Crying is Cathartic

Psalm 30:5 (ESV) For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime.Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Sometimes you just need a good cry. Something about pouring out your frustration, anger or sorrow can just renew your mind and spirit. Today is that day. This has been a weird time for me emotionally. In January I started grad school knowing that shortly thereafter I would be watching my baby girl get married. A permanent move from being my baby to being a wife. A separate family from her family of origin. It was a lot. Then I was anticipating the graduation of my baby boy. A young man who has taken great strides in his growth and maturity. A young man who struggled with ADD in school and managed college without any medication. Held down a job while he worked hard to do well and sculpt cool pieces of art. Then we all got hit with this craziness we are all currently living, COVID 19. 

Photo by Alana Mae Photography

Grief comes in many forms and can sneak up on you when you least expect. We grieve the things that aren't what we were expecting or the things that break our hearts. The loss, hurts, family discord, or just the normal routine and life that we prefer. I knew that the beginnings and endings with my kids would be hard but I thought I would be able to hold them and dye eggs at Easter, or plan to celebrate graduation with a big family event. To visit with them and love on them even as we faced the transitions. But this crazy virus changed all of that. Instead I have been uprooted in my routine. I can't just choose to go see them on a weekend or see my parents or siblings. I can't just go run to the store to get flowers to put on a grave. All the things I thought I would be doing uprooted and blew up with one word - quarantine. 

My husband and I are considered essential. Although I have worked some from home and some from my office he has spent every day going in to work. It has been a little scary and yet we both are committed to caring for other people. We just keep doing what we do and pray that our God will keep us safe. The quarantine hasn't been that hard for us in the grand scheme of things. We don't do a lot anyway but its knowing that I can't just get in my car and go north that is causing me grief. 

 I miss my people. I want to go see my family and yet I don't want to bring any potential illness. I want normal. I want my routine back and I want to be able to just go to the store or a restaurant and not feel like I need a mask or gloves to be safe. I want gas prices to go back up so our economy doesn't bottom out. 

Today my Sarah would be 23. You would think by now the grief would be gone and yet its not. Some years it isn't as raw or hurtful, but this year because of all the lack of normal it seems to be a bit overwhelming. I wouldn't trade the babies I had for anything but some days I wouldn't mind for my Lord to just take us all home so we aren't separated anymore. I would love to walk down the paved streets with Jesus and my family. All of them. To be in the presence of Jesus and my people is truly what heaven will be for me. I can't imagine anything better. 

For today though, I'm just gonna cry. I'm gonna let the hurt and frustration of changed lives and changed plans wash out through my eyes. I'm gonna trust that my God who supplies all my needs will just give me His peace for today. And then I'm gonna do homework because well I kind of like that A average I've got going in grad school. That too has been impacted by the virus. Where I should be starting my internship in May it will now be in August. But I know my God was aware of all of this and He is going to keep walking with me daily when I seek Him.

So to anyone out there missing your family or friends or normal know that there is a God who wipes our tears and promises someday we will never weep again. 

 Revelation 21:4 (ESV) He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”