Attitude Adjustment

Romans 12:2 ESV Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Recently I had to give myself an attitude adjustment. Sometimes I let this world influence my thoughts and actions and I have to seriously adjust what is going on inside my head. This verse is how I adjusted my mental status. I had to capture the negative thoughts and replace them with something that is beyond this world and all of its chaos. 

For some reason I have always struggled with the holiday seasons. It's not that I don't love holidays and celebrations but for some reason it always seems to amplify my ongoing struggle with feeling a part. A part of the groups that I am associated with and even a part of my family. Even when I'm with the people that I love I still feel somehow separate and on the outside looking in. 

This year was no different and I found myself getting angry and jealous of those around me. It was busy this year for Christmas and maybe the rush of a wedding and anticipating new babies and the missing of those who were lost this year or just not present made it seem more intensely lonely than the last few years. I'm really not sure what the difference was and maybe it was just a little anxiety and depression that was affecting my mental status. 

What I found was that I sometimes get caught up in the doing the things that I do, reading my bible, working, spending time with family and I forget to just listen and feel. You see there is only one thing that I can depend on to be there and to always just remind me of what is important and that is my God. I took a walk, and I asked Him to adjust my attitude. He reminded me that part of what I struggle with is the reality that this world is not my home. My heart longs for His presence and when I forget to keep my eyes on eternity and let the distractions of this world and the longings for more here on this earth get me discontent then I get angry and jealous. I want what others have, or I think that this world will somehow fill that void and that is not how it works. 

When you know Jesus as Savior and your heart seeks to fill that hole that only He fills with other things then your heart gets lost a bit. My heart got a little lost this year and I had to recenter myself on Him. He calms my anxious and jealous thoughts. He transforms my heart to have a better attitude about this world. To remember that my one job here is to better reflect Him so others will want to find Him and love Him so that they can live for eternity in His presence. I'm not here to be perfect or to have all the things that this world offers. I'm just here for Him to do His work and to be a living sacrifice for Him. 

Romans 12:1 ESV I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

I pray that if you feel anxious, afraid, jealous, angry, or just plain lost that you will take the time to seek the one who created you and loves you just as you are. I pray you will find your identity in Him and cling to the promises that are in His word. He has great plans for you.

Emptied to Submit

 

The word empty has echoed in my mind these last few weeks. Why, you may ask? My son moved into his first apartment. In my mind I know that is what is supposed to happen. Kids are supposed to grow up and move away and start families of their own. Moms know this and we pray that they will, but when they do our hearts take a huge hit. The now empty rooms in our houses echo with a loud empty and fear for them gets bigger. You see we no longer know when they come and go or where they come and go. We don't know what they choose to believe or how they choose to act. They are no longer under our control. For a control freak like me that is a big thing. So today I'm sharing my heart and word for the new year. Because I submitted my kids to God a long time ago and I taught them about Jesus and what it means to walk with Him so now all I can do is pray. Pray that they are safe and that their hearts seek the truth that they were taught. Not just what I taught them but what they allow God and Holy Spirit to work out in their lives. Prayer is the only way to make the empty less loud and the fear less big. 

I struggled with that word empty as my word for the year because it seemed so negative. But then yesterday the word submission was added to the word empty. At first, they seemed like opposites until God reminded me that I can't submit to His plan until I empty myself of the pride, control, struggle and worry that is filling up the empty spaces. I must be willing to lay all my empty at the feet of Jesus so He can fill it with Holy Spirit and the plans He wants me to fulfill for Him. I just finished reading a book on the Holy Spirit and it reminded me that I must submit my will and empty myself in order to make room for Him. 

There is a beautiful story in the bible in 1 Kings 17 about Elijah. He is running and hiding because he just announced no rain on the lands. God took him to a widow woman who was on the verge of running out of food. Her jars were empty. Elijah asked for food and when she told him she was about to make her last meal for her, and her son Elijah told her to make him food first and God would fill her jar of oil and flour until the rain came again. She willingly emptied her jars and submitted to the request and watched as God filled them over and over again. Eventually she was even blessed with the resurrection of her son. How wonderful is our God who fills our empty spaces. 

In Galatians 5:22-26 (ESV) the bible says "²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. ²⁴ And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵ If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. ²⁶ Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another." Right before these verses there is a list of things we should not have in our lives. We have to empty ourselves of the worldliness in order to make space for the Holy Spirit. When we make space for Him, His power allows to produce these fruits of His. I can't do any of these in my own strength. Only through the power of Holy Spirit can I be a reflection of Christ and exhibit these beautiful fruits. 

So, my challenge for the year is to let the loud noise of my empty house echo with my submission to the Father. Opening my emptiness for Him to fill with the worshipful song of His presence. Oh, I'm sure I will have daily struggles of control, but I pray that this year will be a year of emptying all that keeps me from fully living in the power of the Holy Spirit. James 4:7 will be my verse for the year "⁷ Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." This world presses in on me with all the negativity that makes the empty noise loud. The only way to overcome that is to be like the little vase and praying figurine in my picture, submitting my heart to the Savior so I can be filled. 

Happy New Year Everyone! Take the time to seek what God wants for you this year. If you read this blog know that I love you and pray for you.

Double Nickels for the Finish

 "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6 ESV

When I was growing up we lived on the east coast and had to travel a great distance to see family. In those days the speed limit was fifty five and I vividly remember the sounds of the truckers on the CB radio talking about doing "double nickels" as the speed limit. So on Monday, August 9, I turned double nickels and finished the last module to complete my graduate degree with Louisiana State University in Social Work. Thirty three years earlier I completed my Bachelor's degree in Social Work at Louisiana College by the skin of my teeth and I was glad to be done. Thirty one years ago I was accepted to go to Seminary in Fort Worth and decided I really wasn't ready to go back to school yet so I waited. 

 

The waiting seemed to go on forever. I waited for so many reasons and many times I thought I would never go back and get the Master's degree that I wanted. Then January of 2020 I started school again. This time it was much easier to stay focused and complete the work. I graduated with a 4.112 GPA which was something I never accomplished in high school or college. To say I am proud of what I accomplished would be an understatement. To me it is truly a miracle. My brain isn't as quick as it used to be so I worked hard and stayed disciplined, something I never could have done before now. I survived the pandemic, two hurricanes, a freeze, a flood, losing my job, starting a new one, two weddings and a whole slew of anxiety and chaos to finish the goal that started so long ago. My God is the only reason that I was able to maintain my sanity and finish the task during this time. He sustained me in ways that I can't even explain. 

God always knew the plan. I had no clue. He picked the right time when He knew I would need to be able to focus on something other than the chaos that was surrounding me. He sent me an amazing husband who encouraged me and family and friends who prayed and supported me. God is the reason I finished and the reason I did so well. If left to my own devices then I probably would have never started and fear would have won. 

Never give up on your dreams. I don't know where God will use this new degree and my next step is to get licensed but I know this - God's time and plan are never the same as mine. I just have to rest in Him and seek to know Him better every day. For now I am finished with school. Studying for the test and moving in His plan will continue as I trust the plan He has for me. 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

The Blog I Don't Want to Write

I have put off this blog for months. I wanted to write it back in August but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to the words. It has bubbled and churned and driven me crazy for the last four months and I really still don't want to write it but I have to get the words out of my head. They keep me up at night and then make my emotions all crazy. 

You see this is about 2020. The year that was supposed to scream about unity and connection, the word I chose for 2020. It was supposed to be about closer relationships and a clearer vision of where God wanted me to be used. But God. He had a plan I couldn't possibly imagine. He wanted to shake up my world even more. He wanted me to dig deep inside myself and connect in a different way than I had planned. He has pushed me to look at my connection to Him and how that spills onto other people. 

This year has been so full of so much stuff. Ugly stuff, good stuff, fun stuff, and scary stuff. I have struggled emotionally and with a lot fear and grief. Which of course is why I chose to take a Grief and Bereavement class as an elective in my last module. So this year brought weddings, family health struggles, physically and mentally, losses of jobs and freedoms as well as some legal battles and of course the virus and hurricanes. It was chock full of making time for family even when the fear of the virus overwhelmed. Because one thing that I realized in this year is that I can't make it without my family. I can live without the outside connections that have been ravaged this year but my family keeps me sane. They are the ones who let me cry and fuss and vent without fear of repercussions. They still love me when I ugly cry or take out my frustrations on them instead of processing them appropriately. 

So on to the deep soul searching. 2020 has taught me some hard truths about myself. I require discipline to function. Scheduled time and consistency help me stay focused. When I have too much free time my mind gets to be a very dark place. So I learned that early morning yoga and setting time for my school work was essential. 

One of the hardest things I learned is that when I look too deeply at what is going on with others and compare that to my circumstances I can become an ugly person. When I let the ugly of the world too deeply in my head then it spills out in how I react and treat people. This year what I took for confidence and wisdom, someone else saw as arrogance and condescension. That hurt my heart in ways I can't even begin to describe. But I realized that I had become tired. Tired of being taken advantage of and treated differently than others and I let that come through in negative behavior. I learned that I have to remember that just because I think something is right and good others may not.

I also learned the importance of truly being able to self analyze. If you can't look at your own self deep inside and see what is broken or struggling and seek to mend it then you can't love. You can't share the deep love that you may have for others if all the ugly, negative stuff you carry inside spills out everywhere you go. And trust me that the negative in you will spill out if you don't appropriately deal with it.

So in January I will start my second internship. My first had to be online due to the virus and the hurricanes. I was looking forward to being able to work and do my internship but I ended up jobless with my internship online instead of hands on. It was a challenge to say the least. Forty hours a week online trying to keep my head on straight and still do the other class work that was required. So prayerfully I will do the second one actually in the field and to be honest I'm a bit scared. I'll be working with actual people again and some days I don't think I do people well anymore. I question my abilities and skills and the whole purpose of this degree. Why? Because of comments made by one person that I let in my head. 

Another thing I learned is that when your hormones are jacked up by drugs you may not recognize who you see in the mirror. The inability and lack of desire to stay on a regular fitness schedule added to the pushed menopause from the tamoxifen really sucks. I have struggled with trying to stay healthy and emotionally stable. These are not easy when the drugs you are taking create havoc with your system. 

So here I am writing the blog I didn't want to write and spilling out all my hurt. I've felt like a failure as a mother, a wife, a student, an employee and a friend this year and I'm tired. But God. He led me to read Luke starting December first and what a joy to see the light that Jesus brought to our world. God loved us enough to send His Son, His Son loved us enough that He met the hurting, broken and overlooked right where they were and gave them hope for change. His Son sent Holy Spirit to empower us to love and be like Jesus. That is amazing. Many days I forget that I have Holy Spirit power to make it through the hard times but then some little something small reminds me of what I have to be thankful for. 

I am so thankful for my family and for the Joy that I have knowing that God came to earth as a man for me. He died for me. He lived for me. He welcomes me and someday I will sit at his feet for eternity. This is not my home and all the heartache and fear and failure is just a step on the way to where I will spend my eternity. My deepest heartache and prayer is that my family, my friends and those in my circle will be there too.

In Luke chapter 8 Jesus says "No one after lighting a lamp covers it with a jar or puts it under a bed, but puts it on a stand so that those who enter may see the light. For nothing is hidden  that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light (Luke 8:16-17, ESV). I haven't felt much like a light this year. I've felt very dark. So as I move into 2021 I am hoping that I will be able to find the light inside that the Holy Spirit gives and share it with those who need help finding their way out of the dark. 

In my house I have two nativity sets. One is part of a collection started years ago, the other is one that is allowed to be played with. It is my favorite. It is for the children. The story of love come to earth that can be touched and held. I pray that this Christmas if you have struggled in any way you will come with me to the manger and hold the baby Jesus and remember that He came for you just like He did for me. 

Another Trip Around the Sun

Ecclesiastes 3 talks about the seasons of life and there is a time for everything. I am reminded today on my 53 birthday how true this is.  Last year I celebrated with all my people and got this cool picture frame from some of the people I call my kids.

In the year since my birthday:
     My daughter got engaged
     I moved
     I was diagnosed with breast cancer
     I had surgery to remove and replace my breasts
     My husband had some job changes
     I flooded my car and had the engine replaced
     My son went to Italy - ALONE!!! (at least without his family)
     and in the midst of those things we walked through a variety of struggles with others.

I would like to think that the next year will be smooth sailing.  But in the not too distant future we will have two weddings and my son will graduate college.  And if the good Lord allows it I will start my master's degree in Social Work.

As I have faced all of this in the past year I have also had to deal with a lot of fear and some deep dark places in my mind and heart.  You see I have a tendency to dwell on the worst and worry about how it will all work out.  I have physically practiced taking my thoughts captive and stopping them or telling them the TRUTH!!  Because what I have to remind myself of is that if I don't take them to task and speak the truth to my thoughts they will overwhelm me and take me to a deep pit of despair.

I have had to remind myself that my thoughts are often not the truth.  They are overshadowed by past experiences and the reactionary process to those experiences.  In other words what my past tells me is to expect what I got from someone else or what the world tells me should be.  You see I'm human and I get scared of the what might happens, and what ifs, and what will everybody else think or the ever present comparison game.

Man does that comparison stuff suck.  My journey and the people who may be walking a similar one will never be the same.  My cancer may not have been as bad, I may not have had to have chemo or lost my hair but the losses I have been dealing with lately have a lot more to do with the inward battle.  Will the cancer return, will I get all the feeling back in my breasts, will they look okay, will the clothes I wear fit right or look right.  Will anyone notice but me and if I notice will it shake me so much that my confidence or lack of will be affected.

And then God.  He sent me back to some awesome stories of imperfect people, David and Joseph and so many more.  They faced some crazy broken issues and sin and God still included their stories in His word.  I've been reading some Sheila Walsh books and they have spoken to that broken, not okay, place in my spirit.  The place that satan likes to wiggle around and try to get my focus off of God.

You see my faith, my belief that God is who He says and that His Son came to free us from the laws of religion and from our sin, hold me up and helps me look at my emotions and thoughts with His truth.  When I dissect what's going through my head and heart and hold it up next to His Word then I'm reminded that life is seasons.  And just like the weather seasons can change quickly so can the seasons of my life.

So for today, I will celebrate with my peeps and enjoy the glory of God who frees and restores the broken and builds family from so many places.

Legacy of Strength

What is strength?  The dictionary says this.

I believe this is a good definition. Strength is something we all want to have.  I have been called strong at many different times in my life.  When I survived losses in life.  When I worked long and hard even when tired.  When I walked through physical pain in a way others might not.  All of these might make it seem as if I was strong but most of the time I don't feel very strong.  I just feel like I have to keep going.  Keep moving, keep putting one foot in front of the other until the darkness fades and I start to see the light again.  

A legacy is defined by the dictionary like this.

My kids probably won't get much from the first but I hope to leave them a legacy of strength.  

I want them to know how to build the strength that keeps you moving.  In my lifetime I have seen many people leave a legacy of strength.  Some fought in wars, some fought illness, some chose not to fight and lived a life full of grace every moment which took great strength. 

In my family tree there is a legacy of strength.  The strength that each generation draws from comes from the same source.  A deep pool of faith.  There were no perfect people or perfect Christians.  We were judgmental and often saw the speck in someone else's eye before we saw the log in our own.  We were flawed and we got angry and we sometimes said the wrong thing or made the wrong choice.  But I believe I can honestly say I learned from my ancestors a legacy of love and faith.  

In our culture today so often we have an ideal of what our legacy should be.  A famous name or a large amount of wealth.  We should be able to leave our children better off than we were.  And that is what I hope to leave my children and all those who I've encountered in this lifetime.  I hope that one day when they think of me they think of the one thing that defined my strength.  I hope and pray they think of Jesus.  

My prayer is that my children and grandchildren will not think of the mistakes I made or the bad choices or the things I got wrong.  I hope that they will just remember that I somehow along the way pointed them to Jesus.  He is my strength and my hope.  

Right now I feel pretty weak.  Un-strong if you will.  The fear of unknowns and what ifs can start to overwhelm me in a hurry if I take my eyes off of the source of my strength.  A cancer diagnoses and the thought of surgery and recovery and the god awful medical bills and time off from work and - you get the picture.  I'm scared.  Scared of what I don't know how to control.  

So I have to refocus my thoughts and keep the relationship that is the most important at a level of intimacy that no one else can understand.  This is my journey and I will choose how to fight and when to sit back and rest.  I have friends who are tired of fighting and some who are just getting started like me.  It's when we lose sight of the moment and look too far forward that we lose our strength.  Because strength is built in the trenches.  In the daily use of the muscles that build them up.  The strength of perseverance comes through persevering. 

Today I'm just admitting my weakness.  I'm just human and I just have hope in the one who knows every single cell in my body.  Even the broken cancer ridden cells.  And I will cling to the hope of knowing He holds my future.  

Corinthians 12:9(ESV) But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

I AM ENOUGH

Lately God has really been hammering my heart about this whole issue of comparison and feelings of inadequacy.  It's funny even how often I've read a blog or heard someone speak about how we so often get caught up in this world of comparison. 

I don't know  really where or when but I remember as far back as elementary school and junior high reading the book "Are  You There God, It's Me Margaret" and how often I compared myself to those around me.  And somehow in my mind I never seemed to measure up. 

I wasn't tall enough, skinny enough, smart enough, fast enough, whatever enough.  I didn't think I could sing as well a someone else or I didn't think I was as pretty as someone else.  Not as spiritual or didn't pray enough or right.  I was a tomboy who was very shy and that just complicated the issue because I was always in my own head (as I've said before - a very scary place at times). 

Over time these not enoughs led me to a place of just wanting to be seen.  Noticed, accepted and loved as enough.  I just wanted to be enough to not keep comparing myself and seeming to be on the short end of the stick.  Even though I knew I was loved and had friends and family I still felt the need to compare myself to what I saw in other people.  There was always someone who seemed better. 

As I was able to rationalize that this was all in my head I got better at letting it go and yet in the back of my mind it was always there.  Comparing my mothering skills to someone else's.  Or my situation or whatever.  With all of this I have a very competitive nature which pretty much meant that I always had a measuring stick even when I thought I didn't.

Recently I was hit with a life situation that triggered some serious not enough thoughts.  Things that I thought I was past and had actually dealt with and moved on from.  I felt like all those past not enoughs rushed up and hit me in the face.  I was really struggling to find my worth and value.  Life has a way of doing that doesn't it.  Sneaking up and slapping us right at the weakest moment when all the lifey things are happening at once.  The comparing myself to others - those with money, or sex appeal, or magazine pictures and pretty facades that really aren't truth - nearly took me under. 

But then God.  I was sitting in worship two Sundays ago and it was as if God reached down and smacked me on the back of the head.  With God, I AM ENOUGH!!.  He created me just the way I am and He loved me before I was even conceived.  So much so that He sent His only Son to die for me.  He reminded me of the verse in Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

There is a song out right now by Cory Asbury, called Reckless Love.  It is a powerful reminder that God chases us down even when we are wallowing in our darkest thoughts.  This phrase really strikes to the heart of my comparison lies.  "There is no wall you won't kick down, lie you won't tear down -coming after me".  God is the light that tears down the lies. His word is what pulls me from the depths of comparison and reminds me that I really don't want to be like the world I compare myself to. 

What freedom comes from God.  He tears down all the lies of the enemy and the lies that I've fed myself for so many years.  In God I am enough.  He makes me more than enough.

The Power of Fear

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately.  How easily it can overwhelm me and make me feel lost and alone.  There is so much in our world today that contributes to a fearful spirit.  War, turmoil among people - every day my news feeds are filled with horrible things happening to people.  It often makes me want to just go find a place to hide and not be a part of this world. 

Fear in and of itself is just a word. An emotion that we give way too much power.  The things that I am so often afraid of never come to pass or are way less worrisome than I think they are going to be.

I recall a time where I would easily try new things and I wasn't afraid of adventures or climbing trees.  People were always the hardest though.  I was always afraid of what other people might think about me and my choices and the way my life looked.  Lately I've wondered what happened to the little kid who felt secure and free enough to just climb the tree.  Why does making a choice or trying something new tie me up in knots?

Why do I worry what someone will think about the decisions I make?  Why do I try to pass that fear on to others by making them question what they should do or not do?  Why do I think I need to control the things around me? 

When we live a life that is founded in the here and now and the things of this world - money, stuff, a certain image or expectation we are missing the big picture. I'm learning to not try and control the world around me.  In the past I was afraid of what might happen so I would control the things I thought I could in the hopes of limiting the type of fall out I might encounter - ugly words or hurtful comments.  Of course all I did was put myself in a comfortable shell that became much like a prison. 

I was so afraid of what might happen outside my cocoon I forgot to keep living.  I can't say that I've managed to break out of my self made prison but I am making strides.  I'm trying not to be the over controlled freak of a mom or wife.  I'm trying to trust others enough to say what I feel and not just avoid the topics that scare me.  Now I just need to get brave enough to find a way to connect with some new people.  Find a way to meet some new friends and live a little outside of myself.

It's coming slowly and I know that God is getting me ready for what He wants.  He is constantly reminding me to just trust Him to show me what the next step in my adventure will be.  Because the one thing I do know is that His love is perfect and if I empty myself of me and let Him fill me up then the fear doesn't have room to move into my mind.  It's a daily process of emptying and actively seeking to fill my mind with the love that only He can give me and letting it pour out of me. 

The big picture is way more than just me and my little world.  I have the pleasure of spending an eternity with a God who cared enough to walk among us and help us live without fear.  We can be brave and strong and fearless.  We can love all people without judging or being afraid of what will come from loving them.  With God we have resurrection power living in us and friend - that is super power beyond imaging.  God will and can fill our every need and erase all fear from our lives.  We just have to keep trusting and seeking Him to fill the empty spaces. 

Stolen Blessings

“Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:12-14‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I have always been somewhat independent and proud. I prefer to be the fixer or helper and serve behind the scenes more often than in the limelight. As a believer in Jesus I started blogging for a couple of reasaons. Primarily because my brain and heart were overflowing and I needed to spill that out to process it. At the same time I felt that one of the biggest things that was missing in the many churches I grew up in was transparency.

There was this perfectionist Christian mentality that seemed to preclude people from admitting when they were struggling. Too many were concerned with what others would think and say if they admitted their relationship with Jesus wasn’t perfect. That is a very hard way to live and I really tried to live that way.

But then I found the most amazing thing in those same believers. When I faltered or struggled and actually shared that with someone I was often overwhelmed with help or words of encouragement and even some were willing to step up and say I’ve been there too and I understand. Wow. What a blessing to receive. Acceptance and love in spite of the circumstance or struggle.

During really hard losses or struggles God showed up in those people. When my daughter died a friend called to say God told her to buy me a dress for the funeral. She bought a few and one was as if God said through her - I see you. I see your hurt and I am with you. You see the dress designer was named “Sarah Elizabeth” the name we chose for our daughter. My friend didn’t know. She just shopped for dresses because God said to.

Another time a friend called to say she wanted to do my families laundry while my son was in the hospital very near death. That is my least favorite chore. That experience was probably one of the most humbling. My pride wouldn’t let me ask for help easily and to take my dirty underwear to someone else to wash was very difficult. It was physical reminder of our need for transparency.

We learn from each other. We draw hope from each other. When we allow God to use our brokenness  to reach into others lives we give courage and strength to someone else struggling. When we don’t ask for help or someone offers and we refuse then we steal their blessing. You see there are two sides to every blessing. The blessing of being the giver (helper or servant) and the blessing as the receiver. I prefer to be the giver. I really don’t like being the recipient. And yet I have been blessed so many times by friends who listened to God. A bag of groceries or a check or even a bag of unexpected kitchen items left at an apartment door.

In the past few years I’ve really had to remind myself that I need to be aware of stealing the blessing from the giver. When someone takes the time to obey God and offer to help or share or serve and I say no it’s a missed blessing for us both.

My mom is about to go round three with cancer. She has battled breast cancer twice. Now we face yet another round. She isn’t worried about herself but she is worried. Worried for my dad who is worried for her. And worried for all of us kids who are also worried for her and my dad. But one thing I know is that we are all about to experience the blessing of God. Because regardless of what happens with her health I know that there are people who have walked this road that will come along side of us.  People will bring meals and there will be many prayers. And friend prayer is the most powerful thing we can do.

Prayer connects us the the power within (if you are a believer) and the highest power -God. The God who raises the dead and heals the sick and created the universe. Prayer connects us in the most powerful way.

So I ask any of you who read this to just pray. Pray for my family this week as we face surgery and then information.  And next time someone offers to step into your struggle say thank you and allow both of you to be blessed

Which Voice

I've always heard there are many voices vying for your attention and trying to give you wisdom or advice. Some are urgent and seem to really strive to attract your focus while others are quiet and in their silence speak volumes. 

Lately I've struggled with voices. The voice in my mind that represents all my insecurities and the voice that I recognize as truth. It's been said that satan is the father of lies and his voice is persistent. While the voice of God is often a quiet whisper in our hearts and ears. 

I started a lot of new in the last few weeks and one of the big things was a new job. Any time you start something new there is a learning curve. Things they may seem simple or easy in the past may not be in a new environment or where there are slight differences in the way something is done. 

Add to the newness a separate desire to please people and do the best to impress and very quickly the voices in my mind can get very skewed. I've always said my expectations of myself and my own self talk can be some of the scariest things I face. My new job is proving that true. I'm striving to not allow the voices in my head that say I can't, or it's too hard to rule my thoughts. When I take my focus off the one thing I should be about - pleasing God and not people - I start to fall under the weight of the voices and feel like I don't measure up. 

I let the job and the fact that I've only been doing it a couple of weeks so I'm  not perfect define who and where my worth is. That's so dumb and yet for the past couple of weeks I have been fighting my own mind. Imagining what other people might be thinking instead of acknowledging that I just haven't been there long enough to really figure it out. 

Of course as God so often does He opened my eyes a little wider this morning with our Connection Class lesson in 1 Samuel. It was about where David had the opportunity - the open door if you will - and yet He chose not to take the perfect chance to kill Saul - his enemy. Instead, he listened to the still small voice of the Father. The voice that said just trust me and my plan and just like that He kept seeking God and eventually God took care of Saul in His time and His way so David didn't have to shed the blood of the king. 

How often do we walk through the door ahead of God and end up in a situation or with a choice where the consequences were much worse when if we had waited on God things might have worked out differently. Therein is often my struggle. As I've said before I'm a fixer and just like that God reminded me today that I'm not God - I can't fix everything. I'm not perfect and I have to constantly be in His presence or else the other voices can so easily drown His out. 

His voice is the voice of the shepherd and if I'm not seeking the relationship with Him built in intimacy then my voice or the voices of my past are too loud and overwhelm me. 

I don't know if you struggle with voices from the world, or your past, or your own negative self talk but satan is quick to try to use those to come at you fast and hard so you can't hear the calming voice of the Father. So seek His face so you can recognize the voice of the one who chose you and frees you and seeks to remind you that you are worthy. Just as you are - you are flawless and beautiful to the one who made you. 

This job won't defeat me and in time I pray it will be all that I know it can and I will be able to be all they need. Until I learn it though I will listen to the Father and not my negative thoughts.