If You Know Me

So on Friday I was in the car headed out of town and curiosity got the better of me. I decided to post something on Facebook that I had seen on other people's pages. It looked like this on my page:

"Car ride on the way to see the oldies and my college dude. Help me pass the time. 😃

Anyone who knows me knows I love ________"

So I was wondering. What do I love?  What do people who know me think I love? And what do I think people think I love?

The results were fairly accurate but as I dwelt on those questions my heart was a bit broken. As a believer in the world today we are under constant scrutiny. People watch to see if we are judgmental or holier than, in our words and actions. We live in a world where believing in God and what He says in His word is often seen as politically incorrect.

As a believer in God I really shouldn't be concerned about what people think except for one thing. People should see that the one thing I love most is Jesus. And then second to that should be people. It's what we are commanded to do.

“And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets."”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭22:37-40‬ ‭ESV‬‬

That's it. When people wonder what I love it should just be Jesus. I shouldn't care what they think about me other than if they see His love as the greatest thing reflected in my life. His love should be reflected in my love for my family, friends and the stranger on the street. I wish I could say that was the first and only response to my Facebook question but it was the 7th of 7. The others were all about my love for family and friends which is a good thing but man it should all be about Him.

Along that same line the verses I put in the beginning picture are a reminder that I don't need a pat on the back either. I just need to love Him so much that I become more and more like Him and my actions look like His - like love. The kind of love that overwhelms people. So that the only pat on the back I desire is to someday bow in His presence and know I devoted all of me to His kingdom.  He wants our devotion and for us to devote all of our things, people, relationships,  and work to Him. Because when we lay our lives and all we have at His feet we know we can trust Him to take care of all of it. And one day we will be able to stand in His presence and hear Him say - well done. That's the only recognition I crave - For my Father in heaven to be proud that I loved like Him.

Defined

So lately I have been trying to find my definition. You know - the one that you use to manage your life.  

Mom - daughter - wife - friend - employee - teacher - those words you use to define yourself. 

Over time our definitions in life change. Who we are and where we fit is often fluid. We move from one season of life to another sometimes easily and sometimes kicking and screaming. 

My definitions all seemed to shift at once and so today I'm trying to define where I am and who I am and who I want to be. 

I am a wife after not being one for a while and that is my favorite but is still new.  Although I'm still a mom that definition has shifted because my mom job has shifted to overseer more than the hands on mothering of the last 20 plus years. 

It's different taking on all the change at once and some days it is still overwhelming. The days when I feel a bit adrift I have to remember one thing. 

One definition that never changes in my life is Child of the King. As a believer I know that no matter what else defines me and how far I may wander away my God is still my Father and He still calls me child. That is the most important definition I can have and that's the one I cling to. 

“And call no man your father on earth, for you have one Father, who is in heaven.”

Matthew 23:9 ESV

Stormy Weather

As I head home from dropping off my son to start his college career this is what I see. We are about to drive into some stormy weather. That's exactly how my heart and life has felt for the last few months. 

I feel like I've been on a massive emotional roller coaster. From graduation, to getting married, to moving and starting over in a new job and new town to leaving both my babies three hours from my house. Ups and downs and so much fear and feeling out of control. 

There was a time in my life where I loved riding roller coasters.  The thrill of going up and down and unexpected twists and turns created exhilaration and excitement. Somewhere in life the many struggles and changes made roller coasters seem fearful. The unknown and lack of control send me spiraling to a dark place. One where I desperately try to figure things out on my own and make things work in a safe environment. 

But life...

But God...

When the things of life spiral I have to remember that for every but life the lack of control throws at me there is the but God. Because God is greater than all the other. He has proven that if it wasn't for His Presence in my life I would have died many deaths a long time ago and would likely be a bitter and angry person. 

But God reminds me of His resurrection power and when I humble myself before Him then He will walk the unknowns with me because He has already been there and knows where on the map I am. He knows what the next steps are and how I will find my new place and purpose in life. 

Outside my office window is a building that is neglected. In the gutters there are ferns that somehow grow down from nothing.  Most of the time they look brown and dead. But then God sends the rain. And with just a touch of moisture they turn green and grow.  Just as quickly they turn brown and shrivel up again. 

What a vivid reminder that when my heart breaks or feels overwhelmed and dead it only takes a drink of the living water that God offers from a relationship with Him and we can be renewed and restored. I just have to keep my face in the water that restores my soul. 

“but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."” John 4:14 ESV

Which Voice

I've always heard there are many voices vying for your attention and trying to give you wisdom or advice. Some are urgent and seem to really strive to attract your focus while others are quiet and in their silence speak volumes. 

Lately I've struggled with voices. The voice in my mind that represents all my insecurities and the voice that I recognize as truth. It's been said that satan is the father of lies and his voice is persistent. While the voice of God is often a quiet whisper in our hearts and ears. 

I started a lot of new in the last few weeks and one of the big things was a new job. Any time you start something new there is a learning curve. Things they may seem simple or easy in the past may not be in a new environment or where there are slight differences in the way something is done. 

Add to the newness a separate desire to please people and do the best to impress and very quickly the voices in my mind can get very skewed. I've always said my expectations of myself and my own self talk can be some of the scariest things I face. My new job is proving that true. I'm striving to not allow the voices in my head that say I can't, or it's too hard to rule my thoughts. When I take my focus off the one thing I should be about - pleasing God and not people - I start to fall under the weight of the voices and feel like I don't measure up. 

I let the job and the fact that I've only been doing it a couple of weeks so I'm  not perfect define who and where my worth is. That's so dumb and yet for the past couple of weeks I have been fighting my own mind. Imagining what other people might be thinking instead of acknowledging that I just haven't been there long enough to really figure it out. 

Of course as God so often does He opened my eyes a little wider this morning with our Connection Class lesson in 1 Samuel. It was about where David had the opportunity - the open door if you will - and yet He chose not to take the perfect chance to kill Saul - his enemy. Instead, he listened to the still small voice of the Father. The voice that said just trust me and my plan and just like that He kept seeking God and eventually God took care of Saul in His time and His way so David didn't have to shed the blood of the king. 

How often do we walk through the door ahead of God and end up in a situation or with a choice where the consequences were much worse when if we had waited on God things might have worked out differently. Therein is often my struggle. As I've said before I'm a fixer and just like that God reminded me today that I'm not God - I can't fix everything. I'm not perfect and I have to constantly be in His presence or else the other voices can so easily drown His out. 

His voice is the voice of the shepherd and if I'm not seeking the relationship with Him built in intimacy then my voice or the voices of my past are too loud and overwhelm me. 

I don't know if you struggle with voices from the world, or your past, or your own negative self talk but satan is quick to try to use those to come at you fast and hard so you can't hear the calming voice of the Father. So seek His face so you can recognize the voice of the one who chose you and frees you and seeks to remind you that you are worthy. Just as you are - you are flawless and beautiful to the one who made you. 

This job won't defeat me and in time I pray it will be all that I know it can and I will be able to be all they need. Until I learn it though I will listen to the Father and not my negative thoughts. 

Starting Over with New Beginnings

Sitting here watching a birthday cake cook and pondering how I got to be almost fifty and I'm in a season of new things. I always thought when you turned fifty you would be old and settled and secure. However, that was not the life that I was dealt. 

I remember thinking as the child of a marine moving from place to place that when I was grown I would feel so secure in a home where I never moved. I wanted my kids to grow up in a neighborhood where they could say they had friends for life. To me that seemed to speak of security. 

Friday, I started a new job, in a new house, in a new city with a new husband and on Tuesday, I turn fifty. In my youthful days I would say that was old but today I consider it a new beginning. The beginning of something new and exciting. A time to learn and grow and experience something new. 

I found security isn't in stuff, houses, cities, or lifelong friends. Security only comes from God. When I seek His face every day I find my worth and value and my security. 

His plan for my life included a life of brokenness and transition. A life of new beginnings and friends and acquaintances scattered around the globe bonded together by faith. There area handful of those people I could call at the drop of a hat and they would come or call or help. Some have fallen along the way but still had an impact on my journey. I'm thankful for the almost fifty years of life experiences, changes and the times that required starting over and for the many people I've encountered along the way. 

My security lies in the one who died to give it to me. If you feel lost or broken rest in the one who secures all things. He alone is the rock. 

“And you will feel secure, because there is hope; you will look around and take your rest in security.” Job 11:18 ESV

Just One Day

This past week has been full of questions. Details about this day. My wedding day. I've fielded each one with some guidelines but a somewhat nonchalant attitude. Why?  Because it's just one day. 

As I woke up this morning to the sound of thunder knowing the wedding is outside I was reminded again that this is just one day. I wanted to arrive at this day with little to no expectations because I didn't want to be caught up in worry and stress or disappointment. I simply want today to be the beginning. 

The beginning of a lifetime. And not all moments will be sunshine and roses. Some will be rain clouds and thunder. I don't want to live my life based on other people's expectations or my expectations because that will always lead to disappointments. 

Today I marry the man of my dreams. Whether we start our life together on a hillside covered with sunshine or in a barn with friends and family doesn't matter. Because it's just one day that marks the start of what's more important. 

Our marriage will be marked with many days. Some good and some bad but each one a piece of a lifetime. How we deal with the bad will help shape the good. Last night I watched my kids laugh and dance in the rain and there was lots of laughter. That's what I always hope to have. Laughter in the rain. 

So if it rains on this one day that I get married it's all okay. Because just as God takes the broken pieces of our lives and weaves them into a beautiful tapestry of grace so He will take one rainy wedding day and weave it into a lifetime of love and joy. 

“But the righteous shall be glad; they shall exult before God; they shall be jubilant with joy!” Psalms 68:3 ESV

All For Good

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 ESV

I believe marriage should be forever. It should be two people striving to help each other be the best they can be. I believe God ordained marriage as an example of the covenant He wants with us as His children. 

The reality is no matter how much we want to believe this should be forever and be happily ever after and all the fairy tale things, we are imperfect broken people. That means we sometimes face struggles and sometimes the relationship we thought was so right just doesn't work out. For whatever reason sometimes marriages end. Because we are human we alone can't just make something work just because we want it to. 

We choose however, how we allow that ending to affect us and those we have relationships with. We choose whether it's just a transition or a huge negative that makes us bitter, ugly people. 

I say with my whole heart that I have no regrets about my first marriage. Out of it I learned so much about myself and how I function in relationships. I learned that marriage is hard and you have to work every day to make it work. I gained some amazing things through my marriage. 

A friend for life. 

Two beautiful kids of my own and one amazing one from him. 

A whole additional family that I love dearly. 

Amazing insight into myself. 

I can't say that the ending was easy but as time has passed I can honestly say my first marriage was a blessing and I wouldn't change a thing. My prayer now is that my second marriage would be built on the foundations learned from the first one. I know God has to be in the center of the relationship. 

I grew up in church where divorce was looked on as the worst possible thing. And I'm not saying that it is a good thing but because we are human we are going to have struggles and sometimes things end. I think as believers what we need to learn is that regardless of whether we divorce or remarry or stay single we just have to remember that God is enough. We have to stop judging one another because we handle our struggles differently.  If we chose to love and accept each other maybe we would be in a better place. 

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:18 ESV

So as I move to the next step I know God is making all things good. He takes all our struggles and works them for His good if we let Him. Just a few more days and I will start the next step of His plan. My prayer is that I will allow every previous struggle to lead me to the place closer to His heart so God can continue to reveal Himself and make me more like Him.