I'm Disappointed in You

⁴³ “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor^[i] and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. ⁴⁶ If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? ⁴⁷ And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? ⁴⁸ Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.  Matthew 5:43-48, NIV

I'm Disappointed in You - those words used to make up all that I strived to avoid.  I wanted to do everything in my power to not disappoint anyone.  That led me to a struggle with perfectionism.  Mistakes were not my friend and even today if I make a mistake I can beat myself to a bloody pulp without even thinking twice.  My self talk when I mess up can be overwhelmingly damning.  It requires a lot of praying and seeking God to let go of even minor flaws.  That perfectionist tendency led to a large amount of people pleasing.  I didn't want people to be upset and especially not with me.  Wondering constantly what people thought about me and what I looked like or what I said or what I did created a very large struggle to do more and be more than was humanly possible. 

Over time this affected everything in my life and caused fear of doing anything.  I didn't want to disappoint so I just didn't do or say what was really on my mind or do the things I might actually want to out of fear what someone might think or say. 

I Don't Care - is another phrase that comes out of this reflection of perfectionism.  It is the other extreme however.  Trying to not be a perfect people pleaser (try saying that multiple times really fast) can lead to the other extreme of just looking out for me and doing what I want, when I want, how I want and who cares who it hurts or affects. 

As believers I think there has to be a balance.  It really is impossible for me to be perfect.  I'm not the perfect mom or the perfect daughter or the perfect girlfriend or the perfect friend.  I'm just me and as a believer I should be just trying to live as best I can with the Holy Spirit guiding my steps.  Seeking after the things of His heart and letting that flow out of me.  But I also can't live my life as if I don't care what anyone else thinks about me.  Although I can't be perfect I need to be Christ like and I need to make my decisions with the Bible and the Holy Spirit as my guide.  That might mean that I choose not to do or say something because it may not reflect Christ well or it might cause a new believer or unbeliever to stumble.  Loving as Christ loves means caring about people.

⁹ Be careful, however, that the exercise of your rights does not become a stumbling block to the weak. 1 Corinthians 8:9, NIV

Living transparently without trying to appear as better than I am (perfect) or doing life without caring is a balancing act and it requires the wisdom and discernment that I can only find in Christ.  Without the Word and the Holy Spirit to guide me it would immobilize me causing me to hide in my introverted hole and not do anything because then I wouldn't disappoint anyone.  But God - He would disappointed if I didn't follow His leading and show what it means to live an imperfect but redeemed life. 

And ultimately my only desire is to please Him.  He is the only one who really matters and so making choices should be about what He wants for my life - not solely on what I want or on trying to please someone else.  Living a life for Christ is the only way to live.  It provides freedom from perfect people pleasing and the I don't care about anybody mindsets.