I have put off this blog for months. I wanted to write it back in August but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to the words. It has bubbled and churned and driven me crazy for the last four months and I really still don't want to write it but I have to get the words out of my head. They keep me up at night and then make my emotions all crazy.
You see this is about 2020. The year that was supposed to scream about unity and connection, the word I chose for 2020. It was supposed to be about closer relationships and a clearer vision of where God wanted me to be used. But God. He had a plan I couldn't possibly imagine. He wanted to shake up my world even more. He wanted me to dig deep inside myself and connect in a different way than I had planned. He has pushed me to look at my connection to Him and how that spills onto other people.
This year has been so full of so much stuff. Ugly stuff, good stuff, fun stuff, and scary stuff. I have struggled emotionally and with a lot fear and grief. Which of course is why I chose to take a Grief and Bereavement class as an elective in my last module. So this year brought weddings, family health struggles, physically and mentally, losses of jobs and freedoms as well as some legal battles and of course the virus and hurricanes. It was chock full of making time for family even when the fear of the virus overwhelmed. Because one thing that I realized in this year is that I can't make it without my family. I can live without the outside connections that have been ravaged this year but my family keeps me sane. They are the ones who let me cry and fuss and vent without fear of repercussions. They still love me when I ugly cry or take out my frustrations on them instead of processing them appropriately.
So on to the deep soul searching. 2020 has taught me some hard truths about myself. I require discipline to function. Scheduled time and consistency help me stay focused. When I have too much free time my mind gets to be a very dark place. So I learned that early morning yoga and setting time for my school work was essential.
One of the hardest things I learned is that when I look too deeply at what is going on with others and compare that to my circumstances I can become an ugly person. When I let the ugly of the world too deeply in my head then it spills out in how I react and treat people. This year what I took for confidence and wisdom, someone else saw as arrogance and condescension. That hurt my heart in ways I can't even begin to describe. But I realized that I had become tired. Tired of being taken advantage of and treated differently than others and I let that come through in negative behavior. I learned that I have to remember that just because I think something is right and good others may not.
I also learned the importance of truly being able to self analyze. If you can't look at your own self deep inside and see what is broken or struggling and seek to mend it then you can't love. You can't share the deep love that you may have for others if all the ugly, negative stuff you carry inside spills out everywhere you go. And trust me that the negative in you will spill out if you don't appropriately deal with it.
So in January I will start my second internship. My first had to be online due to the virus and the hurricanes. I was looking forward to being able to work and do my internship but I ended up jobless with my internship online instead of hands on. It was a challenge to say the least. Forty hours a week online trying to keep my head on straight and still do the other class work that was required. So prayerfully I will do the second one actually in the field and to be honest I'm a bit scared. I'll be working with actual people again and some days I don't think I do people well anymore. I question my abilities and skills and the whole purpose of this degree. Why? Because of comments made by one person that I let in my head.
Another thing I learned is that when your hormones are jacked up by drugs you may not recognize who you see in the mirror. The inability and lack of desire to stay on a regular fitness schedule added to the pushed menopause from the tamoxifen really sucks. I have struggled with trying to stay healthy and emotionally stable. These are not easy when the drugs you are taking create havoc with your system.
So here I am writing the blog I didn't want to write and spilling out all my hurt. I've felt like a failure as a mother, a wife, a student, an employee and a friend this year and I'm tired. But God. He led me to read Luke starting December first and what a joy to see the light that Jesus brought to our world. God loved us enough to send His Son, His Son loved us enough that He met the hurting, broken and overlooked right where they were and gave them hope for change. His Son sent Holy Spirit to empower us to love and be like Jesus. That is amazing. Many days I forget that I have Holy Spirit power to make it through the hard times but then some little something small reminds me of what I have to be thankful for.
I am so thankful for my family and for the Joy that I have knowing that God came to earth as a man for me. He died for me. He lived for me. He welcomes me and someday I will sit at his feet for eternity. This is not my home and all the heartache and fear and failure is just a step on the way to where I will spend my eternity. My deepest heartache and prayer is that my family, my friends and those in my circle will be there too.
In Luke chapter 8 Jesus says "No one after lighting a lamp covers it with a jar or puts it under a bed, but puts it on a stand so that those who enter may see the light. For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light (Luke 8:16-17, ESV). I haven't felt much like a light this year. I've felt very dark. So as I move into 2021 I am hoping that I will be able to find the light inside that the Holy Spirit gives and share it with those who need help finding their way out of the dark.
In my house I have two nativity sets. One is part of a collection started years ago, the other is one that is allowed to be played with. It is my favorite. It is for the children. The story of love come to earth that can be touched and held. I pray that this Christmas if you have struggled in any way you will come with me to the manger and hold the baby Jesus and remember that He came for you just like He did for me.
