It's All About Control

Sometimes I think I have life all under control. When I feel like it's spinning out of control I do the things that I can actually control. Like cleaning house, cutting my hair, coloring my hair, piercing my ears or even getting tattoos.

I've done all those things at one time or another just to feel like I can control something. We think we can control our lives. Make decicions and choices and just like that we will be happy and secure. But then something "lifey" happens. A car breaks down, the ac breaks, the kids choose to do life differently than we think they should or they just go back to college and things change again. And what all that we thought we could control goes spinning like tires on black ice. Fast and furiously heading to the edge of insanity we get freaked out.

I think that's why I like tattoos. They are like permanent markers of something i can't control. I got my first one about ten years ago when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. There was nothing I could do. My mom was already a survivor so I got a pink ribbon with the word hope to just say I can't do anything but pray and hope and try to support you. I got a new one this weekend. A permanent reminder that God holds my kids in His hands. That no matter what I do or say or wish for them, ultimately it's out of my control. We got matching tattoos my kids and I. Not exactly the same but similar with one common item- a red heart. Because no matter where we go in life or how far they roam our hearts will always be connected. But I can't control their lives or mine. I just have to trust God.

Trust is hard. So very hard and so out of control.  Because trusting God is admitting that I don't have control. None. Not a drop. I can't make everything and everyone be what I want.  Only God can. And when I feel so out of control I just have to remind myself that I am not in control and not let the feelings overwhelm me. And to not let the enemy use my mind against me. I don't have to be in control. I just have to trust the one who is.

“"Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation."”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭12:2‬ ‭ ESV

Through the Fire

Today I turn 51. It's my birthday. I am what people today call a rainbow baby. Before they had me my parents lost a baby. My older brother Kenneth Dale didn't survive birth. If he had I would not have been here. My dad was serving in Vietnam and was only allowed to come home briefly.  The result was me.

Two days ago I celebrated my rainbow baby's 19th birthday. I never fully understood the significance of a rainbow baby until I had my own. The lessons I've learned in the past 51 years all seem to be a direct result of loss. 

As a Christian I continue to learn the importance of loss. I don't like it but I understand it so much more as I grow older. Each loss lesson I experience has the ability to tear me down or draw me closer to the God I gave my life to many years ago. It makes the things in life so much more precious. 

Just this past week we experienced a week without air conditioning. If you know anything about living in the south you understand why that is a significant loss. We lost the cooling air that keeps the humidity and heat at a minimum. We got hot and sticky and even with multiple fans and a couple of window units it was bearable but not quite as cool. When they finished replacing the air conditioner and I came home to a cool house I had a deeper appreciation for cool air. 

Loss does that. It gives you a deeper appreciation of what you have lost and what you still have. For me loss gives me a greater appreciation of relationships. With God, with my family and friends. Over the years I have had different types of losses. Some good and some really bad and some that were significantly necessary. They helped me shed the hard edges of me and help me learn more about how to be like Christ. 

Today as I see post after post on my Facebook telling me happy birthday I am amazed by the various people all over the world who I've been privileged to meet and know in my years on earth. I can't help but wonder how many I have forgotten or harmed in some way. I know I am far from perfect and God continues to break off the rough edges and I am grateful for those painful lessons. 

So as I reflect on the losses that have shaped me I just want to say to all who know me. Forgive me if I've forgotten or harmed you and thank you all for being a part of all that God is doing in my life. Someday I hope to see you all together in heaven and sit at the feet of my Savior and rejoice in the fires I've been through. 

“Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭48:10‬ ‭ESV‬‬