Off Center Belly Button

Colossians 3:15 ESV - And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body.  And be thankful.

This blog is going to be transparent and real.  There are picture from after surgery and of my scars.  I am putting this as a warning in case you do not wish to see semi naked pictures of me. 

Cancer is an equalizer.  Each person has a different way of coping and each cancer diagnosis requires different treatment and strategies.  It strips your dignity and your peace of mind.  It reduces you to a diagnosis and often isolates you. 

For me cancer has been freeing in some ways.  I lost my sense of modesty about my first pregnancy where I got the pleasure of multiple doctors peering at my girly parts and delivering my firstborn via c-section.  Growing up I played the comparison game and the if only game very well.  If only I had long hair, short hair, curly hair or maybe if I was skinnier or prettier or whatever the current thing was.  As I aged I hate to say that it took me many years to out grow that.  Even now as I have been dealing with my diagnosis I have succumbed to the comparison game.  But I have realized the freedom of not caring what others think and striving to be like Christ rather than the world.

I've struggled with the fact that I currently know two people where the cancer diagnosis has been much more aggressive.  They have faced issues that at this time I may not have to.  I was blessed to be able to have surgery and reconstruction all at the same time.  I didn't have to have chemo or radiation.  My surgeons were amazing and my reconstruction doctor is a perfectionist.  When I agreed to the procedures I told my doctors I just want to be well.  Not perfect.  I've struggled with that long enough. I don't want to be perfect.  It creates a lot of anxiety.  I used to struggle to be that way.  Better than the rest or at least in my mind as perfect as possible.  Hair in place, makeup just right and clothes all matching and cute. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm still competitive and want to be the best I can but not better than someone else.  I want to be the best me. I still want to look good but I don't care as much about whether I have the appropriate number of diamonds when my legs are together or whether my scars are visible.  I have scars.  Many of them.  Ranging from stretch marks to the more recent ones.  I have scars buried deep inside that no one can see.

I wish when I was growing up I had realized sooner that what other people think of me isn't nearly as important as being at peace with myself.  Accepting who and what I am even if that makes me stand out as different.  First and foremost I want to be defined by my heart.  Not what do people see on my outside but what do they see in how I treat others and how I treat them.  I am far from perfect. 

My God is so big.  I was reminded this week that He has blessed me so much.  Even with the hardships I have faced I am still blessed.  He has used each struggle and scar to mold and shape me into who I am.  One of my friends with cancer shared that she was able to tell me things that others don't quite get.  I get that because its really hard to describe how it feels to have spots of numbness in your own body or heaviness and swelling and odd pains and odd fears. 

The newest fear is about taking the preventative medicine.  How bad will the side effects be?  Will it significantly impact my life or will I be able to just keep moving forward. 

So with my surgery I got reconstruction with my own tissue.  This meant they took some fat and relocated it along with the veins that keep it living.  At this time my wounds are healed and the scars are already starting to fade.  So I noticed.  One thing.  A tiny thing when you consider it but still it made me start to worry a bit and then I just looked and decided it didn't really matter. 

My belly button is just slightly off center.  Now granted my breasts aren't perfectly symmetrical yet.  They will change as I continue to heal (at least that's what my doctor says).  But he just missed midline with my belly button.  It looks good but well its not right on center.  And I am okay with that.  I told him that as far as I was concerned I would be his only one and done as he puts it.  I don't need any adjustments.  Now I just need to get back in the gym and get my muscles that are tight loosened up again and strengthen the areas that aren't quite stable yet. 

So if you see me in a bathing suit and you notice my off center belly button just smile and remember that who you are is who God made you to be.  With your scars and your differences you, just be you. 

These pictures are where I was and where I am.  The first is at just 2 weeks post surgery, then 4 weeks and now 6 weeks post surgery. 

I AM ENOUGH

Lately God has really been hammering my heart about this whole issue of comparison and feelings of inadequacy.  It's funny even how often I've read a blog or heard someone speak about how we so often get caught up in this world of comparison. 

I don't know  really where or when but I remember as far back as elementary school and junior high reading the book "Are  You There God, It's Me Margaret" and how often I compared myself to those around me.  And somehow in my mind I never seemed to measure up. 

I wasn't tall enough, skinny enough, smart enough, fast enough, whatever enough.  I didn't think I could sing as well a someone else or I didn't think I was as pretty as someone else.  Not as spiritual or didn't pray enough or right.  I was a tomboy who was very shy and that just complicated the issue because I was always in my own head (as I've said before - a very scary place at times). 

Over time these not enoughs led me to a place of just wanting to be seen.  Noticed, accepted and loved as enough.  I just wanted to be enough to not keep comparing myself and seeming to be on the short end of the stick.  Even though I knew I was loved and had friends and family I still felt the need to compare myself to what I saw in other people.  There was always someone who seemed better. 

As I was able to rationalize that this was all in my head I got better at letting it go and yet in the back of my mind it was always there.  Comparing my mothering skills to someone else's.  Or my situation or whatever.  With all of this I have a very competitive nature which pretty much meant that I always had a measuring stick even when I thought I didn't.

Recently I was hit with a life situation that triggered some serious not enough thoughts.  Things that I thought I was past and had actually dealt with and moved on from.  I felt like all those past not enoughs rushed up and hit me in the face.  I was really struggling to find my worth and value.  Life has a way of doing that doesn't it.  Sneaking up and slapping us right at the weakest moment when all the lifey things are happening at once.  The comparing myself to others - those with money, or sex appeal, or magazine pictures and pretty facades that really aren't truth - nearly took me under. 

But then God.  I was sitting in worship two Sundays ago and it was as if God reached down and smacked me on the back of the head.  With God, I AM ENOUGH!!.  He created me just the way I am and He loved me before I was even conceived.  So much so that He sent His only Son to die for me.  He reminded me of the verse in Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

There is a song out right now by Cory Asbury, called Reckless Love.  It is a powerful reminder that God chases us down even when we are wallowing in our darkest thoughts.  This phrase really strikes to the heart of my comparison lies.  "There is no wall you won't kick down, lie you won't tear down -coming after me".  God is the light that tears down the lies. His word is what pulls me from the depths of comparison and reminds me that I really don't want to be like the world I compare myself to. 

What freedom comes from God.  He tears down all the lies of the enemy and the lies that I've fed myself for so many years.  In God I am enough.  He makes me more than enough.