Legacy of Strength

What is strength?  The dictionary says this.

I believe this is a good definition. Strength is something we all want to have.  I have been called strong at many different times in my life.  When I survived losses in life.  When I worked long and hard even when tired.  When I walked through physical pain in a way others might not.  All of these might make it seem as if I was strong but most of the time I don't feel very strong.  I just feel like I have to keep going.  Keep moving, keep putting one foot in front of the other until the darkness fades and I start to see the light again.  

A legacy is defined by the dictionary like this.

My kids probably won't get much from the first but I hope to leave them a legacy of strength.  

I want them to know how to build the strength that keeps you moving.  In my lifetime I have seen many people leave a legacy of strength.  Some fought in wars, some fought illness, some chose not to fight and lived a life full of grace every moment which took great strength. 

In my family tree there is a legacy of strength.  The strength that each generation draws from comes from the same source.  A deep pool of faith.  There were no perfect people or perfect Christians.  We were judgmental and often saw the speck in someone else's eye before we saw the log in our own.  We were flawed and we got angry and we sometimes said the wrong thing or made the wrong choice.  But I believe I can honestly say I learned from my ancestors a legacy of love and faith.  

In our culture today so often we have an ideal of what our legacy should be.  A famous name or a large amount of wealth.  We should be able to leave our children better off than we were.  And that is what I hope to leave my children and all those who I've encountered in this lifetime.  I hope that one day when they think of me they think of the one thing that defined my strength.  I hope and pray they think of Jesus.  

My prayer is that my children and grandchildren will not think of the mistakes I made or the bad choices or the things I got wrong.  I hope that they will just remember that I somehow along the way pointed them to Jesus.  He is my strength and my hope.  

Right now I feel pretty weak.  Un-strong if you will.  The fear of unknowns and what ifs can start to overwhelm me in a hurry if I take my eyes off of the source of my strength.  A cancer diagnoses and the thought of surgery and recovery and the god awful medical bills and time off from work and - you get the picture.  I'm scared.  Scared of what I don't know how to control.  

So I have to refocus my thoughts and keep the relationship that is the most important at a level of intimacy that no one else can understand.  This is my journey and I will choose how to fight and when to sit back and rest.  I have friends who are tired of fighting and some who are just getting started like me.  It's when we lose sight of the moment and look too far forward that we lose our strength.  Because strength is built in the trenches.  In the daily use of the muscles that build them up.  The strength of perseverance comes through persevering. 

Today I'm just admitting my weakness.  I'm just human and I just have hope in the one who knows every single cell in my body.  Even the broken cancer ridden cells.  And I will cling to the hope of knowing He holds my future.  

Corinthians 12:9(ESV) But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

The "C" Word

2 Corinthians 1:4 (ESV) who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

When I was growing up the "C" word to me meant death.  It instilled fear and loss.  If I heard someone say they had the "C" word I just knew they would be dead in no time. I even determined at some point if the "C" word was mentioned in relation to surgery then the surgery would somehow make the "C" word become rampantly out of control and only speed up death.  You see the first people in my life associated with the "C" word all died. 

I was in elementary school when my grandmother was diagnosed with the "C" word - that's cancer for those who were wondering.  She had lung cancer and I honestly don't remember much but that when she died there was a tree in the front yard that had been cut down and had left a smoldering stump.  For some reason I remember someone saying that before it burned all the way out someone else would die.  If my memory is semi correct (my memory sucks most of the time) a great uncle had cancer and passed as well.  I was still in elementary school when my grandfathers were diagnosed with the "C" word and both ultimately passed from it.  Then my aunt was diagnosed and she passed away as well. 

So much loss related to the "C" word.  By the time my mom was diagnosed the first time with breast cancer I was afraid but had known people who managed to beat cancer.  I didn't want to lose my mom to the "C" word and even though they were confident it would be treatable there was still fear involved.  She has now beaten cancer three times.  My sister is also a survivor. 

When I married my husband I acquired some new friends.  One I prayed for often for a variety of struggles.  The biggest being breast cancer.  In the last two or more years she has fought a strong battle against the "C" word. My heart was burdened to pray for her as she fought her own personal demons and the deadly "C" word.  Her fight has been a hard one and she still is fighting today.  She is Greta Painter.  An amazing artist and beautiful soul.  She is a mother, a survivor and a kick ass fighter.  I have admired  her strength and the very first time I got to hug her neck it was all I could do not to sob uncontrollably.  She amazes me. 

Greta Painter - artist

For years I have said that it wasn't a matter of getting cancer, with my family history I figured it was just  a matter of what kind and when.  My first brush with cancer was before my kids were born.  I had my annual check up and the doctor called to say my results were abnormal.  More tests, a biopsy and eventual procedure later took care of the precancerous cervix cells.  A couple of minor procedures with moles that were suspicious and would like lead to cancer came next.  The year after my divorce I had my first breast biopsy.  I was prepared to go to any lengths to make sure I survived to raise my kids.

This month I had my second biopsy in my other breast.  This time I get to fight the "C" word.  The funny thing is I'm not afraid of the cancer.  I had a plan before it ever occurred and I have doctors who are willing to make it happen.  I will have a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction.  Thankfully the indications are that surgery will be all I need. 

For me the struggle with cancer is my concern for those who have to help me.  I don't do well as the helpee.  I prefer to be the helper.  The financial burdens and the fact that I have to take off from work to actually take care of me.  I have to say that it's almost a relief to finally know which cancer and what my fight will be. 

There are no guarantees in life and every struggle and fight is different.  I pray you will never have to fear the dreaded "C" word but I pray if you do that you have the support of the most important person.  My God knew when and what I would fight.  He set some things in place to make this the perfect time and location for me to fight.  He knew where and when it needed to take place.  I know that beyond anything else He will be right beside me holding me and carrying me through the process. 

I am blessed to have family and friends who are already lifting me in prayer.  We all face struggles and you need a tribe to face them.  Remember to always seek out a solid strong support group.  I wish I could fully understand why one fight seems simpler than another.  I can't comprehend the fight my friend Greta is fighting.  My fight seems very minor compared to the one she is on but I know each of us is unique and God uses every part of our lives to shape us and to allow us to touch others.  I know Greta is touching lives.  Pray with me for all of those fighting and the families who fight with them.

My heart is that as I walk this new journey I will have an even better ability to show compassion to others who walk this way.  I believe God has given me so many different blessed struggles that help me comfort someone else who walks through them. Sometimes the blessing is just being able to learn and share what we learn. 

Proverbs 27:17 "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."