I AM ENOUGH

Lately God has really been hammering my heart about this whole issue of comparison and feelings of inadequacy.  It's funny even how often I've read a blog or heard someone speak about how we so often get caught up in this world of comparison. 

I don't know  really where or when but I remember as far back as elementary school and junior high reading the book "Are  You There God, It's Me Margaret" and how often I compared myself to those around me.  And somehow in my mind I never seemed to measure up. 

I wasn't tall enough, skinny enough, smart enough, fast enough, whatever enough.  I didn't think I could sing as well a someone else or I didn't think I was as pretty as someone else.  Not as spiritual or didn't pray enough or right.  I was a tomboy who was very shy and that just complicated the issue because I was always in my own head (as I've said before - a very scary place at times). 

Over time these not enoughs led me to a place of just wanting to be seen.  Noticed, accepted and loved as enough.  I just wanted to be enough to not keep comparing myself and seeming to be on the short end of the stick.  Even though I knew I was loved and had friends and family I still felt the need to compare myself to what I saw in other people.  There was always someone who seemed better. 

As I was able to rationalize that this was all in my head I got better at letting it go and yet in the back of my mind it was always there.  Comparing my mothering skills to someone else's.  Or my situation or whatever.  With all of this I have a very competitive nature which pretty much meant that I always had a measuring stick even when I thought I didn't.

Recently I was hit with a life situation that triggered some serious not enough thoughts.  Things that I thought I was past and had actually dealt with and moved on from.  I felt like all those past not enoughs rushed up and hit me in the face.  I was really struggling to find my worth and value.  Life has a way of doing that doesn't it.  Sneaking up and slapping us right at the weakest moment when all the lifey things are happening at once.  The comparing myself to others - those with money, or sex appeal, or magazine pictures and pretty facades that really aren't truth - nearly took me under. 

But then God.  I was sitting in worship two Sundays ago and it was as if God reached down and smacked me on the back of the head.  With God, I AM ENOUGH!!.  He created me just the way I am and He loved me before I was even conceived.  So much so that He sent His only Son to die for me.  He reminded me of the verse in Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

There is a song out right now by Cory Asbury, called Reckless Love.  It is a powerful reminder that God chases us down even when we are wallowing in our darkest thoughts.  This phrase really strikes to the heart of my comparison lies.  "There is no wall you won't kick down, lie you won't tear down -coming after me".  God is the light that tears down the lies. His word is what pulls me from the depths of comparison and reminds me that I really don't want to be like the world I compare myself to. 

What freedom comes from God.  He tears down all the lies of the enemy and the lies that I've fed myself for so many years.  In God I am enough.  He makes me more than enough.

The Power of Fear

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately.  How easily it can overwhelm me and make me feel lost and alone.  There is so much in our world today that contributes to a fearful spirit.  War, turmoil among people - every day my news feeds are filled with horrible things happening to people.  It often makes me want to just go find a place to hide and not be a part of this world. 

Fear in and of itself is just a word. An emotion that we give way too much power.  The things that I am so often afraid of never come to pass or are way less worrisome than I think they are going to be.

I recall a time where I would easily try new things and I wasn't afraid of adventures or climbing trees.  People were always the hardest though.  I was always afraid of what other people might think about me and my choices and the way my life looked.  Lately I've wondered what happened to the little kid who felt secure and free enough to just climb the tree.  Why does making a choice or trying something new tie me up in knots?

Why do I worry what someone will think about the decisions I make?  Why do I try to pass that fear on to others by making them question what they should do or not do?  Why do I think I need to control the things around me? 

When we live a life that is founded in the here and now and the things of this world - money, stuff, a certain image or expectation we are missing the big picture. I'm learning to not try and control the world around me.  In the past I was afraid of what might happen so I would control the things I thought I could in the hopes of limiting the type of fall out I might encounter - ugly words or hurtful comments.  Of course all I did was put myself in a comfortable shell that became much like a prison. 

I was so afraid of what might happen outside my cocoon I forgot to keep living.  I can't say that I've managed to break out of my self made prison but I am making strides.  I'm trying not to be the over controlled freak of a mom or wife.  I'm trying to trust others enough to say what I feel and not just avoid the topics that scare me.  Now I just need to get brave enough to find a way to connect with some new people.  Find a way to meet some new friends and live a little outside of myself.

It's coming slowly and I know that God is getting me ready for what He wants.  He is constantly reminding me to just trust Him to show me what the next step in my adventure will be.  Because the one thing I do know is that His love is perfect and if I empty myself of me and let Him fill me up then the fear doesn't have room to move into my mind.  It's a daily process of emptying and actively seeking to fill my mind with the love that only He can give me and letting it pour out of me. 

The big picture is way more than just me and my little world.  I have the pleasure of spending an eternity with a God who cared enough to walk among us and help us live without fear.  We can be brave and strong and fearless.  We can love all people without judging or being afraid of what will come from loving them.  With God we have resurrection power living in us and friend - that is super power beyond imaging.  God will and can fill our every need and erase all fear from our lives.  We just have to keep trusting and seeking Him to fill the empty spaces. 

United We Stand

A long time ago a group of individuals came together for one purpose. Freedom.

Freedom to speak, love and to determine the path of a country. They didn't put their faith in a man or a group of men. They put their faith in God. They worked together to create our nation. A nation I'm proud to be a part of.

Lately I've been saddened by the number of people, many I call friends or family who took to social media and used it as a platform to attack. Rather than showing love and respect they painted groups with ugly words and inflamed speech. All because of a couple of individuals and what they say they stand for. It was immediately an us against them mentality. If you even hinted to side with one over the other you were suddenly painted with a wide sweeping stroke of judgment.

I saw people argue and spew ugliness to people they say they loved and they showed no respect for a difference in views or opinions. Suddenly people who were united were divided. People I called friend grouped people who voted differently than them into a stereotypical category of uneducated or racist or whatever word didn't agree with their views.

How did we get to this place?  A place where if you don't agree with someone you are considered an evil person full of hate. How did we suddenly decide that one man or woman was the only hope for our country?  If our country is made great because of one person then we are in a sorry mess. Our country is great because it was founded on God. Right now it looks ugly and torn apart. Why? Because we took our eyes off of the one thing that made this country great. Not a party or a person but a Rock. A solid Rock that stands before our country and will stand long after it's gone.

I heard it said this morning that if you have hit rock bottom then know that the rock at the bottom is Jesus. He is the rock. The cornerstone. My prayer for the country that I love and that I'm proud to be a citizen of is that we will go back to where we started. Back to God. He is the only thing to unite us. We need to seek Him and strive to be like Him so we can love one another rather than categorizing and dividing people.