This blog is going to be transparent and real. There are picture from after surgery and of my scars. I am putting this as a warning in case you do not wish to see semi naked pictures of me.
Cancer is an equalizer. Each person has a different way of coping and each cancer diagnosis requires different treatment and strategies. It strips your dignity and your peace of mind. It reduces you to a diagnosis and often isolates you.
For me cancer has been freeing in some ways. I lost my sense of modesty about my first pregnancy where I got the pleasure of multiple doctors peering at my girly parts and delivering my firstborn via c-section. Growing up I played the comparison game and the if only game very well. If only I had long hair, short hair, curly hair or maybe if I was skinnier or prettier or whatever the current thing was. As I aged I hate to say that it took me many years to out grow that. Even now as I have been dealing with my diagnosis I have succumbed to the comparison game. But I have realized the freedom of not caring what others think and striving to be like Christ rather than the world.
I've struggled with the fact that I currently know two people where the cancer diagnosis has been much more aggressive. They have faced issues that at this time I may not have to. I was blessed to be able to have surgery and reconstruction all at the same time. I didn't have to have chemo or radiation. My surgeons were amazing and my reconstruction doctor is a perfectionist. When I agreed to the procedures I told my doctors I just want to be well. Not perfect. I've struggled with that long enough. I don't want to be perfect. It creates a lot of anxiety. I used to struggle to be that way. Better than the rest or at least in my mind as perfect as possible. Hair in place, makeup just right and clothes all matching and cute.
Don't get me wrong. I'm still competitive and want to be the best I can but not better than someone else. I want to be the best me. I still want to look good but I don't care as much about whether I have the appropriate number of diamonds when my legs are together or whether my scars are visible. I have scars. Many of them. Ranging from stretch marks to the more recent ones. I have scars buried deep inside that no one can see.
I wish when I was growing up I had realized sooner that what other people think of me isn't nearly as important as being at peace with myself. Accepting who and what I am even if that makes me stand out as different. First and foremost I want to be defined by my heart. Not what do people see on my outside but what do they see in how I treat others and how I treat them. I am far from perfect.
My God is so big. I was reminded this week that He has blessed me so much. Even with the hardships I have faced I am still blessed. He has used each struggle and scar to mold and shape me into who I am. One of my friends with cancer shared that she was able to tell me things that others don't quite get. I get that because its really hard to describe how it feels to have spots of numbness in your own body or heaviness and swelling and odd pains and odd fears.
The newest fear is about taking the preventative medicine. How bad will the side effects be? Will it significantly impact my life or will I be able to just keep moving forward.
So with my surgery I got reconstruction with my own tissue. This meant they took some fat and relocated it along with the veins that keep it living. At this time my wounds are healed and the scars are already starting to fade. So I noticed. One thing. A tiny thing when you consider it but still it made me start to worry a bit and then I just looked and decided it didn't really matter.
My belly button is just slightly off center. Now granted my breasts aren't perfectly symmetrical yet. They will change as I continue to heal (at least that's what my doctor says). But he just missed midline with my belly button. It looks good but well its not right on center. And I am okay with that. I told him that as far as I was concerned I would be his only one and done as he puts it. I don't need any adjustments. Now I just need to get back in the gym and get my muscles that are tight loosened up again and strengthen the areas that aren't quite stable yet.
So if you see me in a bathing suit and you notice my off center belly button just smile and remember that who you are is who God made you to be. With your scars and your differences you, just be you.
These pictures are where I was and where I am. The first is at just 2 weeks post surgery, then 4 weeks and now 6 weeks post surgery.
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