Dry Bones Live

Thus says the Lord God to these bones: Behold, I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. Ezekiel 37:5 ESV

The story of dry bones in Ezekiel is one of my favorites.  It's a moving testament to how God works out His plans even when all we see are dead, dry bones.  The Bible is so full of stories of God using the broken, busted, scarred and tattered to do His most mighty works.  He breathes new, changing life into people that many would write off as lost and useless.  

About thirty years ago I let a dream die because of fear.  I was afraid I couldn't perform the work that I would need to be able to perform in order to see the dream come to fruition.  I wanted to serve people as my service to God and I planned to go to seminary.  I was accepted to start the fall of 1990 and just didn't.  Soon after I got married and began a life of serving family and jobs.  I got out of the work that I felt called to and started serving in the capacity of administrative assistant.  I loved all of my jobs and they have been varied and scattered.  A little over a year ago I was challenged by a boss to think about goals.  What were my long term goals.  Deep inside my "dry bones" I still wanted to get my Master's degree and serve in a capacity to help others who were broken and battered.  

Then God opened a door.  A new job doing something I truly loved.  Helping people who were older or physically challenged stay at home.  Helping them maintain independence.  My heart began to beat again.  Just as I got started I got the dreaded cancer diagnosis and again felt like things were dead and wouldn't ever go any farther.  But I have the kind of husband who sees the best in me and pushes me to keep reaching.  

So I did.  I applied.  I applied to the School of Social Work at LSU.  It started okay and then they told me I had to take a statistics class.  I took one of those the first time around and barely passed.  But they sent me a link and I paid my money and I managed to pass the test to pass the class.  Then I got this. 

So in January I will begin breathing life into the dry bones and working toward a goal that I had long let go of.  I'm excited and terrified all at the same time.  My brain isn't as quick as it used to be and there is a lot of extra stuff weighing it down right now.  

Like,  two weddings - one in December and one in February.  A son who will graduate college in the next six months and get a job and start grown up life.  And a mom who will start her fourth battle with cancer.  I think that last one has me most worried and most motivated.  Because I serve an Unstoppable God.  He finishes plans that He starts.  He moves mountains and makes the impossible, possible.  And He heals those who are sick.  

You see my God is big.  He takes all the little, broken, crazy us and turns them into beautiful pictures that shine and reflect His light.  When we let Him breathe life into our dry bones He can make them walk again.  


Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV) For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare^[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Another Trip Around the Sun

Ecclesiastes 3 talks about the seasons of life and there is a time for everything. I am reminded today on my 53 birthday how true this is.  Last year I celebrated with all my people and got this cool picture frame from some of the people I call my kids.

In the year since my birthday:
     My daughter got engaged
     I moved
     I was diagnosed with breast cancer
     I had surgery to remove and replace my breasts
     My husband had some job changes
     I flooded my car and had the engine replaced
     My son went to Italy - ALONE!!! (at least without his family)
     and in the midst of those things we walked through a variety of struggles with others.

I would like to think that the next year will be smooth sailing.  But in the not too distant future we will have two weddings and my son will graduate college.  And if the good Lord allows it I will start my master's degree in Social Work.

As I have faced all of this in the past year I have also had to deal with a lot of fear and some deep dark places in my mind and heart.  You see I have a tendency to dwell on the worst and worry about how it will all work out.  I have physically practiced taking my thoughts captive and stopping them or telling them the TRUTH!!  Because what I have to remind myself of is that if I don't take them to task and speak the truth to my thoughts they will overwhelm me and take me to a deep pit of despair.

I have had to remind myself that my thoughts are often not the truth.  They are overshadowed by past experiences and the reactionary process to those experiences.  In other words what my past tells me is to expect what I got from someone else or what the world tells me should be.  You see I'm human and I get scared of the what might happens, and what ifs, and what will everybody else think or the ever present comparison game.

Man does that comparison stuff suck.  My journey and the people who may be walking a similar one will never be the same.  My cancer may not have been as bad, I may not have had to have chemo or lost my hair but the losses I have been dealing with lately have a lot more to do with the inward battle.  Will the cancer return, will I get all the feeling back in my breasts, will they look okay, will the clothes I wear fit right or look right.  Will anyone notice but me and if I notice will it shake me so much that my confidence or lack of will be affected.

And then God.  He sent me back to some awesome stories of imperfect people, David and Joseph and so many more.  They faced some crazy broken issues and sin and God still included their stories in His word.  I've been reading some Sheila Walsh books and they have spoken to that broken, not okay, place in my spirit.  The place that satan likes to wiggle around and try to get my focus off of God.

You see my faith, my belief that God is who He says and that His Son came to free us from the laws of religion and from our sin, hold me up and helps me look at my emotions and thoughts with His truth.  When I dissect what's going through my head and heart and hold it up next to His Word then I'm reminded that life is seasons.  And just like the weather seasons can change quickly so can the seasons of my life.

So for today, I will celebrate with my peeps and enjoy the glory of God who frees and restores the broken and builds family from so many places.

Connection

I have a piece of art, currently in storage, that is a beautiful calligraphy with a dried flower in the corner. The verse is one that over the years has helped me overcome being shy and moving often. It’s a reminder to make the connection with people that is so easy to just overlook.

“Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.”  Hebrews‬ ‭13:2‬ ‭ESV

I bought this piece of art at a craft show in Angel Fire, New Mexico at the First Baptist Church. Partly because I loved the artist and because I knew how hard it was to be the stranger. The artist was Susie Tate. One of those people that always had a smile and just wasn’t  afraid to let the world see her heart for Jesus. She was the daycare director who loved on my little dude and helped him learn about Paul Bunyan and how to trim his eyelashes. So really he was just so quick she never saw him do it and was so afraid I would be upset. I wasn’t. He likes to cut things.

Susie died this past Friday and my heart broke. She was one of those people you just connect with. She was so easy to talk to and so fun to be around. Even in her struggles she exuded joy and faith. We prayed, cried and laughed a lot together. We connected and I wanted to be able to show joy like she did. She was there when we faced some struggles and just knew how to be in your presence without you feeling like you had to entertain or work to be social.

For the past couple of years Susie has been sending me notes of encouragement through Instagram. Shared pictures of faith and reminders that even in the hard times we serve a big God. Literally the day before she died she was still trying to encourage. I had no idea she was sick and so her death was a bit of a shock.

When God puts people together the connection doesn’t ever stop. The joy of knowing that one day I will see her again is so wonderful. That doesn’t make knowing she is gone any easier though. Because I knew that no matter where I was if I needed her voice I could call or send a message and get a smile.

Today I was blessed to hear from her daughter. Another beautiful joy filled reminder of her amazing life. She told me I could steal a picture to put with my blog because I knew I needed to process. I really can’t thank God enough for blessing me with the knowing of someone like Susie. I can’t wait to see her again.

Thank you Mikki for letting me share this. I look forward to seeing you grow to be even more like her every day. Love you Susie and will most definitely miss you. I know you are so happy to be with the Jesus you loved so much.

Swirling Winds

“And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.” Mark‬ ‭4:39‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Being a mom had its challenges when my kids were little. We faced many trials that often caused me to question myself and whether they would ever make it to adulthood. I really thought it was hard. And I was tired and weary most of the time. 

I had no clue what hard really looked like as a parent until recently. I had faced losing a child, and holding one I thought would die. They graduated and moved away and through it all I was constantly reminded I had no control. More recently it became clear that being the parent of adult children is even harder. The work is not as physical but it can be more heart breaking and emotionally draining. 

On April 25th at 3:10 am I received a text from my son. It read:

“I'm giving you a quick update. About and hour and 10 minutes ago, a tornado hit our parking lot. Nobody is hurt, I'm okay. I had a panic attack. Rebecca and some dorm mates helped me through it. I'm okay. But there's some bad damage. Pray for all of campus. For sure quite a few cars got damaged and/or totaled.”

I don’t always wake up when I get a text at that hour but for some reason I did and I told myself they were okay go back to sleep and tomorrow you can see how bad it was. Well the tears barely stopped as I looked at videos and pictures of the damage. The picture below is from right outside his dorm. There was so much to see and a lot of sorrow as there were also lives lost. But the hardest part for me was that I wasn’t there. My son struggles with storms and I wasn’t there to walk with him and my daughter as they faced an act of nature. 

Every day as a parent is hard and when your kids are young you think that one day it won’t be so hard. But that’s just a lie. I fully believe that no matter the age of the children parenting is a challenge we can only manage with prayer and faith. There are big challenges and little challenges and sometimes we feel way overwhelmed and under appreciated. But the real blessing comes when we look at how our kids face the hard times and learn to be independent and strong. 

I am so blessed to see my kids face their struggles, make choices and face their consequences and still stay positive. My prayer is that in the days ahead as we face weddings, one trip further away they ever and many more hard and fun times they will remember that God is the central strength to run to. Seeking Him first will always get you through the next day. And I pray this momma heart remembers that too. Because there are still many hard days ahead. 

I love you my babies. I thank God for my parents and don’t know how they survived all the years with us. 

Off Center Belly Button

Colossians 3:15 ESV - And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body.  And be thankful.

This blog is going to be transparent and real.  There are picture from after surgery and of my scars.  I am putting this as a warning in case you do not wish to see semi naked pictures of me. 

Cancer is an equalizer.  Each person has a different way of coping and each cancer diagnosis requires different treatment and strategies.  It strips your dignity and your peace of mind.  It reduces you to a diagnosis and often isolates you. 

For me cancer has been freeing in some ways.  I lost my sense of modesty about my first pregnancy where I got the pleasure of multiple doctors peering at my girly parts and delivering my firstborn via c-section.  Growing up I played the comparison game and the if only game very well.  If only I had long hair, short hair, curly hair or maybe if I was skinnier or prettier or whatever the current thing was.  As I aged I hate to say that it took me many years to out grow that.  Even now as I have been dealing with my diagnosis I have succumbed to the comparison game.  But I have realized the freedom of not caring what others think and striving to be like Christ rather than the world.

I've struggled with the fact that I currently know two people where the cancer diagnosis has been much more aggressive.  They have faced issues that at this time I may not have to.  I was blessed to be able to have surgery and reconstruction all at the same time.  I didn't have to have chemo or radiation.  My surgeons were amazing and my reconstruction doctor is a perfectionist.  When I agreed to the procedures I told my doctors I just want to be well.  Not perfect.  I've struggled with that long enough. I don't want to be perfect.  It creates a lot of anxiety.  I used to struggle to be that way.  Better than the rest or at least in my mind as perfect as possible.  Hair in place, makeup just right and clothes all matching and cute. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm still competitive and want to be the best I can but not better than someone else.  I want to be the best me. I still want to look good but I don't care as much about whether I have the appropriate number of diamonds when my legs are together or whether my scars are visible.  I have scars.  Many of them.  Ranging from stretch marks to the more recent ones.  I have scars buried deep inside that no one can see.

I wish when I was growing up I had realized sooner that what other people think of me isn't nearly as important as being at peace with myself.  Accepting who and what I am even if that makes me stand out as different.  First and foremost I want to be defined by my heart.  Not what do people see on my outside but what do they see in how I treat others and how I treat them.  I am far from perfect. 

My God is so big.  I was reminded this week that He has blessed me so much.  Even with the hardships I have faced I am still blessed.  He has used each struggle and scar to mold and shape me into who I am.  One of my friends with cancer shared that she was able to tell me things that others don't quite get.  I get that because its really hard to describe how it feels to have spots of numbness in your own body or heaviness and swelling and odd pains and odd fears. 

The newest fear is about taking the preventative medicine.  How bad will the side effects be?  Will it significantly impact my life or will I be able to just keep moving forward. 

So with my surgery I got reconstruction with my own tissue.  This meant they took some fat and relocated it along with the veins that keep it living.  At this time my wounds are healed and the scars are already starting to fade.  So I noticed.  One thing.  A tiny thing when you consider it but still it made me start to worry a bit and then I just looked and decided it didn't really matter. 

My belly button is just slightly off center.  Now granted my breasts aren't perfectly symmetrical yet.  They will change as I continue to heal (at least that's what my doctor says).  But he just missed midline with my belly button.  It looks good but well its not right on center.  And I am okay with that.  I told him that as far as I was concerned I would be his only one and done as he puts it.  I don't need any adjustments.  Now I just need to get back in the gym and get my muscles that are tight loosened up again and strengthen the areas that aren't quite stable yet. 

So if you see me in a bathing suit and you notice my off center belly button just smile and remember that who you are is who God made you to be.  With your scars and your differences you, just be you. 

These pictures are where I was and where I am.  The first is at just 2 weeks post surgery, then 4 weeks and now 6 weeks post surgery. 

My Tribe

Proverbs 27:17 Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

Today I am less than 24 hours from being three weeks out of surgery.  On the 14th of January I had a bi-lateral mastectomy with DIEP flap reconstruction.  Last Tuesday I went back to work part time.  I will try not to get too graphic but basically some amazing doctors removed the breast cancer from my body and rebuilt my breasts with my own skin and fat. It was an all day, eight hour surgery, three days in the hospital and then the wearing of drains and restricting garments.  Monday a week ago they removed my drains and belly button stitches.  I'm still wearing binders and special bras and I still have stitches below my breasts and some sticky tape across my abdomen.  My recovery has been good so far and each day I'm a little stronger and a little less exhausted by the end of the day. 

But ... I could not have done this alone.  No way, no how.  My daughter and parents stayed the first few nights at the hospital.  There were others there, my sister who came just to be there.  I honestly don't remember much from the hospital stay except for a lot of cute male nurses.  I don't know why that seemed to implant on my brain but I've had a few hospital stays and that is not the norm.  I'm not sure what I said or did other than one definite bout of vomiting and lots of checking of drains and veins and all the things that go on in a hospital.  It was a generally pleasant hospital stay. 

Once I was home though, had I not had my amazing husband I would not have survived.  He was and still is the best nurse ever.  He lets me do what I can without telling me not to and then tucks me in with kisses and blankets when I've hit my limit.  He helped empty drains and change my clothes and clean more vomit.  He deserves a medal and I honestly couldn't love him more.  He is my rock.

Now to my tribe.  I hear people talk about their "tribe" and I decided I need to share mine.  You see we really can't do life alone.  We need other people.  Trust me - I have tried.  I am a true to the core introvert and I can stay in my room with a good book or movie for extended periods of time.  But I've always known I had a tribe.  My first tribe is my family.  Just like the Native American culture I studied in college what we are born into shapes our first tribe.  Some are good and nurturing and caring and sadly some are not.  I was blessed with the best kind of tribe.  A tribe that believes in a God bigger than us all.  A tribe that I know will pick up and come running if I call. 

I had a boss who told me about a book he read where the author indicated that if you didn't have at least 5 people that you could pick up the phone and call in an emergency situation then you were too isolated.  Even as a hard core introvert, outside of my immediate family I know of so many people I could call for help in an emergency. And I mean any emergency.  There are some I could call for just emotional support, some for physical and some even for financial if it got that dire. 

My tribe is established in faith.  Most if not all of them are believers in God but some have other beliefs and I still count them in my tribe.  I have received cards, notes, gifts and comments from people scattered around the world.  My daughter put out a call to my tribe asking they sent me notes of encouragement.  I have read them all.  Some of these people I don't know but I count them as my tribe. 

Everybody's tribe is different.  Each one of us needs a tribe.  Not just our families because sometimes that just isn't enough.  Sometimes they are too far away.  More than once I've been blessed by a tribe of people who came together over an experience, a loss, an illness or just a sense of needing others.  We need each other.  Kindness and love and just making connections is more urgently needed than ever. 

I can't list all the names of my tribe but they are scattered around the world.  They are fellow believers, fellow warriors, fellow survivors and just fellow humans.  If you find yourself without a tribe then just call out to God.  He will send  you what you need and who you need just at the right time.  Hold on to them.  You may not need them every day.  You may not talk to them every day and there may be days your tribe shifts and changes to meet your current life situation.  That's what a tribe does. 

I want to just share one more thing.  Be intentional.  If you need a tribe then go find them and then be intentional in cultivating the relationship.  Not all in your tribe will be your besties.  They may just be the person beating the drum for a time or the one guarding the gate.  There are different jobs in our tribes and that is okay.  Just remember that if you are in a tribe that makes you a necessary part as well. 

So today I say thanks to my tribe.  Thank you for all you have done and are doing to help me on the road to full recovery.  There was no other cancer and I will take some hormone inhibitors for a few years but otherwise I should make a full recovery.  I couldn't have done it without you.  All of the notes, prayers, thoughts and words of encouragement give me strength to keep plugging away and building back up to full strength.

This is just a glimpse at the things my tribe sent.  Penelope is at the top - a gift from my daughter and she hasn't left my side  She is especially helpful for supporting the arm when the swelling gets irritating.  The next is a precious gift from some of my tribe at work, followed by a box full of cards, notes and letters.  Finally a sweet pillow from my mom who has been there and knew I would need that extra love. 

Shameless plug

This is a shameless plug for my son. He has an amazing opportunity to go to Italy with the school. I am attaching the link if you are interested.

https://www.facebook.com/658851749/posts/10155708264851750/

C is for Courage

For the last few years I have tried to find a word that God would have me embrace for the New Year.  Once I feel led to a word, I start by searching for the definition and then I search for scriptures that speak to that word.

The last three years have been 2016 Change, 2017 Trust and 2018 Humility.  This year I feel like the word God has led me to has all the other words wrapped up in it.  My word for 2019 is Courage.  I find this word a bit daunting.  To me it means being strong.  Right now strength seems very far away from me. 

According to the dictionary courage means a mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear or difficulty.  This year is starting out with a lot of danger, fear and difficulty.  In a mere 7 and half days I will undergo surgery for breast cancer.  I have a feeling I will need all the courage I can muster to face and persevere through whatever may come. 

When I did a concordance search of courage in my Bible app the first verse that popped up was Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; Wait for the Lord!"  Our courage starts with the heart.  Let your heart take courage.  That feeds the mind and the body.  The second verse was almost the same.  Psalm 31:24 says "Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!"  Both speak to letting your heart "take" courage as you "wait" on the Lord.  That spoke to me.  See I struggle with control and waiting is always hard.  But it told me that I don't have to have courage on my own.  I don't have to muster up the strength to do it.  I just have to wait for God to give it to me so I can take it.  It's not in my own strength but in His.

The next set of verses that came up and spoke to me were 2 Corinthians 5:6 and 2 Corinthians 5:8. 
They spoke to being of good courage and recognizing that our home is not our body here on earth but with our Lord.  After reading them I went back and read more of the chapter and was immediately drawn to verse 7.  Look at these verses together.  Verse 6 "So we are always of good courage.  We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, 7 for we walk by faith, not by sight. 8 Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord."

WOW!  How cool that right now when my mind and heart are searching for the courage to face this year God chose to remind me of these 2 very important things.

1 - My courage comes from Him.  I don't have to be in control.  He will give me what I need to face the days ahead.  He already knows what will happen and all that I will face.

2 - My home is not in this body.  I'm gonna be honest here.  When you get a serious diagnosis of any kind your mind tends to think about the big what if.  What if I die?  For me that would be okay.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm in no hurry to die.  I'm not depressed or suicidal.  I want to see my babies graduate college, get married, have careers and babies.  But I also know that this body will fail.  I will die sooner or later.  This reminder that courage to be here at home in this body takes walking by faith.  Faith in a God who when we were yet separated from Him by sin sent His only Son to die so we could have a home outside our bodies on earth for eternity with Him.  We just have to Accept, Confess and Believe.  So every day of 2019 I need to take good courage - the kind that comes from walking with God daily and at home here in this body until the time comes where I get to go be at home with the Lord.

Our world has so much ugliness in it that for me it takes a lot of courage some days to keep walking with God.  Daily I have to seek His word and pray just so my mind doesn't get overwhelmed with worry and all the ugliness I see in the news.  Going home to be with God seems much nicer some days. 

So as I start 2019 I am going to take the courage that only my God can offer and persevere and move forward knowing that no matter what comes my way, one day I will be home with Him.  What Joy that will be. 

I did this anagram before I wrote this blog. and did my research and got my husband's opinion on the two anagrams I had put together.  He first told me he doesn't like anagrams and I respect that but then he told me this was the better of the two.  For me sometimes spelling in words what this will mean to me helps me internalize it. 

C = Confront
O = Overcome
U = Understand
R = Resist
A = Advance
G = Grapple
E = Embrace

I will TAKE courage in 2019.  Happy New Year everyone.