The Blog I Don't Want to Write

I have put off this blog for months. I wanted to write it back in August but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to the words. It has bubbled and churned and driven me crazy for the last four months and I really still don't want to write it but I have to get the words out of my head. They keep me up at night and then make my emotions all crazy. 

You see this is about 2020. The year that was supposed to scream about unity and connection, the word I chose for 2020. It was supposed to be about closer relationships and a clearer vision of where God wanted me to be used. But God. He had a plan I couldn't possibly imagine. He wanted to shake up my world even more. He wanted me to dig deep inside myself and connect in a different way than I had planned. He has pushed me to look at my connection to Him and how that spills onto other people. 

This year has been so full of so much stuff. Ugly stuff, good stuff, fun stuff, and scary stuff. I have struggled emotionally and with a lot fear and grief. Which of course is why I chose to take a Grief and Bereavement class as an elective in my last module. So this year brought weddings, family health struggles, physically and mentally, losses of jobs and freedoms as well as some legal battles and of course the virus and hurricanes. It was chock full of making time for family even when the fear of the virus overwhelmed. Because one thing that I realized in this year is that I can't make it without my family. I can live without the outside connections that have been ravaged this year but my family keeps me sane. They are the ones who let me cry and fuss and vent without fear of repercussions. They still love me when I ugly cry or take out my frustrations on them instead of processing them appropriately. 

So on to the deep soul searching. 2020 has taught me some hard truths about myself. I require discipline to function. Scheduled time and consistency help me stay focused. When I have too much free time my mind gets to be a very dark place. So I learned that early morning yoga and setting time for my school work was essential. 

One of the hardest things I learned is that when I look too deeply at what is going on with others and compare that to my circumstances I can become an ugly person. When I let the ugly of the world too deeply in my head then it spills out in how I react and treat people. This year what I took for confidence and wisdom, someone else saw as arrogance and condescension. That hurt my heart in ways I can't even begin to describe. But I realized that I had become tired. Tired of being taken advantage of and treated differently than others and I let that come through in negative behavior. I learned that I have to remember that just because I think something is right and good others may not.

I also learned the importance of truly being able to self analyze. If you can't look at your own self deep inside and see what is broken or struggling and seek to mend it then you can't love. You can't share the deep love that you may have for others if all the ugly, negative stuff you carry inside spills out everywhere you go. And trust me that the negative in you will spill out if you don't appropriately deal with it.

So in January I will start my second internship. My first had to be online due to the virus and the hurricanes. I was looking forward to being able to work and do my internship but I ended up jobless with my internship online instead of hands on. It was a challenge to say the least. Forty hours a week online trying to keep my head on straight and still do the other class work that was required. So prayerfully I will do the second one actually in the field and to be honest I'm a bit scared. I'll be working with actual people again and some days I don't think I do people well anymore. I question my abilities and skills and the whole purpose of this degree. Why? Because of comments made by one person that I let in my head. 

Another thing I learned is that when your hormones are jacked up by drugs you may not recognize who you see in the mirror. The inability and lack of desire to stay on a regular fitness schedule added to the pushed menopause from the tamoxifen really sucks. I have struggled with trying to stay healthy and emotionally stable. These are not easy when the drugs you are taking create havoc with your system. 

So here I am writing the blog I didn't want to write and spilling out all my hurt. I've felt like a failure as a mother, a wife, a student, an employee and a friend this year and I'm tired. But God. He led me to read Luke starting December first and what a joy to see the light that Jesus brought to our world. God loved us enough to send His Son, His Son loved us enough that He met the hurting, broken and overlooked right where they were and gave them hope for change. His Son sent Holy Spirit to empower us to love and be like Jesus. That is amazing. Many days I forget that I have Holy Spirit power to make it through the hard times but then some little something small reminds me of what I have to be thankful for. 

I am so thankful for my family and for the Joy that I have knowing that God came to earth as a man for me. He died for me. He lived for me. He welcomes me and someday I will sit at his feet for eternity. This is not my home and all the heartache and fear and failure is just a step on the way to where I will spend my eternity. My deepest heartache and prayer is that my family, my friends and those in my circle will be there too.

In Luke chapter 8 Jesus says "No one after lighting a lamp covers it with a jar or puts it under a bed, but puts it on a stand so that those who enter may see the light. For nothing is hidden  that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light (Luke 8:16-17, ESV). I haven't felt much like a light this year. I've felt very dark. So as I move into 2021 I am hoping that I will be able to find the light inside that the Holy Spirit gives and share it with those who need help finding their way out of the dark. 

In my house I have two nativity sets. One is part of a collection started years ago, the other is one that is allowed to be played with. It is my favorite. It is for the children. The story of love come to earth that can be touched and held. I pray that this Christmas if you have struggled in any way you will come with me to the manger and hold the baby Jesus and remember that He came for you just like He did for me. 

Mom-Atude

This reference for this verse is posted on my side in permanent ink: Psalm 139:13. A tattoo I got a few years back with my kids. "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb."  It is a permanent reminder that before any of us actually make it to this world the God who made the heavens and earth held us first. He saw us, He formed us, He knit us together in our mother's womb.

WOW! That is so reassuring to me as a mom. When my daughter died before she was born I was comforted to know that even there God was present. When my first child was three weeks late and had to be cut from my womb God was there. When my third child was formed with a curve in his spine and a kidney that malfunctioned, God was there. He knew before they were a twinkle in my eye exactly what and who they would become. 

He knew who I would become. He knew what kind of mother I would be before I was ever even thinking about being a mother. God knew.

There are things they don't tell you about being a mom. The sensationalism of being a mom that is often seen in the world through movies, TV, and social media makes being pregnant, delivering and being a mom look beautiful and easy. I would dare to say that is a lie straight from hell. Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs ever. Becoming a mom can be even harder. 

In this world we make being a mother something that all women should strive to be. And yet what if you just to want to be a mom. Or if you can't be a mom. If you are single. Being and becoming a mom should not be the end all be all of womanhood. 

As women we should be striving to be so much more than a mom. I'm not saying being a mom isn't a high calling but so often we put that on ourselves to fill a void that we don't even know we have. We see and smell cute babies and think that being a mom will provide us with someone to love us unconditionally and to always be there and to be what we weren't and to make us feel needed. 

And then that baby grows. And they don't tell you that every change, every struggle that your child faces will make you question everything you ever learned about love. You will wonder how you could love someone so much even when you may not like them or the choices they make. You will wonder how your heart can break over the littlest things over and over again. You will wonder how badly you messed up and how will your child ever reach adulthood. You will wonder what you could have done differently and what you could have done more or better. You will question with your whole heart if you did enough to help them become the best person they can be. 

Today I know of women who desperately want to be moms. Women who have lost their moms. Women who have lost their children. Women who aren't married and don't know if they want or will every have kids. Women who don't think they are doing a very good job at this mom thing. Women who are so caught up in being a mom that they forgot who they were. 

To all of you women in the world today. Whatever your situation I say Happy Mother's Day. Because it's just a day and being a mom isn't all you are called to be. 

God knew - He knew you before you were fully formed. Let Him fill the voids that you have and remember that there is no perfect mom or person. Just a bunch of women doing the best we can with the life that our God formed us to be. 

Love to all.

Photo Credit - Alana Mae Photography

Crying is Cathartic

Psalm 30:5 (ESV) For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime.Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Sometimes you just need a good cry. Something about pouring out your frustration, anger or sorrow can just renew your mind and spirit. Today is that day. This has been a weird time for me emotionally. In January I started grad school knowing that shortly thereafter I would be watching my baby girl get married. A permanent move from being my baby to being a wife. A separate family from her family of origin. It was a lot. Then I was anticipating the graduation of my baby boy. A young man who has taken great strides in his growth and maturity. A young man who struggled with ADD in school and managed college without any medication. Held down a job while he worked hard to do well and sculpt cool pieces of art. Then we all got hit with this craziness we are all currently living, COVID 19. 

Photo by Alana Mae Photography

Grief comes in many forms and can sneak up on you when you least expect. We grieve the things that aren't what we were expecting or the things that break our hearts. The loss, hurts, family discord, or just the normal routine and life that we prefer. I knew that the beginnings and endings with my kids would be hard but I thought I would be able to hold them and dye eggs at Easter, or plan to celebrate graduation with a big family event. To visit with them and love on them even as we faced the transitions. But this crazy virus changed all of that. Instead I have been uprooted in my routine. I can't just choose to go see them on a weekend or see my parents or siblings. I can't just go run to the store to get flowers to put on a grave. All the things I thought I would be doing uprooted and blew up with one word - quarantine. 

My husband and I are considered essential. Although I have worked some from home and some from my office he has spent every day going in to work. It has been a little scary and yet we both are committed to caring for other people. We just keep doing what we do and pray that our God will keep us safe. The quarantine hasn't been that hard for us in the grand scheme of things. We don't do a lot anyway but its knowing that I can't just get in my car and go north that is causing me grief. 

 I miss my people. I want to go see my family and yet I don't want to bring any potential illness. I want normal. I want my routine back and I want to be able to just go to the store or a restaurant and not feel like I need a mask or gloves to be safe. I want gas prices to go back up so our economy doesn't bottom out. 

Today my Sarah would be 23. You would think by now the grief would be gone and yet its not. Some years it isn't as raw or hurtful, but this year because of all the lack of normal it seems to be a bit overwhelming. I wouldn't trade the babies I had for anything but some days I wouldn't mind for my Lord to just take us all home so we aren't separated anymore. I would love to walk down the paved streets with Jesus and my family. All of them. To be in the presence of Jesus and my people is truly what heaven will be for me. I can't imagine anything better. 

For today though, I'm just gonna cry. I'm gonna let the hurt and frustration of changed lives and changed plans wash out through my eyes. I'm gonna trust that my God who supplies all my needs will just give me His peace for today. And then I'm gonna do homework because well I kind of like that A average I've got going in grad school. That too has been impacted by the virus. Where I should be starting my internship in May it will now be in August. But I know my God was aware of all of this and He is going to keep walking with me daily when I seek Him.

So to anyone out there missing your family or friends or normal know that there is a God who wipes our tears and promises someday we will never weep again. 

 Revelation 21:4 (ESV) He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Unity of Connection

It is officially 2020.  A great year to remind us of clarity and vision.  This year my word is Connection.  By definition connection means a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something or someone else. Connecting has always been a struggle for me.  I have a big heart for people and I'm overly empathetic which over the years has led to much pain and heartache at the hands of unknowing people.  So over the years I built some walls and decided that pajamas and books or TV were preferable to true connection and relationships.  People are just extra hard sometimes and over the years I found it easier to avoid connection than to let anyone know too much or get too close.   When I was thinking of this word I was in the process of agreeing to step out of my comfort zone and lead a bible study group that I am involved in.  I joined this group for the very reason that I needed to connect.  As I began to think about this blog I looked over some of the recent ones and realized that just a few short months ago I wrote a blog called connection.  It was about a friend who I allowed myself to connect with who had passed away.  God's timing is so amazing.  That word and the steps I've taken since she passed away have led me to truly seek to be more intentionally connected. 

In the last few months God has been opening my eyes to the relationship between connection and unity.  Our churches and country seem so very disconnected right now and I believe that our culture today is lacking in both connection and unity.  I also believe that it is hard to have unity without connection.  I don't mean that unity means we are all thinking and believing exactly the same.  I believe that unity in the body is all believers seeking on major unifying factor - Jesus Christ.  When as believers we start to truly seek God through His word then we begin to love differently and look at the world differently.  I don't mean that we just love and overlook what scripture says but that we love people so that they want to know Christ and walk away changed.  Every encounter in the Bible that someone had with Christ they were loved into changing.  They made a connection with the life source that frees us from sin.  They not only walked away healed from their sickness but also from their sins. 

Unity does not happen without connection.  If you don't open yourself up with transparency and intimacy you can't love and see another person for who they really are.  It is impossible to fully unite with someone or something without an initial connection.  I'm prone to isolation myself and wonder at times the stories I've missed out on and the experiences I passed over because I didn't take a chance and connect with someone.  So this year I plan to be intentional in my connections.  Trying to be more aware of opportunities to let people a little closer and try to be more open to the hearts of those around me.  I hope that as you walk through this New Year you will strive to be connected in order to be more united in love.  Not allowing the world or differences in lifestyles, or religions drive you further apart.  Love like Jesus and He will do the uniting. 

1 Corinthians 12:12-13 ESV For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. ¹³ For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.