There is one set of pictures that are in a folder in a bag in the back of drawer in my file cabinet. Those pictures are of my daughter. They are the only pictures I have of her. For years looking at them and the few items I have of her only brought guilt.
Recently a friend lost her baby and got some bad news all in a very short amount of time. I was immediately struck with heartache for her and I thought of my Sarah. It also reminded me of how much guilt we tend to carry as we grieve. I think that of all the emotions we deal with during grief, guilt is the hardest to overcome.
Everyone processes loss differently and I know grief is a love language but it can also bring so much guilt that we can get stuck in the sorrow and not move past the grief . We dwell on all the things we think we could have done differently or not done.
Loss doesn't have to mean death. No matter what we are grieving there is often still guilt.
Guilt over a broken relationship.
Guilt over infertility.
Guilt over choices that created loss.
We grieve the loss of normal or what we think normal should be and there is guilt even in that.
When I was in elementary school I lost three grandparents. The first death that left a huge impact was my paternal grandfather. I was the first to ever write him a letter and the letter I received back expressed his pride and joy in that. When he died shortly after and then my other grandfather died after I wrote him a letter, in my young mind I associated my letters with the reason for their deaths. I felt so guilty. It took quite a few years for my mind to grow enough to let go of that guilt.
The loss of my daughter Sarah Elizabeth was even more guilt ridden. As a mom carrying a baby I just knew there was something I did or should have done differently that would have allowed her to live. It took a while and a Sunday School lesson I was teaching my 5th grade class to break me free of that guilt.
It all came down to these verses. Psalm 139:13-16. Verse sixteen especially struck me. "Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."
That verse reminded me that God knew each moment of my life, even before I was formed, and He was present with my Sarah in my body before her body was even formed. Wow! I had nothing to feel guilty for. God escorted my baby the whole time she was being formed and dying.
Guilt is a tool of satan. If he can keep us feeling guilty about our loss - whatever it may be then he can isolate us from those who can lift us up and encourage us. From those who've walked in our darkness and found the light. And most importantly from the God who knew us before our cells were even merged together.
I pray that if you are reading this and are struggling with guilt in your situation that you will lay it at the feet of the God who knows you and your circumstance better than you know yourself.
Psalms 3:3 - "But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head."
