that Jesus was far more interested in our hearts than the rules of the religion that we practiced.  He was far more interested in my heart and my talking and walking with Him than what church I attended and what Bible translation I was reading. 

When you really look at the life of Jesus you will see that He was more interested in the brokenness of mankind than the religious laws that man had put in place.  He came to build relationship.  He wants us to long to be in His presence.  To seek out His word and His love and His presence more than making sure we are following the laws of some religion. 

Churches are awesome.  They allow us to come together and jointly reach out to others.  To share a heart for Jesus.  But no church is perfect.  No religion is perfect.  No person is perfect.  Only when we recognize that, will we start to recognize the need for relationship.  Because we can't reach out to anyone in love unless we first learn what real love is.  And I know that I can't know what real love is unless I go to the source.  The Savior who willingly laid down His life so mine could be changed.  He loved everyone - and everyone who came in contact with Him walked away changed.  He is the change that we need.  His love is the only love. 

“For this is how God loved the world: He gave3:16 Or For God loved the world so much that he gave. his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. 17God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:16-17 NLT 

But to know that love and to find that change we have to build the relationship.  I know my uncle knew about Jesus.  But it breaks my heart to say that I really don't know if he knew Jesus.  I don't know what his relationship with the Savior was and I'm ashamed that I didn't take the time to truly build a relationship where I could ask the question and find the answer. 

Our heavenly Father is the perfect example of a relationship builder.  He wanted it so bad that He willingly let us choose sin and then freely gave His Son to redeem us and then went further to send the Holy Spirit to walk with us and teach us what relationship should really be. 

I don't know what your relationship with your father is like and that may cloud your view of God.  But if you know about Jesus then I would pray that you would ask the Father above to show you how to desire a relationship with Jesus.  The kind of relationship where you can bare all the hurts and broken pieces of your soul and know that you won't be judged but you will be loved. 

Jesus longs for us to know Him so intimately that we tell Him and share with Him the things that we would never dream of telling anyone else.  To truly know Jesus all you have to do is seek Him.  He doesn't run and hide from you.  He is waiting in the pages of the Bible, in the quiet of the night, in the beauty of a flower and the majesty of a mountain.  Jesus is right there just waiting on you to seek Him.  And when you do He will walk into your life and start the change that only He can.

So I ask you today.  Do you have religion or do you have a relationship with the God who loves you and knows you best?  If you just have religion I pray that you will find relationship.

I AM ENOUGH

Lately God has really been hammering my heart about this whole issue of comparison and feelings of inadequacy.  It's funny even how often I've read a blog or heard someone speak about how we so often get caught up in this world of comparison. 

I don't know  really where or when but I remember as far back as elementary school and junior high reading the book "Are  You There God, It's Me Margaret" and how often I compared myself to those around me.  And somehow in my mind I never seemed to measure up. 

I wasn't tall enough, skinny enough, smart enough, fast enough, whatever enough.  I didn't think I could sing as well a someone else or I didn't think I was as pretty as someone else.  Not as spiritual or didn't pray enough or right.  I was a tomboy who was very shy and that just complicated the issue because I was always in my own head (as I've said before - a very scary place at times). 

Over time these not enoughs led me to a place of just wanting to be seen.  Noticed, accepted and loved as enough.  I just wanted to be enough to not keep comparing myself and seeming to be on the short end of the stick.  Even though I knew I was loved and had friends and family I still felt the need to compare myself to what I saw in other people.  There was always someone who seemed better. 

As I was able to rationalize that this was all in my head I got better at letting it go and yet in the back of my mind it was always there.  Comparing my mothering skills to someone else's.  Or my situation or whatever.  With all of this I have a very competitive nature which pretty much meant that I always had a measuring stick even when I thought I didn't.

Recently I was hit with a life situation that triggered some serious not enough thoughts.  Things that I thought I was past and had actually dealt with and moved on from.  I felt like all those past not enoughs rushed up and hit me in the face.  I was really struggling to find my worth and value.  Life has a way of doing that doesn't it.  Sneaking up and slapping us right at the weakest moment when all the lifey things are happening at once.  The comparing myself to others - those with money, or sex appeal, or magazine pictures and pretty facades that really aren't truth - nearly took me under. 

But then God.  I was sitting in worship two Sundays ago and it was as if God reached down and smacked me on the back of the head.  With God, I AM ENOUGH!!.  He created me just the way I am and He loved me before I was even conceived.  So much so that He sent His only Son to die for me.  He reminded me of the verse in Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

There is a song out right now by Cory Asbury, called Reckless Love.  It is a powerful reminder that God chases us down even when we are wallowing in our darkest thoughts.  This phrase really strikes to the heart of my comparison lies.  "There is no wall you won't kick down, lie you won't tear down -coming after me".  God is the light that tears down the lies. His word is what pulls me from the depths of comparison and reminds me that I really don't want to be like the world I compare myself to. 

What freedom comes from God.  He tears down all the lies of the enemy and the lies that I've fed myself for so many years.  In God I am enough.  He makes me more than enough.

The Power of Fear

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately.  How easily it can overwhelm me and make me feel lost and alone.  There is so much in our world today that contributes to a fearful spirit.  War, turmoil among people - every day my news feeds are filled with horrible things happening to people.  It often makes me want to just go find a place to hide and not be a part of this world. 

Fear in and of itself is just a word. An emotion that we give way too much power.  The things that I am so often afraid of never come to pass or are way less worrisome than I think they are going to be.

I recall a time where I would easily try new things and I wasn't afraid of adventures or climbing trees.  People were always the hardest though.  I was always afraid of what other people might think about me and my choices and the way my life looked.  Lately I've wondered what happened to the little kid who felt secure and free enough to just climb the tree.  Why does making a choice or trying something new tie me up in knots?

Why do I worry what someone will think about the decisions I make?  Why do I try to pass that fear on to others by making them question what they should do or not do?  Why do I think I need to control the things around me? 

When we live a life that is founded in the here and now and the things of this world - money, stuff, a certain image or expectation we are missing the big picture. I'm learning to not try and control the world around me.  In the past I was afraid of what might happen so I would control the things I thought I could in the hopes of limiting the type of fall out I might encounter - ugly words or hurtful comments.  Of course all I did was put myself in a comfortable shell that became much like a prison. 

I was so afraid of what might happen outside my cocoon I forgot to keep living.  I can't say that I've managed to break out of my self made prison but I am making strides.  I'm trying not to be the over controlled freak of a mom or wife.  I'm trying to trust others enough to say what I feel and not just avoid the topics that scare me.  Now I just need to get brave enough to find a way to connect with some new people.  Find a way to meet some new friends and live a little outside of myself.

It's coming slowly and I know that God is getting me ready for what He wants.  He is constantly reminding me to just trust Him to show me what the next step in my adventure will be.  Because the one thing I do know is that His love is perfect and if I empty myself of me and let Him fill me up then the fear doesn't have room to move into my mind.  It's a daily process of emptying and actively seeking to fill my mind with the love that only He can give me and letting it pour out of me. 

The big picture is way more than just me and my little world.  I have the pleasure of spending an eternity with a God who cared enough to walk among us and help us live without fear.  We can be brave and strong and fearless.  We can love all people without judging or being afraid of what will come from loving them.  With God we have resurrection power living in us and friend - that is super power beyond imaging.  God will and can fill our every need and erase all fear from our lives.  We just have to keep trusting and seeking Him to fill the empty spaces. 

Stolen Blessings

“Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:12-14‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I have always been somewhat independent and proud. I prefer to be the fixer or helper and serve behind the scenes more often than in the limelight. As a believer in Jesus I started blogging for a couple of reasaons. Primarily because my brain and heart were overflowing and I needed to spill that out to process it. At the same time I felt that one of the biggest things that was missing in the many churches I grew up in was transparency.

There was this perfectionist Christian mentality that seemed to preclude people from admitting when they were struggling. Too many were concerned with what others would think and say if they admitted their relationship with Jesus wasn’t perfect. That is a very hard way to live and I really tried to live that way.

But then I found the most amazing thing in those same believers. When I faltered or struggled and actually shared that with someone I was often overwhelmed with help or words of encouragement and even some were willing to step up and say I’ve been there too and I understand. Wow. What a blessing to receive. Acceptance and love in spite of the circumstance or struggle.

During really hard losses or struggles God showed up in those people. When my daughter died a friend called to say God told her to buy me a dress for the funeral. She bought a few and one was as if God said through her - I see you. I see your hurt and I am with you. You see the dress designer was named “Sarah Elizabeth” the name we chose for our daughter. My friend didn’t know. She just shopped for dresses because God said to.

Another time a friend called to say she wanted to do my families laundry while my son was in the hospital very near death. That is my least favorite chore. That experience was probably one of the most humbling. My pride wouldn’t let me ask for help easily and to take my dirty underwear to someone else to wash was very difficult. It was physical reminder of our need for transparency.

We learn from each other. We draw hope from each other. When we allow God to use our brokenness  to reach into others lives we give courage and strength to someone else struggling. When we don’t ask for help or someone offers and we refuse then we steal their blessing. You see there are two sides to every blessing. The blessing of being the giver (helper or servant) and the blessing as the receiver. I prefer to be the giver. I really don’t like being the recipient. And yet I have been blessed so many times by friends who listened to God. A bag of groceries or a check or even a bag of unexpected kitchen items left at an apartment door.

In the past few years I’ve really had to remind myself that I need to be aware of stealing the blessing from the giver. When someone takes the time to obey God and offer to help or share or serve and I say no it’s a missed blessing for us both.

My mom is about to go round three with cancer. She has battled breast cancer twice. Now we face yet another round. She isn’t worried about herself but she is worried. Worried for my dad who is worried for her. And worried for all of us kids who are also worried for her and my dad. But one thing I know is that we are all about to experience the blessing of God. Because regardless of what happens with her health I know that there are people who have walked this road that will come along side of us.  People will bring meals and there will be many prayers. And friend prayer is the most powerful thing we can do.

Prayer connects us the the power within (if you are a believer) and the highest power -God. The God who raises the dead and heals the sick and created the universe. Prayer connects us in the most powerful way.

So I ask any of you who read this to just pray. Pray for my family this week as we face surgery and then information.  And next time someone offers to step into your struggle say thank you and allow both of you to be blessed

Yep I'm a Mom - Not a Step Anything

In 1 Kings 3:16-27 there is a story that has always struck right to my heart. It's the story of two prostitutes who both had sons. One died and the dead child's mother took the live child. When the other mother realizes this they argue and go before King Solomon for him to determine their case. In his wisdom he threatens to split the child in half and immediately the true mother is willing to give him up to spare his life.

“Then the king answered and said, "Give the living child to the first woman, and by no means put him to death; she is his mother."”
‭‭1 Kings‬ ‭3:27‬ ‭ESV‬

What a powerful story of being a mother. 

Sometimes being a mother sucks.  Recently I read an article about mothering as a step mother and the challenges that come with being a step parent.  it gave some great insight and reminded me that we always choose how we respond to our circumstances.  Whatever they are - good or bad we choose how we react and how we use our influence in all our relationships.

I'm on my second go around as a "step" mother and I have made the choice to not be a step anything but to just be a mother.  I chose that role long before I got married the first time. I was always "mothering"/nurturing someone else.  It's part of my nature.  So when I worked with teenagers in residential treatment I utilized that nurture nature and it was hard to maintain the boundaries because I just wanted to mother. 

Sometimes  (really all the time) we have to choose to let our kids go in order to give them life.  Our role is really just to help them to a place of growth where we work ourselves out of a job. And that is really hard.  Deep down in our hearts as a mom or step mom or foster mom or caretaker or wishing I was a mom - we just want to help those in our lives become great adults.  Loving, caring people who become great parents themselves someday.

Lately the reality of my place as a mom has been even more challenging.  Mostly because I can get in my head and and wallow a bit.  My kids are far away (really only a few hours) and they are farther away than my mothering skills can reach.  My mom job is really mostly done with my kids and the kids I've acquired in my first and now second marriage are also grown - and well they have moms.  They don't really need step moms which is really as it should be. 

My kids are blessed with a second mom.  When they are with their father, she gets to "mom" them and does a great job.  My job as a step mom was limited for various reasons so really I wasn't needed to parent them.  And just as my kids are now grown - so are they.

Now, however, we are looking forward to grand kids.  That is so beyond exciting. I consider my two grand kids from my first marriage as mine even though I missed out on most of their growing years and thankfully I keep up with them through social media as much as possible since they live further away.  My kids aren't quite to the kid stage and I have a deep down feeling that when they are to that stage they won't live next door.  Being involved with them will require extra effort on our parts.

Therein is my current mom dilemma.  You see I have a new grand baby, sweet Emerson Grace, on the way.  The thing about grand parenting is you want to be involved in all the prep and planning and cute and fun stuff.  Especially as a mom.   Yet this time its really not needed on my part.  I get to support prayerfully and spoil indulgently. 

It's funny really.  You never stop "momming".  It's the whole nurturing part of you that struggles with wanting to be involved. Wanting to know the daily details of your kids lives - even when they don't want you to - and don't sleep under your roof anymore. 

My therapist husband asked this question while I was whining about my lack of involvement in the lives of my kids and kids by marriage. What void are you trying to fill?  I've spent a little time mulling that over.  You see the wallowing was starting to take me under.  Too much life in a short time was trying to overwhelm this introverted control freak.  And I think I finally have an answer for him.  It's not really that I want to fill up anything lacking, I just still haven't exactly found my place outside of being his wife.

My own mom was just diagnosed with a third round of cancer.  Uterine this time.  And being so far way and not seeing first hand that makes this control freak struggle.  That's the void.  The control void.   Since I can't be right there with my mom, I can't be right there with my kids - so I want to be right here with the other kids and anyone else who comes along - trying to mom.

But that's not my job.  Really my role as the "step" mom is to support the "mom".  I can be there if they need an ear or extra hands or some random something.  What my role really is, is to be the wife.  To support their dad and their relationship with him.  That's my role with my kids father and my role with my husband.  Love him so well that he can love his kids the best he can. 

I call it trickle down love.  (Kind of like a slinky on steps).  The better I love and support their father the better he can be the father they need or want involved in their lives.  You see it's never been about me and it shouldn't be.

So I'm a mom.  A mom who has to remember that the only way to fill any void in my life is to fill it with my Father.  The one who knows what hard parenting is and called us His family while sacrificing His only Son.

Mark 3:35 says "For whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother."

So, today, be a mom, dad, sister, brother - family to all you come across.  Love like Jesus loved.

And I'll keep being the mom He made me to be.