Yep I'm a Mom - Not a Step Anything

In 1 Kings 3:16-27 there is a story that has always struck right to my heart. It's the story of two prostitutes who both had sons. One died and the dead child's mother took the live child. When the other mother realizes this they argue and go before King Solomon for him to determine their case. In his wisdom he threatens to split the child in half and immediately the true mother is willing to give him up to spare his life.

“Then the king answered and said, "Give the living child to the first woman, and by no means put him to death; she is his mother."”
‭‭1 Kings‬ ‭3:27‬ ‭ESV‬

What a powerful story of being a mother. 

Sometimes being a mother sucks.  Recently I read an article about mothering as a step mother and the challenges that come with being a step parent.  it gave some great insight and reminded me that we always choose how we respond to our circumstances.  Whatever they are - good or bad we choose how we react and how we use our influence in all our relationships.

I'm on my second go around as a "step" mother and I have made the choice to not be a step anything but to just be a mother.  I chose that role long before I got married the first time. I was always "mothering"/nurturing someone else.  It's part of my nature.  So when I worked with teenagers in residential treatment I utilized that nurture nature and it was hard to maintain the boundaries because I just wanted to mother. 

Sometimes  (really all the time) we have to choose to let our kids go in order to give them life.  Our role is really just to help them to a place of growth where we work ourselves out of a job. And that is really hard.  Deep down in our hearts as a mom or step mom or foster mom or caretaker or wishing I was a mom - we just want to help those in our lives become great adults.  Loving, caring people who become great parents themselves someday.

Lately the reality of my place as a mom has been even more challenging.  Mostly because I can get in my head and and wallow a bit.  My kids are far away (really only a few hours) and they are farther away than my mothering skills can reach.  My mom job is really mostly done with my kids and the kids I've acquired in my first and now second marriage are also grown - and well they have moms.  They don't really need step moms which is really as it should be. 

My kids are blessed with a second mom.  When they are with their father, she gets to "mom" them and does a great job.  My job as a step mom was limited for various reasons so really I wasn't needed to parent them.  And just as my kids are now grown - so are they.

Now, however, we are looking forward to grand kids.  That is so beyond exciting. I consider my two grand kids from my first marriage as mine even though I missed out on most of their growing years and thankfully I keep up with them through social media as much as possible since they live further away.  My kids aren't quite to the kid stage and I have a deep down feeling that when they are to that stage they won't live next door.  Being involved with them will require extra effort on our parts.

Therein is my current mom dilemma.  You see I have a new grand baby, sweet Emerson Grace, on the way.  The thing about grand parenting is you want to be involved in all the prep and planning and cute and fun stuff.  Especially as a mom.   Yet this time its really not needed on my part.  I get to support prayerfully and spoil indulgently. 

It's funny really.  You never stop "momming".  It's the whole nurturing part of you that struggles with wanting to be involved. Wanting to know the daily details of your kids lives - even when they don't want you to - and don't sleep under your roof anymore. 

My therapist husband asked this question while I was whining about my lack of involvement in the lives of my kids and kids by marriage. What void are you trying to fill?  I've spent a little time mulling that over.  You see the wallowing was starting to take me under.  Too much life in a short time was trying to overwhelm this introverted control freak.  And I think I finally have an answer for him.  It's not really that I want to fill up anything lacking, I just still haven't exactly found my place outside of being his wife.

My own mom was just diagnosed with a third round of cancer.  Uterine this time.  And being so far way and not seeing first hand that makes this control freak struggle.  That's the void.  The control void.   Since I can't be right there with my mom, I can't be right there with my kids - so I want to be right here with the other kids and anyone else who comes along - trying to mom.

But that's not my job.  Really my role as the "step" mom is to support the "mom".  I can be there if they need an ear or extra hands or some random something.  What my role really is, is to be the wife.  To support their dad and their relationship with him.  That's my role with my kids father and my role with my husband.  Love him so well that he can love his kids the best he can. 

I call it trickle down love.  (Kind of like a slinky on steps).  The better I love and support their father the better he can be the father they need or want involved in their lives.  You see it's never been about me and it shouldn't be.

So I'm a mom.  A mom who has to remember that the only way to fill any void in my life is to fill it with my Father.  The one who knows what hard parenting is and called us His family while sacrificing His only Son.

Mark 3:35 says "For whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother."

So, today, be a mom, dad, sister, brother - family to all you come across.  Love like Jesus loved.

And I'll keep being the mom He made me to be.

It's All About Control

Sometimes I think I have life all under control. When I feel like it's spinning out of control I do the things that I can actually control. Like cleaning house, cutting my hair, coloring my hair, piercing my ears or even getting tattoos.

I've done all those things at one time or another just to feel like I can control something. We think we can control our lives. Make decicions and choices and just like that we will be happy and secure. But then something "lifey" happens. A car breaks down, the ac breaks, the kids choose to do life differently than we think they should or they just go back to college and things change again. And what all that we thought we could control goes spinning like tires on black ice. Fast and furiously heading to the edge of insanity we get freaked out.

I think that's why I like tattoos. They are like permanent markers of something i can't control. I got my first one about ten years ago when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. There was nothing I could do. My mom was already a survivor so I got a pink ribbon with the word hope to just say I can't do anything but pray and hope and try to support you. I got a new one this weekend. A permanent reminder that God holds my kids in His hands. That no matter what I do or say or wish for them, ultimately it's out of my control. We got matching tattoos my kids and I. Not exactly the same but similar with one common item- a red heart. Because no matter where we go in life or how far they roam our hearts will always be connected. But I can't control their lives or mine. I just have to trust God.

Trust is hard. So very hard and so out of control.  Because trusting God is admitting that I don't have control. None. Not a drop. I can't make everything and everyone be what I want.  Only God can. And when I feel so out of control I just have to remind myself that I am not in control and not let the feelings overwhelm me. And to not let the enemy use my mind against me. I don't have to be in control. I just have to trust the one who is.

“"Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation."”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭12:2‬ ‭ ESV

Where Did My Babies Go?

So kittens become cats and puppies become dogs and babies become adults. When I first held my babies I couldn't imagine them ever being big. Now that they are big I can't imagine they were ever so tiny.

When you become a mom no one tells you that watching your kids become adults is one of the hardest things you will ever do. The tiny little babies that come into this world are so dependent on you for everything that it's hard to imagine a day when they really don't neeed you the same way. I can honestly say that nothing thrills my heart more than when my kids call or text to just tell me what's going on or ask for my advice.

It's hard though. You don't want to give them the wrong advice but even more you want them to learn to be strong and make their own decisions. In other words you never really arrive as a confidant, have it all together parent. Often I  still feel I'm getting it wrong.

But then...

I see this post from my daughter.

With this comment...

And then it hits me. My kids are grown. I'll never stop wondering if I'm screwing up but I know that they are good, compassionate and wise people and I'm proud of them. I gave them to God a long time ago and I can trust that He will continue to help them through this crazy world.

So this - this is where my babies are. Still my babies just in bigger bodies. Love them so much.