Jealousy can be such an ugly word and thought, when we are talking about relationships and I've always struggled a bit with that connotation when I read the verse in the bible that talks about God being a jealous God.
In the Merriam-Webster dictionary this is how jealous is defined - "intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness". This weekend I had a reality check epiphany and I suddenly had a slightly better understanding of this.
As a mom you see the changes in your children too close to recognize how quickly they are taking place. When they are tiny you hold them and snuggle them and think of what comes next. We say I can't wait to see them crawl and walk and talk. And each phase anticipates the next. And we have hugs and snuggles and their presence in our homes and clenched deep in our hearts. Even when they hit the terrible twos and monster teens we still have those moments and their presence.
The last couple of years I've experienced the changing relationships and my kids are growing and moving into that next phase and this weekend I spent an hour waiting around in town just to see my daughter for five minutes. To hug her and look at her face and be in her presence.
And that's when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm jealous. I'm jealous of those who get to experience her presence. How I miss her presence. Even the moments of drama and grumpiness. Just knowing she was close made me aware of her presence. That's why when my kids are gone the house seems more silent. Their lack of presence leaves a void.
It's why every time my fiancé comes to town and leaves it's harder to let him go. I miss his presence. That's when I really understood why our God is a jealous God. He loves us so much He misses our presence. When we let anything or anyone rival our time with Him, He is jealous. Not in necessarily an angry controlling way - He gives us free will after all. But He longs for us to long for time with Him the way He longs for time with us.
I get it now. Jealous love is different when the love is empowering and all consuming without being overbearing and controlling and ugly as we tend to distort it in our humanness.
I miss my people when they aren't around and I'm jealous of all those who get to experience their presence. I can't even imagine how God feels when He gave so much for us and we don't spend time in His presence daily.
“But Joshua said to the people, “You are not able to serve the Lord, for he is a holy God. He is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions or your sins.”
Joshua 24:19 ESV
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