The "C" Word

2 Corinthians 1:4 (ESV) who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

When I was growing up the "C" word to me meant death.  It instilled fear and loss.  If I heard someone say they had the "C" word I just knew they would be dead in no time. I even determined at some point if the "C" word was mentioned in relation to surgery then the surgery would somehow make the "C" word become rampantly out of control and only speed up death.  You see the first people in my life associated with the "C" word all died. 

I was in elementary school when my grandmother was diagnosed with the "C" word - that's cancer for those who were wondering.  She had lung cancer and I honestly don't remember much but that when she died there was a tree in the front yard that had been cut down and had left a smoldering stump.  For some reason I remember someone saying that before it burned all the way out someone else would die.  If my memory is semi correct (my memory sucks most of the time) a great uncle had cancer and passed as well.  I was still in elementary school when my grandfathers were diagnosed with the "C" word and both ultimately passed from it.  Then my aunt was diagnosed and she passed away as well. 

So much loss related to the "C" word.  By the time my mom was diagnosed the first time with breast cancer I was afraid but had known people who managed to beat cancer.  I didn't want to lose my mom to the "C" word and even though they were confident it would be treatable there was still fear involved.  She has now beaten cancer three times.  My sister is also a survivor. 

When I married my husband I acquired some new friends.  One I prayed for often for a variety of struggles.  The biggest being breast cancer.  In the last two or more years she has fought a strong battle against the "C" word. My heart was burdened to pray for her as she fought her own personal demons and the deadly "C" word.  Her fight has been a hard one and she still is fighting today.  She is Greta Painter.  An amazing artist and beautiful soul.  She is a mother, a survivor and a kick ass fighter.  I have admired  her strength and the very first time I got to hug her neck it was all I could do not to sob uncontrollably.  She amazes me. 

Greta Painter - artist

For years I have said that it wasn't a matter of getting cancer, with my family history I figured it was just  a matter of what kind and when.  My first brush with cancer was before my kids were born.  I had my annual check up and the doctor called to say my results were abnormal.  More tests, a biopsy and eventual procedure later took care of the precancerous cervix cells.  A couple of minor procedures with moles that were suspicious and would like lead to cancer came next.  The year after my divorce I had my first breast biopsy.  I was prepared to go to any lengths to make sure I survived to raise my kids.

This month I had my second biopsy in my other breast.  This time I get to fight the "C" word.  The funny thing is I'm not afraid of the cancer.  I had a plan before it ever occurred and I have doctors who are willing to make it happen.  I will have a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction.  Thankfully the indications are that surgery will be all I need. 

For me the struggle with cancer is my concern for those who have to help me.  I don't do well as the helpee.  I prefer to be the helper.  The financial burdens and the fact that I have to take off from work to actually take care of me.  I have to say that it's almost a relief to finally know which cancer and what my fight will be. 

There are no guarantees in life and every struggle and fight is different.  I pray you will never have to fear the dreaded "C" word but I pray if you do that you have the support of the most important person.  My God knew when and what I would fight.  He set some things in place to make this the perfect time and location for me to fight.  He knew where and when it needed to take place.  I know that beyond anything else He will be right beside me holding me and carrying me through the process. 

I am blessed to have family and friends who are already lifting me in prayer.  We all face struggles and you need a tribe to face them.  Remember to always seek out a solid strong support group.  I wish I could fully understand why one fight seems simpler than another.  I can't comprehend the fight my friend Greta is fighting.  My fight seems very minor compared to the one she is on but I know each of us is unique and God uses every part of our lives to shape us and to allow us to touch others.  I know Greta is touching lives.  Pray with me for all of those fighting and the families who fight with them.

My heart is that as I walk this new journey I will have an even better ability to show compassion to others who walk this way.  I believe God has given me so many different blessed struggles that help me comfort someone else who walks through them. Sometimes the blessing is just being able to learn and share what we learn. 

Proverbs 27:17 "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."

Yep I'm a Mom - Not a Step Anything

In 1 Kings 3:16-27 there is a story that has always struck right to my heart. It's the story of two prostitutes who both had sons. One died and the dead child's mother took the live child. When the other mother realizes this they argue and go before King Solomon for him to determine their case. In his wisdom he threatens to split the child in half and immediately the true mother is willing to give him up to spare his life.

“Then the king answered and said, "Give the living child to the first woman, and by no means put him to death; she is his mother."”
‭‭1 Kings‬ ‭3:27‬ ‭ESV‬

What a powerful story of being a mother. 

Sometimes being a mother sucks.  Recently I read an article about mothering as a step mother and the challenges that come with being a step parent.  it gave some great insight and reminded me that we always choose how we respond to our circumstances.  Whatever they are - good or bad we choose how we react and how we use our influence in all our relationships.

I'm on my second go around as a "step" mother and I have made the choice to not be a step anything but to just be a mother.  I chose that role long before I got married the first time. I was always "mothering"/nurturing someone else.  It's part of my nature.  So when I worked with teenagers in residential treatment I utilized that nurture nature and it was hard to maintain the boundaries because I just wanted to mother. 

Sometimes  (really all the time) we have to choose to let our kids go in order to give them life.  Our role is really just to help them to a place of growth where we work ourselves out of a job. And that is really hard.  Deep down in our hearts as a mom or step mom or foster mom or caretaker or wishing I was a mom - we just want to help those in our lives become great adults.  Loving, caring people who become great parents themselves someday.

Lately the reality of my place as a mom has been even more challenging.  Mostly because I can get in my head and and wallow a bit.  My kids are far away (really only a few hours) and they are farther away than my mothering skills can reach.  My mom job is really mostly done with my kids and the kids I've acquired in my first and now second marriage are also grown - and well they have moms.  They don't really need step moms which is really as it should be. 

My kids are blessed with a second mom.  When they are with their father, she gets to "mom" them and does a great job.  My job as a step mom was limited for various reasons so really I wasn't needed to parent them.  And just as my kids are now grown - so are they.

Now, however, we are looking forward to grand kids.  That is so beyond exciting. I consider my two grand kids from my first marriage as mine even though I missed out on most of their growing years and thankfully I keep up with them through social media as much as possible since they live further away.  My kids aren't quite to the kid stage and I have a deep down feeling that when they are to that stage they won't live next door.  Being involved with them will require extra effort on our parts.

Therein is my current mom dilemma.  You see I have a new grand baby, sweet Emerson Grace, on the way.  The thing about grand parenting is you want to be involved in all the prep and planning and cute and fun stuff.  Especially as a mom.   Yet this time its really not needed on my part.  I get to support prayerfully and spoil indulgently. 

It's funny really.  You never stop "momming".  It's the whole nurturing part of you that struggles with wanting to be involved. Wanting to know the daily details of your kids lives - even when they don't want you to - and don't sleep under your roof anymore. 

My therapist husband asked this question while I was whining about my lack of involvement in the lives of my kids and kids by marriage. What void are you trying to fill?  I've spent a little time mulling that over.  You see the wallowing was starting to take me under.  Too much life in a short time was trying to overwhelm this introverted control freak.  And I think I finally have an answer for him.  It's not really that I want to fill up anything lacking, I just still haven't exactly found my place outside of being his wife.

My own mom was just diagnosed with a third round of cancer.  Uterine this time.  And being so far way and not seeing first hand that makes this control freak struggle.  That's the void.  The control void.   Since I can't be right there with my mom, I can't be right there with my kids - so I want to be right here with the other kids and anyone else who comes along - trying to mom.

But that's not my job.  Really my role as the "step" mom is to support the "mom".  I can be there if they need an ear or extra hands or some random something.  What my role really is, is to be the wife.  To support their dad and their relationship with him.  That's my role with my kids father and my role with my husband.  Love him so well that he can love his kids the best he can. 

I call it trickle down love.  (Kind of like a slinky on steps).  The better I love and support their father the better he can be the father they need or want involved in their lives.  You see it's never been about me and it shouldn't be.

So I'm a mom.  A mom who has to remember that the only way to fill any void in my life is to fill it with my Father.  The one who knows what hard parenting is and called us His family while sacrificing His only Son.

Mark 3:35 says "For whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother."

So, today, be a mom, dad, sister, brother - family to all you come across.  Love like Jesus loved.

And I'll keep being the mom He made me to be.

All For Good

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 ESV

I believe marriage should be forever. It should be two people striving to help each other be the best they can be. I believe God ordained marriage as an example of the covenant He wants with us as His children. 

The reality is no matter how much we want to believe this should be forever and be happily ever after and all the fairy tale things, we are imperfect broken people. That means we sometimes face struggles and sometimes the relationship we thought was so right just doesn't work out. For whatever reason sometimes marriages end. Because we are human we alone can't just make something work just because we want it to. 

We choose however, how we allow that ending to affect us and those we have relationships with. We choose whether it's just a transition or a huge negative that makes us bitter, ugly people. 

I say with my whole heart that I have no regrets about my first marriage. Out of it I learned so much about myself and how I function in relationships. I learned that marriage is hard and you have to work every day to make it work. I gained some amazing things through my marriage. 

A friend for life. 

Two beautiful kids of my own and one amazing one from him. 

A whole additional family that I love dearly. 

Amazing insight into myself. 

I can't say that the ending was easy but as time has passed I can honestly say my first marriage was a blessing and I wouldn't change a thing. My prayer now is that my second marriage would be built on the foundations learned from the first one. I know God has to be in the center of the relationship. 

I grew up in church where divorce was looked on as the worst possible thing. And I'm not saying that it is a good thing but because we are human we are going to have struggles and sometimes things end. I think as believers what we need to learn is that regardless of whether we divorce or remarry or stay single we just have to remember that God is enough. We have to stop judging one another because we handle our struggles differently.  If we chose to love and accept each other maybe we would be in a better place. 

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:18 ESV

So as I move to the next step I know God is making all things good. He takes all our struggles and works them for His good if we let Him. Just a few more days and I will start the next step of His plan. My prayer is that I will allow every previous struggle to lead me to the place closer to His heart so God can continue to reveal Himself and make me more like Him.