When You Finally Fit

Jeremiah 29:11  "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Today is Labor Day. A day that we celebrate the work that we do by taking a day of rest. Sometimes work is a struggle and sometimes it is a joy. In my life I have experienced a variety of thoughts about work and what I am meant to do. Most times I felt slightly out of place but competent, never feeling like I was quite a part of the whole and not really knowing if a particular position was truly a part of the purpose God had for my life. 

In many areas of life I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Growing up on the move as part of a military family can have that affect. You get used to always moving and going so you never allow for the connections to be permanent. I have struggled more with connection than any other thing in my life, short of control and sadly they go hand in hand. If I don't feel connected then I want to feel in control so I constantly strive to be the best at whatever I am doing and sometimes that makes me competitive. 

The last few years have shifted my perspective on work and fitting in. I am clinging now to this verse,  John 15:19, "If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you." Now don't get me wrong, you have to read the rest of the chapter to truly understand. Jesus is calling us to love all people regardless but to remember that the rulers of the time hated Him and sought to kill Him. Why? Because He was teaching people to love without borders and boundaries and to let go of the rules that were not a part of His plan for the church.

In today's culture Christians have not lived up to their name of being little Christs. I can't point a finger without four of mine pointing back at me. I have lived at times as if I knew all the answers and my way was the only way to follow Christ, but God. He has shown me so much about what a broken sinner I am. I am not perfect, I am not in control and I have no clue how to live this life without Him. He is the reason I am even alive. He is the reason that every day I get up trying to be more like Him than like the world. I don't feel a part of this world, not because I don't fit anymore but because I long for heaven and the perfect place it will be when we are with Him all the time. 

I recently achieved a major goal, I sat for my licensing exam and passed to be called an LMSW, Licensed Mastered Social Worker. Many times over the past years I thought that would never happen but my wonderful encouraging, friend and husband pushed me to step out of my box. It took me a long time to fulfill this goal and what I long ago felt was God's call on my life. So often we think that if God calls us to do something it will immediately come to pass. But what I've learned is sometimes it takes a lifetime. Why? Because he needs to burnish our rough edges so we are better able to fit in the slot where He wants us to be, more like Him and less worried about the status or level of our accomplishments. I couldn't have achieved any of this without God. The two years of school and study were emotionally and mentally exhausting thanks to a variety of challenges. 

For the first time in a long time I truly feel I am in the right place. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally. Oh, I still have a lot of work to do to become like Christ but I see some things so much more clearly and I have a deep appreciation for the new job I have just started. I am using that license and degree to help families. And even more blessed, I am doing it with a team that is truly awe inspiring in their abilities and their heart for God. 

Oh what joy it is to wake up at 5:15 am and know that I am going to a job that is fun but busy and actually work. Sounds crazy, right? But for the first time in a very long time I fill like I fit where God placed me. All of the other positions were building blocks to get me to this place. A place where I can appreciate the job I have been given and strive to do what God wants me to do. I haven't always seen my jobs as a work for God and that is something I regret. He was always watching and I wonder if I didn't fit because I didn't try to do it His way but my way. Colossians 3:23-24 says, "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ." 

So for today I'm going to rest in the Lord, knowing that life is not supposed to be easy if we are striving to be like Him, but it is supposed to be joyful. Even during the hard times we can cling to His joy and peace. Knowing that His plan is for a future and hope. HAPPY LABOR DAY!  

Off Center Belly Button

Colossians 3:15 ESV - And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body.  And be thankful.

This blog is going to be transparent and real.  There are picture from after surgery and of my scars.  I am putting this as a warning in case you do not wish to see semi naked pictures of me. 

Cancer is an equalizer.  Each person has a different way of coping and each cancer diagnosis requires different treatment and strategies.  It strips your dignity and your peace of mind.  It reduces you to a diagnosis and often isolates you. 

For me cancer has been freeing in some ways.  I lost my sense of modesty about my first pregnancy where I got the pleasure of multiple doctors peering at my girly parts and delivering my firstborn via c-section.  Growing up I played the comparison game and the if only game very well.  If only I had long hair, short hair, curly hair or maybe if I was skinnier or prettier or whatever the current thing was.  As I aged I hate to say that it took me many years to out grow that.  Even now as I have been dealing with my diagnosis I have succumbed to the comparison game.  But I have realized the freedom of not caring what others think and striving to be like Christ rather than the world.

I've struggled with the fact that I currently know two people where the cancer diagnosis has been much more aggressive.  They have faced issues that at this time I may not have to.  I was blessed to be able to have surgery and reconstruction all at the same time.  I didn't have to have chemo or radiation.  My surgeons were amazing and my reconstruction doctor is a perfectionist.  When I agreed to the procedures I told my doctors I just want to be well.  Not perfect.  I've struggled with that long enough. I don't want to be perfect.  It creates a lot of anxiety.  I used to struggle to be that way.  Better than the rest or at least in my mind as perfect as possible.  Hair in place, makeup just right and clothes all matching and cute. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm still competitive and want to be the best I can but not better than someone else.  I want to be the best me. I still want to look good but I don't care as much about whether I have the appropriate number of diamonds when my legs are together or whether my scars are visible.  I have scars.  Many of them.  Ranging from stretch marks to the more recent ones.  I have scars buried deep inside that no one can see.

I wish when I was growing up I had realized sooner that what other people think of me isn't nearly as important as being at peace with myself.  Accepting who and what I am even if that makes me stand out as different.  First and foremost I want to be defined by my heart.  Not what do people see on my outside but what do they see in how I treat others and how I treat them.  I am far from perfect. 

My God is so big.  I was reminded this week that He has blessed me so much.  Even with the hardships I have faced I am still blessed.  He has used each struggle and scar to mold and shape me into who I am.  One of my friends with cancer shared that she was able to tell me things that others don't quite get.  I get that because its really hard to describe how it feels to have spots of numbness in your own body or heaviness and swelling and odd pains and odd fears. 

The newest fear is about taking the preventative medicine.  How bad will the side effects be?  Will it significantly impact my life or will I be able to just keep moving forward. 

So with my surgery I got reconstruction with my own tissue.  This meant they took some fat and relocated it along with the veins that keep it living.  At this time my wounds are healed and the scars are already starting to fade.  So I noticed.  One thing.  A tiny thing when you consider it but still it made me start to worry a bit and then I just looked and decided it didn't really matter. 

My belly button is just slightly off center.  Now granted my breasts aren't perfectly symmetrical yet.  They will change as I continue to heal (at least that's what my doctor says).  But he just missed midline with my belly button.  It looks good but well its not right on center.  And I am okay with that.  I told him that as far as I was concerned I would be his only one and done as he puts it.  I don't need any adjustments.  Now I just need to get back in the gym and get my muscles that are tight loosened up again and strengthen the areas that aren't quite stable yet. 

So if you see me in a bathing suit and you notice my off center belly button just smile and remember that who you are is who God made you to be.  With your scars and your differences you, just be you. 

These pictures are where I was and where I am.  The first is at just 2 weeks post surgery, then 4 weeks and now 6 weeks post surgery.