Lately God has really been hammering my heart about this whole issue of comparison and feelings of inadequacy. It's funny even how often I've read a blog or heard someone speak about how we so often get caught up in this world of comparison.
I don't know really where or when but I remember as far back as elementary school and junior high reading the book "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret" and how often I compared myself to those around me. And somehow in my mind I never seemed to measure up.
I wasn't tall enough, skinny enough, smart enough, fast enough, whatever enough. I didn't think I could sing as well a someone else or I didn't think I was as pretty as someone else. Not as spiritual or didn't pray enough or right. I was a tomboy who was very shy and that just complicated the issue because I was always in my own head (as I've said before - a very scary place at times).
Over time these not enoughs led me to a place of just wanting to be seen. Noticed, accepted and loved as enough. I just wanted to be enough to not keep comparing myself and seeming to be on the short end of the stick. Even though I knew I was loved and had friends and family I still felt the need to compare myself to what I saw in other people. There was always someone who seemed better.
As I was able to rationalize that this was all in my head I got better at letting it go and yet in the back of my mind it was always there. Comparing my mothering skills to someone else's. Or my situation or whatever. With all of this I have a very competitive nature which pretty much meant that I always had a measuring stick even when I thought I didn't.
Recently I was hit with a life situation that triggered some serious not enough thoughts. Things that I thought I was past and had actually dealt with and moved on from. I felt like all those past not enoughs rushed up and hit me in the face. I was really struggling to find my worth and value. Life has a way of doing that doesn't it. Sneaking up and slapping us right at the weakest moment when all the lifey things are happening at once. The comparing myself to others - those with money, or sex appeal, or magazine pictures and pretty facades that really aren't truth - nearly took me under.
But then God. I was sitting in worship two Sundays ago and it was as if God reached down and smacked me on the back of the head. With God, I AM ENOUGH!!. He created me just the way I am and He loved me before I was even conceived. So much so that He sent His only Son to die for me. He reminded me of the verse in Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."
There is a song out right now by Cory Asbury, called Reckless Love. It is a powerful reminder that God chases us down even when we are wallowing in our darkest thoughts. This phrase really strikes to the heart of my comparison lies. "There is no wall you won't kick down, lie you won't tear down -coming after me". God is the light that tears down the lies. His word is what pulls me from the depths of comparison and reminds me that I really don't want to be like the world I compare myself to.
What freedom comes from God. He tears down all the lies of the enemy and the lies that I've fed myself for so many years. In God I am enough. He makes me more than enough.
