Packing Boxes

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, ESV  For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

I have packed so many boxes in my lifetime that I couldn't begin to count them even if I tried.  Each time I have packed a box there has been a myriad of emotions.  They range from excitement to sadness, from enthusiasm to drudgery and a wide range of emotions in between.  

Most of my packing has been from state to state, city to city or home to home.  But I have also had the sad task of packing up boxes of someone who has passed away.  You pack away a lifetime of memories and belongings to be sold or given away or claimed by family.  

Moving is an adventure.  One I've endured so many times that I have to be honest - I am an expert packer.  But it is also a drudgery.  Each move and packing of boxes signifies an ending and a beginning.  It usually requires many boring tasks like wrapping fragile items and going through stuff that you have to decide if you will need or if it can be tossed.  It also brings up old memories and some laughter and tears.  

Right now I am packing up our belongings to put in storage for a year while we decide if we want to build or buy a house.  We are putting some things in storage and some into a new apartment.  I'm kind of excited about the apartment - no grass to mow and less than five minutes to my office.  But the packing part has been a little harder than I was anticipating.  This weekend my sweet baby girl and her - fiance - came to help.  That fiance thing is a challenge in and of itself.  It's a change coming I'm not quite ready for.  I love him but it's hard to watch our kids grow up and move on.  

And that leads to why this packing is harder.  This weekend I packed up my baby boy's belongings to put in storage, without him.  He is at school and this summer he didn't come home.  He did a very responsible thing and held down a job to save money for a trip he wants to take next summer.  It was packing up an ending.  The end of my son being a child.  As I put his stuff in boxes or bagged stuff for his sister to take back for him to go through I realized that he would probably not come home again to stay.  Next time he comes and the times ahead will be passing through times.  Moving from the college phase to the work and on his own phase.  

It's been a hard summer.  As a mom my goal was to help my kids find their place in the world as functioning adults.  In my heart I prayed that they would be God adoring functioning adults.  I see them now and I am beyond proud.  They are both amazing.  Of course they will always be my babies but they don't need me to do the same things for them anymore.  I don't see them as often and I don't get to tuck them in at night.  Now I just do a lot of praying and try to give wise counsel when they call.  

There is a season for everything and packing boxes is just one of those seasons.  The changes are always a challenge and I just keep praying that God will keep showing me how to guide my children as they become strong adults.  Hug your babies.  They just don't stay tiny for long.  It seems like yesterday and then they are big.  

Yep I'm a Mom - Not a Step Anything

In 1 Kings 3:16-27 there is a story that has always struck right to my heart. It's the story of two prostitutes who both had sons. One died and the dead child's mother took the live child. When the other mother realizes this they argue and go before King Solomon for him to determine their case. In his wisdom he threatens to split the child in half and immediately the true mother is willing to give him up to spare his life.

“Then the king answered and said, "Give the living child to the first woman, and by no means put him to death; she is his mother."”
‭‭1 Kings‬ ‭3:27‬ ‭ESV‬

What a powerful story of being a mother. 

Sometimes being a mother sucks.  Recently I read an article about mothering as a step mother and the challenges that come with being a step parent.  it gave some great insight and reminded me that we always choose how we respond to our circumstances.  Whatever they are - good or bad we choose how we react and how we use our influence in all our relationships.

I'm on my second go around as a "step" mother and I have made the choice to not be a step anything but to just be a mother.  I chose that role long before I got married the first time. I was always "mothering"/nurturing someone else.  It's part of my nature.  So when I worked with teenagers in residential treatment I utilized that nurture nature and it was hard to maintain the boundaries because I just wanted to mother. 

Sometimes  (really all the time) we have to choose to let our kids go in order to give them life.  Our role is really just to help them to a place of growth where we work ourselves out of a job. And that is really hard.  Deep down in our hearts as a mom or step mom or foster mom or caretaker or wishing I was a mom - we just want to help those in our lives become great adults.  Loving, caring people who become great parents themselves someday.

Lately the reality of my place as a mom has been even more challenging.  Mostly because I can get in my head and and wallow a bit.  My kids are far away (really only a few hours) and they are farther away than my mothering skills can reach.  My mom job is really mostly done with my kids and the kids I've acquired in my first and now second marriage are also grown - and well they have moms.  They don't really need step moms which is really as it should be. 

My kids are blessed with a second mom.  When they are with their father, she gets to "mom" them and does a great job.  My job as a step mom was limited for various reasons so really I wasn't needed to parent them.  And just as my kids are now grown - so are they.

Now, however, we are looking forward to grand kids.  That is so beyond exciting. I consider my two grand kids from my first marriage as mine even though I missed out on most of their growing years and thankfully I keep up with them through social media as much as possible since they live further away.  My kids aren't quite to the kid stage and I have a deep down feeling that when they are to that stage they won't live next door.  Being involved with them will require extra effort on our parts.

Therein is my current mom dilemma.  You see I have a new grand baby, sweet Emerson Grace, on the way.  The thing about grand parenting is you want to be involved in all the prep and planning and cute and fun stuff.  Especially as a mom.   Yet this time its really not needed on my part.  I get to support prayerfully and spoil indulgently. 

It's funny really.  You never stop "momming".  It's the whole nurturing part of you that struggles with wanting to be involved. Wanting to know the daily details of your kids lives - even when they don't want you to - and don't sleep under your roof anymore. 

My therapist husband asked this question while I was whining about my lack of involvement in the lives of my kids and kids by marriage. What void are you trying to fill?  I've spent a little time mulling that over.  You see the wallowing was starting to take me under.  Too much life in a short time was trying to overwhelm this introverted control freak.  And I think I finally have an answer for him.  It's not really that I want to fill up anything lacking, I just still haven't exactly found my place outside of being his wife.

My own mom was just diagnosed with a third round of cancer.  Uterine this time.  And being so far way and not seeing first hand that makes this control freak struggle.  That's the void.  The control void.   Since I can't be right there with my mom, I can't be right there with my kids - so I want to be right here with the other kids and anyone else who comes along - trying to mom.

But that's not my job.  Really my role as the "step" mom is to support the "mom".  I can be there if they need an ear or extra hands or some random something.  What my role really is, is to be the wife.  To support their dad and their relationship with him.  That's my role with my kids father and my role with my husband.  Love him so well that he can love his kids the best he can. 

I call it trickle down love.  (Kind of like a slinky on steps).  The better I love and support their father the better he can be the father they need or want involved in their lives.  You see it's never been about me and it shouldn't be.

So I'm a mom.  A mom who has to remember that the only way to fill any void in my life is to fill it with my Father.  The one who knows what hard parenting is and called us His family while sacrificing His only Son.

Mark 3:35 says "For whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother."

So, today, be a mom, dad, sister, brother - family to all you come across.  Love like Jesus loved.

And I'll keep being the mom He made me to be.

Where Did My Babies Go?

So kittens become cats and puppies become dogs and babies become adults. When I first held my babies I couldn't imagine them ever being big. Now that they are big I can't imagine they were ever so tiny.

When you become a mom no one tells you that watching your kids become adults is one of the hardest things you will ever do. The tiny little babies that come into this world are so dependent on you for everything that it's hard to imagine a day when they really don't neeed you the same way. I can honestly say that nothing thrills my heart more than when my kids call or text to just tell me what's going on or ask for my advice.

It's hard though. You don't want to give them the wrong advice but even more you want them to learn to be strong and make their own decisions. In other words you never really arrive as a confidant, have it all together parent. Often I  still feel I'm getting it wrong.

But then...

I see this post from my daughter.

With this comment...

And then it hits me. My kids are grown. I'll never stop wondering if I'm screwing up but I know that they are good, compassionate and wise people and I'm proud of them. I gave them to God a long time ago and I can trust that He will continue to help them through this crazy world.

So this - this is where my babies are. Still my babies just in bigger bodies. Love them so much.