Religion or Relationship

““What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you are filthy—full of greed and self-indulgence! You blind Pharisee! First wash the inside of the cup and the dish, and then the outside will become clean, too.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭23:25-26‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Today my uncle passed away.  He is the youngest brother to my dad and for the last couple of years he has been in a nursing home.  When my dad called this morning I knew it wasn't good news because its Father's Day and it should have been me calling but I wasn't even awake yet.  So I figured it was something else and of course it was.  In the last few years I've watched my dad go to the nursing home and then come back sad and disheartened because he knew his brother was slipping away.  I couldn't bring myself to go because I wanted to remember him as he was sitting on the porch telling stories with my dad.  I didn't want to see him lost and confused. 

He was the youngest son.  Kind of the black sheep and to me he always seemed a little lost and that made me sad and always extra grateful to see him and get to hug him a little tighter. He was single when he passed and had no children.  Just a bunch of siblings and nieces and nephews and great nieces and nephews.  I think that's why I worried most about his relationship. 

You see we grew up in the South and as most people from the south or around the south we know about Jesus.  We grew up in religion.  It didn't matter what religion you actively or inactively participated in, if you were from the south you likely called yourself a Christian.  Just because we knew about religion.  Always in church and always hearing about religion.  Over the years I believe this is why so many have come to think of Christians as judgmental and holier than thou.  We thought if you weren't actively involved in the rules and regulations of whatever religion you were a part of then you weren't as good as us.

Churches were so segregated - not just racially but by religion.  If you weren't Catholic or Baptist or Pentecostal or Church of Christ or whatever you believed because of your background then you were judged by other denominations as less holy or religions.  I lived it, I practiced it and then I started to look a little deeper.  I started to really look at the difference between religion - how we practice what we believe, and relationship - how we lived what we believe. 

You see I believe that religion isn't nearly as important as relationship.  That's why were created after all.  To be in relationship with God.  He wanted us to be a part of His creation and to walk with Him and talk with Him in the garden.  I began to see that Jesus was far more interested in our hearts than the rules of the religion that we practiced.  He was far more interested in my heart and my talking and walking with Him than what church I attended and what Bible translation I was reading. 

When you really look at the life of Jesus you will see that He was more interested in the brokenness of mankind than the religious laws that man had put in place.  He came to build relationship.  He wants us to long to be in His presence.  To seek out His word and His love and His presence more than making sure we are following the laws of some religion. 

Churches are awesome.  They allow us to come together and jointly reach out to others.  To share a heart for Jesus.  But no church is perfect.  No religion is perfect.  No person is perfect.  Only when we recognize that, will we start to recognize the need for relationship.  Because we can't reach out to anyone in love unless we first learn what real love is.  And I know that I can't know what real love is unless I go to the source.  The Savior who willingly laid down His life so mine could be changed.  He loved everyone - and everyone who came in contact with Him walked away changed.  He is the change that we need.  His love is the only love. 

“For this is how God loved the world: He gave3:16 Or For God loved the world so much that he gave. his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. 17God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:16-17 NLT 

But to know that love and to find that change we have to build the relationship.  I know my uncle knew about Jesus.  But it breaks my heart to say that I really don't know if he knew Jesus.  I don't know what his relationship with the Savior was and I'm ashamed that I didn't take the time to truly build a relationship where I could ask the question and find the answer. 

Our heavenly Father is the perfect example of a relationship builder.  He wanted it so bad that He willingly let us choose sin and then freely gave His Son to redeem us and then went further to send the Holy Spirit to walk with us and teach us what relationship should really be. 

I don't know what your relationship with your father is like and that may cloud your view of God.  But if you know about Jesus then I would pray that you would ask the Father above to show you how to desire a relationship with Jesus.  The kind of relationship where you can bare all the hurts and broken pieces of your soul and know that you won't be judged but you will be loved. 

Jesus longs for us to know Him so intimately that we tell Him and share with Him the things that we would never dream of telling anyone else.  To truly know Jesus all you have to do is seek Him.  He doesn't run and hide from you.  He is waiting in the pages of the Bible, in the quiet of the night, in the beauty of a flower and the majesty of a mountain.  Jesus is right there just waiting on you to seek Him.  And when you do He will walk into your life and start the change that only He can.

So I ask you today.  Do you have religion or do you have a relationship with the God who loves you and knows you best?  If you just have religion I pray that you will find relationship.

Through the Fire

Today I turn 51. It's my birthday. I am what people today call a rainbow baby. Before they had me my parents lost a baby. My older brother Kenneth Dale didn't survive birth. If he had I would not have been here. My dad was serving in Vietnam and was only allowed to come home briefly.  The result was me.

Two days ago I celebrated my rainbow baby's 19th birthday. I never fully understood the significance of a rainbow baby until I had my own. The lessons I've learned in the past 51 years all seem to be a direct result of loss. 

As a Christian I continue to learn the importance of loss. I don't like it but I understand it so much more as I grow older. Each loss lesson I experience has the ability to tear me down or draw me closer to the God I gave my life to many years ago. It makes the things in life so much more precious. 

Just this past week we experienced a week without air conditioning. If you know anything about living in the south you understand why that is a significant loss. We lost the cooling air that keeps the humidity and heat at a minimum. We got hot and sticky and even with multiple fans and a couple of window units it was bearable but not quite as cool. When they finished replacing the air conditioner and I came home to a cool house I had a deeper appreciation for cool air. 

Loss does that. It gives you a deeper appreciation of what you have lost and what you still have. For me loss gives me a greater appreciation of relationships. With God, with my family and friends. Over the years I have had different types of losses. Some good and some really bad and some that were significantly necessary. They helped me shed the hard edges of me and help me learn more about how to be like Christ. 

Today as I see post after post on my Facebook telling me happy birthday I am amazed by the various people all over the world who I've been privileged to meet and know in my years on earth. I can't help but wonder how many I have forgotten or harmed in some way. I know I am far from perfect and God continues to break off the rough edges and I am grateful for those painful lessons. 

So as I reflect on the losses that have shaped me I just want to say to all who know me. Forgive me if I've forgotten or harmed you and thank you all for being a part of all that God is doing in my life. Someday I hope to see you all together in heaven and sit at the feet of my Savior and rejoice in the fires I've been through. 

“Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭48:10‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Scattered Pictures

In my house are many pictures.  Some are in frames. Some on phones and electronic devices that are beyond recovery.  Some are scattered around in boxes and books.

There is one set of pictures that are in a folder in a bag in the back of drawer in my file cabinet.  Those pictures are of my daughter. They are the only pictures I have of her.  For years looking at them and the few items I have of her only brought guilt.

Recently a friend lost her baby and got some bad news all in a very short amount of time.  I was immediately struck with heartache for her and I thought of my Sarah. It also reminded me of how much guilt we tend to carry as we grieve.  I think that of all the emotions we deal with during grief, guilt is the hardest to overcome.

Everyone processes loss differently and I know grief is a love language but it can also bring so much guilt that we can get stuck in the sorrow and not move past the grief .  We dwell on all the things we think we could have done differently or not done.

Loss doesn't have to mean death.  No matter what we are grieving there is often still guilt.

Guilt over a broken relationship.         

Guilt over the loss of normal.
Guilt over infertility.
Guilt over choices that created loss.

We grieve the loss of normal or what we think normal should be and there is guilt even in that.

When I was in elementary school I lost three grandparents.  The first death that left a huge impact was my paternal grandfather.  I was the first to ever write him a letter and the letter I received back expressed his pride and joy in that.  When he died shortly after and then my other grandfather died after I wrote him a letter, in my young mind I associated my letters with the reason for their deaths. I felt so guilty.  It took quite a few years for my mind to grow enough to let go of that guilt.

The loss of my daughter Sarah Elizabeth was even more guilt ridden.  As a mom carrying a baby I just knew there was something I did or should have done differently that would have allowed her to live.  It took a while and a Sunday School lesson I was teaching my 5th grade class to break me free of that guilt.

It all came down to these verses. Psalm 139:13-16. Verse sixteen especially struck me.  "Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

That verse reminded me that God knew each moment of my life, even before I was formed, and He was present with my Sarah in my body before her body was even formed.  Wow! I had nothing to feel guilty for.  God escorted my baby the whole time she was being formed and dying.

Guilt is a tool of satan.  If he can keep us feeling guilty about our loss - whatever it may be then he can isolate us from those who can lift us up and encourage us.  From those who've walked in our darkness and found the light.  And most importantly from the God who knew us before our cells were even merged together.

I pray that if you are reading this and are struggling with guilt in your situation that you will lay it at the feet of the God who knows you and your circumstance better than you know yourself.

Psalms 3:3 - "But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head."

No Heartbeat

Probably the two hardest words I've ever heard. Nine months pregnant with no unusual difficulties with the pregnancy and then to hear the words "no heartbeat". At the time we didn't know if we were expecting a boy or a girl and in a matter of just a few minutes our world shifted. We went from joy and expectation to loss and uncertainty. That was nineteen years ago. 

Just a little over a year after that I was told those words again. This time with a pregnancy barely in the process. A baby that was expected to fill the gap suddenly was an uncertainty. A weekend of prayer and pain and crying out for miracles. And then there he was. A tiny heartbeat waiting to be born. 

Fear can rob the joy. As we drew closer to the due date for David the loss of Sarah brought fear for what might happen. We waited for this miracle that couldn't be found at three months to be delivered before the forty weeks with excitement and hope and a shadow of fear. 

There has been lots of change since that time but one thing never has changed. My God is faithful. He has walked with me in the valleys and on the mountains. But it's been the valleys that have built the strongest faith. I can honestly say I wouldn't choose to ever experience the bad stuff again but I also have to say that those broken times are the best. They gave me appreciation for the moments. 

I just read something the other day that says we remember the moments not the days. I could tell you story after story of moments in my life where God showed up big. Moments where joy was overwhelming and grief rocked me to the core and I wouldn't change any of those moments. Don't ask me about dates or days or even to remember names of long past friends.  For some reason my mind doesn't hold those as well. But the moments. The ones that were a reflection and intentionally marked by God. Those I can remember. 

As I look around at my kids and my family and so many people who have touched my life I know that the words "no heartbeat" are a lie. The heartbeats live on. My Sarah's heart beats with my Jeaus and in me and my kids and all of those moments that continue to be a part of us. 

My God is a big God and He gets bigger through each beat of my heart. 

“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” Psalm 91:1 NIV