Attitude Adjustment

Romans 12:2 ESV Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Recently I had to give myself an attitude adjustment. Sometimes I let this world influence my thoughts and actions and I have to seriously adjust what is going on inside my head. This verse is how I adjusted my mental status. I had to capture the negative thoughts and replace them with something that is beyond this world and all of its chaos. 

For some reason I have always struggled with the holiday seasons. It's not that I don't love holidays and celebrations but for some reason it always seems to amplify my ongoing struggle with feeling a part. A part of the groups that I am associated with and even a part of my family. Even when I'm with the people that I love I still feel somehow separate and on the outside looking in. 

This year was no different and I found myself getting angry and jealous of those around me. It was busy this year for Christmas and maybe the rush of a wedding and anticipating new babies and the missing of those who were lost this year or just not present made it seem more intensely lonely than the last few years. I'm really not sure what the difference was and maybe it was just a little anxiety and depression that was affecting my mental status. 

What I found was that I sometimes get caught up in the doing the things that I do, reading my bible, working, spending time with family and I forget to just listen and feel. You see there is only one thing that I can depend on to be there and to always just remind me of what is important and that is my God. I took a walk, and I asked Him to adjust my attitude. He reminded me that part of what I struggle with is the reality that this world is not my home. My heart longs for His presence and when I forget to keep my eyes on eternity and let the distractions of this world and the longings for more here on this earth get me discontent then I get angry and jealous. I want what others have, or I think that this world will somehow fill that void and that is not how it works. 

When you know Jesus as Savior and your heart seeks to fill that hole that only He fills with other things then your heart gets lost a bit. My heart got a little lost this year and I had to recenter myself on Him. He calms my anxious and jealous thoughts. He transforms my heart to have a better attitude about this world. To remember that my one job here is to better reflect Him so others will want to find Him and love Him so that they can live for eternity in His presence. I'm not here to be perfect or to have all the things that this world offers. I'm just here for Him to do His work and to be a living sacrifice for Him. 

Romans 12:1 ESV I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

I pray that if you feel anxious, afraid, jealous, angry, or just plain lost that you will take the time to seek the one who created you and loves you just as you are. I pray you will find your identity in Him and cling to the promises that are in His word. He has great plans for you.

Emptied to Submit

 

The word empty has echoed in my mind these last few weeks. Why, you may ask? My son moved into his first apartment. In my mind I know that is what is supposed to happen. Kids are supposed to grow up and move away and start families of their own. Moms know this and we pray that they will, but when they do our hearts take a huge hit. The now empty rooms in our houses echo with a loud empty and fear for them gets bigger. You see we no longer know when they come and go or where they come and go. We don't know what they choose to believe or how they choose to act. They are no longer under our control. For a control freak like me that is a big thing. So today I'm sharing my heart and word for the new year. Because I submitted my kids to God a long time ago and I taught them about Jesus and what it means to walk with Him so now all I can do is pray. Pray that they are safe and that their hearts seek the truth that they were taught. Not just what I taught them but what they allow God and Holy Spirit to work out in their lives. Prayer is the only way to make the empty less loud and the fear less big. 

I struggled with that word empty as my word for the year because it seemed so negative. But then yesterday the word submission was added to the word empty. At first, they seemed like opposites until God reminded me that I can't submit to His plan until I empty myself of the pride, control, struggle and worry that is filling up the empty spaces. I must be willing to lay all my empty at the feet of Jesus so He can fill it with Holy Spirit and the plans He wants me to fulfill for Him. I just finished reading a book on the Holy Spirit and it reminded me that I must submit my will and empty myself in order to make room for Him. 

There is a beautiful story in the bible in 1 Kings 17 about Elijah. He is running and hiding because he just announced no rain on the lands. God took him to a widow woman who was on the verge of running out of food. Her jars were empty. Elijah asked for food and when she told him she was about to make her last meal for her, and her son Elijah told her to make him food first and God would fill her jar of oil and flour until the rain came again. She willingly emptied her jars and submitted to the request and watched as God filled them over and over again. Eventually she was even blessed with the resurrection of her son. How wonderful is our God who fills our empty spaces. 

In Galatians 5:22-26 (ESV) the bible says "²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. ²⁴ And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵ If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. ²⁶ Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another." Right before these verses there is a list of things we should not have in our lives. We have to empty ourselves of the worldliness in order to make space for the Holy Spirit. When we make space for Him, His power allows to produce these fruits of His. I can't do any of these in my own strength. Only through the power of Holy Spirit can I be a reflection of Christ and exhibit these beautiful fruits. 

So, my challenge for the year is to let the loud noise of my empty house echo with my submission to the Father. Opening my emptiness for Him to fill with the worshipful song of His presence. Oh, I'm sure I will have daily struggles of control, but I pray that this year will be a year of emptying all that keeps me from fully living in the power of the Holy Spirit. James 4:7 will be my verse for the year "⁷ Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." This world presses in on me with all the negativity that makes the empty noise loud. The only way to overcome that is to be like the little vase and praying figurine in my picture, submitting my heart to the Savior so I can be filled. 

Happy New Year Everyone! Take the time to seek what God wants for you this year. If you read this blog know that I love you and pray for you.

When You Finally Fit

Jeremiah 29:11  "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Today is Labor Day. A day that we celebrate the work that we do by taking a day of rest. Sometimes work is a struggle and sometimes it is a joy. In my life I have experienced a variety of thoughts about work and what I am meant to do. Most times I felt slightly out of place but competent, never feeling like I was quite a part of the whole and not really knowing if a particular position was truly a part of the purpose God had for my life. 

In many areas of life I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Growing up on the move as part of a military family can have that affect. You get used to always moving and going so you never allow for the connections to be permanent. I have struggled more with connection than any other thing in my life, short of control and sadly they go hand in hand. If I don't feel connected then I want to feel in control so I constantly strive to be the best at whatever I am doing and sometimes that makes me competitive. 

The last few years have shifted my perspective on work and fitting in. I am clinging now to this verse,  John 15:19, "If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you." Now don't get me wrong, you have to read the rest of the chapter to truly understand. Jesus is calling us to love all people regardless but to remember that the rulers of the time hated Him and sought to kill Him. Why? Because He was teaching people to love without borders and boundaries and to let go of the rules that were not a part of His plan for the church.

In today's culture Christians have not lived up to their name of being little Christs. I can't point a finger without four of mine pointing back at me. I have lived at times as if I knew all the answers and my way was the only way to follow Christ, but God. He has shown me so much about what a broken sinner I am. I am not perfect, I am not in control and I have no clue how to live this life without Him. He is the reason I am even alive. He is the reason that every day I get up trying to be more like Him than like the world. I don't feel a part of this world, not because I don't fit anymore but because I long for heaven and the perfect place it will be when we are with Him all the time. 

I recently achieved a major goal, I sat for my licensing exam and passed to be called an LMSW, Licensed Mastered Social Worker. Many times over the past years I thought that would never happen but my wonderful encouraging, friend and husband pushed me to step out of my box. It took me a long time to fulfill this goal and what I long ago felt was God's call on my life. So often we think that if God calls us to do something it will immediately come to pass. But what I've learned is sometimes it takes a lifetime. Why? Because he needs to burnish our rough edges so we are better able to fit in the slot where He wants us to be, more like Him and less worried about the status or level of our accomplishments. I couldn't have achieved any of this without God. The two years of school and study were emotionally and mentally exhausting thanks to a variety of challenges. 

For the first time in a long time I truly feel I am in the right place. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally. Oh, I still have a lot of work to do to become like Christ but I see some things so much more clearly and I have a deep appreciation for the new job I have just started. I am using that license and degree to help families. And even more blessed, I am doing it with a team that is truly awe inspiring in their abilities and their heart for God. 

Oh what joy it is to wake up at 5:15 am and know that I am going to a job that is fun but busy and actually work. Sounds crazy, right? But for the first time in a very long time I fill like I fit where God placed me. All of the other positions were building blocks to get me to this place. A place where I can appreciate the job I have been given and strive to do what God wants me to do. I haven't always seen my jobs as a work for God and that is something I regret. He was always watching and I wonder if I didn't fit because I didn't try to do it His way but my way. Colossians 3:23-24 says, "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ." 

So for today I'm going to rest in the Lord, knowing that life is not supposed to be easy if we are striving to be like Him, but it is supposed to be joyful. Even during the hard times we can cling to His joy and peace. Knowing that His plan is for a future and hope. HAPPY LABOR DAY!  

Double Nickels for the Finish

 "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6 ESV

When I was growing up we lived on the east coast and had to travel a great distance to see family. In those days the speed limit was fifty five and I vividly remember the sounds of the truckers on the CB radio talking about doing "double nickels" as the speed limit. So on Monday, August 9, I turned double nickels and finished the last module to complete my graduate degree with Louisiana State University in Social Work. Thirty three years earlier I completed my Bachelor's degree in Social Work at Louisiana College by the skin of my teeth and I was glad to be done. Thirty one years ago I was accepted to go to Seminary in Fort Worth and decided I really wasn't ready to go back to school yet so I waited. 

 

The waiting seemed to go on forever. I waited for so many reasons and many times I thought I would never go back and get the Master's degree that I wanted. Then January of 2020 I started school again. This time it was much easier to stay focused and complete the work. I graduated with a 4.112 GPA which was something I never accomplished in high school or college. To say I am proud of what I accomplished would be an understatement. To me it is truly a miracle. My brain isn't as quick as it used to be so I worked hard and stayed disciplined, something I never could have done before now. I survived the pandemic, two hurricanes, a freeze, a flood, losing my job, starting a new one, two weddings and a whole slew of anxiety and chaos to finish the goal that started so long ago. My God is the only reason that I was able to maintain my sanity and finish the task during this time. He sustained me in ways that I can't even explain. 

God always knew the plan. I had no clue. He picked the right time when He knew I would need to be able to focus on something other than the chaos that was surrounding me. He sent me an amazing husband who encouraged me and family and friends who prayed and supported me. God is the reason I finished and the reason I did so well. If left to my own devices then I probably would have never started and fear would have won. 

Never give up on your dreams. I don't know where God will use this new degree and my next step is to get licensed but I know this - God's time and plan are never the same as mine. I just have to rest in Him and seek to know Him better every day. For now I am finished with school. Studying for the test and moving in His plan will continue as I trust the plan He has for me. 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

The Blog I Don't Want to Write

I have put off this blog for months. I wanted to write it back in August but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to the words. It has bubbled and churned and driven me crazy for the last four months and I really still don't want to write it but I have to get the words out of my head. They keep me up at night and then make my emotions all crazy. 

You see this is about 2020. The year that was supposed to scream about unity and connection, the word I chose for 2020. It was supposed to be about closer relationships and a clearer vision of where God wanted me to be used. But God. He had a plan I couldn't possibly imagine. He wanted to shake up my world even more. He wanted me to dig deep inside myself and connect in a different way than I had planned. He has pushed me to look at my connection to Him and how that spills onto other people. 

This year has been so full of so much stuff. Ugly stuff, good stuff, fun stuff, and scary stuff. I have struggled emotionally and with a lot fear and grief. Which of course is why I chose to take a Grief and Bereavement class as an elective in my last module. So this year brought weddings, family health struggles, physically and mentally, losses of jobs and freedoms as well as some legal battles and of course the virus and hurricanes. It was chock full of making time for family even when the fear of the virus overwhelmed. Because one thing that I realized in this year is that I can't make it without my family. I can live without the outside connections that have been ravaged this year but my family keeps me sane. They are the ones who let me cry and fuss and vent without fear of repercussions. They still love me when I ugly cry or take out my frustrations on them instead of processing them appropriately. 

So on to the deep soul searching. 2020 has taught me some hard truths about myself. I require discipline to function. Scheduled time and consistency help me stay focused. When I have too much free time my mind gets to be a very dark place. So I learned that early morning yoga and setting time for my school work was essential. 

One of the hardest things I learned is that when I look too deeply at what is going on with others and compare that to my circumstances I can become an ugly person. When I let the ugly of the world too deeply in my head then it spills out in how I react and treat people. This year what I took for confidence and wisdom, someone else saw as arrogance and condescension. That hurt my heart in ways I can't even begin to describe. But I realized that I had become tired. Tired of being taken advantage of and treated differently than others and I let that come through in negative behavior. I learned that I have to remember that just because I think something is right and good others may not.

I also learned the importance of truly being able to self analyze. If you can't look at your own self deep inside and see what is broken or struggling and seek to mend it then you can't love. You can't share the deep love that you may have for others if all the ugly, negative stuff you carry inside spills out everywhere you go. And trust me that the negative in you will spill out if you don't appropriately deal with it.

So in January I will start my second internship. My first had to be online due to the virus and the hurricanes. I was looking forward to being able to work and do my internship but I ended up jobless with my internship online instead of hands on. It was a challenge to say the least. Forty hours a week online trying to keep my head on straight and still do the other class work that was required. So prayerfully I will do the second one actually in the field and to be honest I'm a bit scared. I'll be working with actual people again and some days I don't think I do people well anymore. I question my abilities and skills and the whole purpose of this degree. Why? Because of comments made by one person that I let in my head. 

Another thing I learned is that when your hormones are jacked up by drugs you may not recognize who you see in the mirror. The inability and lack of desire to stay on a regular fitness schedule added to the pushed menopause from the tamoxifen really sucks. I have struggled with trying to stay healthy and emotionally stable. These are not easy when the drugs you are taking create havoc with your system. 

So here I am writing the blog I didn't want to write and spilling out all my hurt. I've felt like a failure as a mother, a wife, a student, an employee and a friend this year and I'm tired. But God. He led me to read Luke starting December first and what a joy to see the light that Jesus brought to our world. God loved us enough to send His Son, His Son loved us enough that He met the hurting, broken and overlooked right where they were and gave them hope for change. His Son sent Holy Spirit to empower us to love and be like Jesus. That is amazing. Many days I forget that I have Holy Spirit power to make it through the hard times but then some little something small reminds me of what I have to be thankful for. 

I am so thankful for my family and for the Joy that I have knowing that God came to earth as a man for me. He died for me. He lived for me. He welcomes me and someday I will sit at his feet for eternity. This is not my home and all the heartache and fear and failure is just a step on the way to where I will spend my eternity. My deepest heartache and prayer is that my family, my friends and those in my circle will be there too.

In Luke chapter 8 Jesus says "No one after lighting a lamp covers it with a jar or puts it under a bed, but puts it on a stand so that those who enter may see the light. For nothing is hidden  that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light (Luke 8:16-17, ESV). I haven't felt much like a light this year. I've felt very dark. So as I move into 2021 I am hoping that I will be able to find the light inside that the Holy Spirit gives and share it with those who need help finding their way out of the dark. 

In my house I have two nativity sets. One is part of a collection started years ago, the other is one that is allowed to be played with. It is my favorite. It is for the children. The story of love come to earth that can be touched and held. I pray that this Christmas if you have struggled in any way you will come with me to the manger and hold the baby Jesus and remember that He came for you just like He did for me. 

Mom-Atude

This reference for this verse is posted on my side in permanent ink: Psalm 139:13. A tattoo I got a few years back with my kids. "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb."  It is a permanent reminder that before any of us actually make it to this world the God who made the heavens and earth held us first. He saw us, He formed us, He knit us together in our mother's womb.

WOW! That is so reassuring to me as a mom. When my daughter died before she was born I was comforted to know that even there God was present. When my first child was three weeks late and had to be cut from my womb God was there. When my third child was formed with a curve in his spine and a kidney that malfunctioned, God was there. He knew before they were a twinkle in my eye exactly what and who they would become. 

He knew who I would become. He knew what kind of mother I would be before I was ever even thinking about being a mother. God knew.

There are things they don't tell you about being a mom. The sensationalism of being a mom that is often seen in the world through movies, TV, and social media makes being pregnant, delivering and being a mom look beautiful and easy. I would dare to say that is a lie straight from hell. Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs ever. Becoming a mom can be even harder. 

In this world we make being a mother something that all women should strive to be. And yet what if you just to want to be a mom. Or if you can't be a mom. If you are single. Being and becoming a mom should not be the end all be all of womanhood. 

As women we should be striving to be so much more than a mom. I'm not saying being a mom isn't a high calling but so often we put that on ourselves to fill a void that we don't even know we have. We see and smell cute babies and think that being a mom will provide us with someone to love us unconditionally and to always be there and to be what we weren't and to make us feel needed. 

And then that baby grows. And they don't tell you that every change, every struggle that your child faces will make you question everything you ever learned about love. You will wonder how you could love someone so much even when you may not like them or the choices they make. You will wonder how your heart can break over the littlest things over and over again. You will wonder how badly you messed up and how will your child ever reach adulthood. You will wonder what you could have done differently and what you could have done more or better. You will question with your whole heart if you did enough to help them become the best person they can be. 

Today I know of women who desperately want to be moms. Women who have lost their moms. Women who have lost their children. Women who aren't married and don't know if they want or will every have kids. Women who don't think they are doing a very good job at this mom thing. Women who are so caught up in being a mom that they forgot who they were. 

To all of you women in the world today. Whatever your situation I say Happy Mother's Day. Because it's just a day and being a mom isn't all you are called to be. 

God knew - He knew you before you were fully formed. Let Him fill the voids that you have and remember that there is no perfect mom or person. Just a bunch of women doing the best we can with the life that our God formed us to be. 

Love to all.

Photo Credit - Alana Mae Photography

Crying is Cathartic

Psalm 30:5 (ESV) For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime.Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Sometimes you just need a good cry. Something about pouring out your frustration, anger or sorrow can just renew your mind and spirit. Today is that day. This has been a weird time for me emotionally. In January I started grad school knowing that shortly thereafter I would be watching my baby girl get married. A permanent move from being my baby to being a wife. A separate family from her family of origin. It was a lot. Then I was anticipating the graduation of my baby boy. A young man who has taken great strides in his growth and maturity. A young man who struggled with ADD in school and managed college without any medication. Held down a job while he worked hard to do well and sculpt cool pieces of art. Then we all got hit with this craziness we are all currently living, COVID 19. 

Photo by Alana Mae Photography

Grief comes in many forms and can sneak up on you when you least expect. We grieve the things that aren't what we were expecting or the things that break our hearts. The loss, hurts, family discord, or just the normal routine and life that we prefer. I knew that the beginnings and endings with my kids would be hard but I thought I would be able to hold them and dye eggs at Easter, or plan to celebrate graduation with a big family event. To visit with them and love on them even as we faced the transitions. But this crazy virus changed all of that. Instead I have been uprooted in my routine. I can't just choose to go see them on a weekend or see my parents or siblings. I can't just go run to the store to get flowers to put on a grave. All the things I thought I would be doing uprooted and blew up with one word - quarantine. 

My husband and I are considered essential. Although I have worked some from home and some from my office he has spent every day going in to work. It has been a little scary and yet we both are committed to caring for other people. We just keep doing what we do and pray that our God will keep us safe. The quarantine hasn't been that hard for us in the grand scheme of things. We don't do a lot anyway but its knowing that I can't just get in my car and go north that is causing me grief. 

 I miss my people. I want to go see my family and yet I don't want to bring any potential illness. I want normal. I want my routine back and I want to be able to just go to the store or a restaurant and not feel like I need a mask or gloves to be safe. I want gas prices to go back up so our economy doesn't bottom out. 

Today my Sarah would be 23. You would think by now the grief would be gone and yet its not. Some years it isn't as raw or hurtful, but this year because of all the lack of normal it seems to be a bit overwhelming. I wouldn't trade the babies I had for anything but some days I wouldn't mind for my Lord to just take us all home so we aren't separated anymore. I would love to walk down the paved streets with Jesus and my family. All of them. To be in the presence of Jesus and my people is truly what heaven will be for me. I can't imagine anything better. 

For today though, I'm just gonna cry. I'm gonna let the hurt and frustration of changed lives and changed plans wash out through my eyes. I'm gonna trust that my God who supplies all my needs will just give me His peace for today. And then I'm gonna do homework because well I kind of like that A average I've got going in grad school. That too has been impacted by the virus. Where I should be starting my internship in May it will now be in August. But I know my God was aware of all of this and He is going to keep walking with me daily when I seek Him.

So to anyone out there missing your family or friends or normal know that there is a God who wipes our tears and promises someday we will never weep again. 

 Revelation 21:4 (ESV) He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”