Which Voice

I've always heard there are many voices vying for your attention and trying to give you wisdom or advice. Some are urgent and seem to really strive to attract your focus while others are quiet and in their silence speak volumes. 

Lately I've struggled with voices. The voice in my mind that represents all my insecurities and the voice that I recognize as truth. It's been said that satan is the father of lies and his voice is persistent. While the voice of God is often a quiet whisper in our hearts and ears. 

I started a lot of new in the last few weeks and one of the big things was a new job. Any time you start something new there is a learning curve. Things they may seem simple or easy in the past may not be in a new environment or where there are slight differences in the way something is done. 

Add to the newness a separate desire to please people and do the best to impress and very quickly the voices in my mind can get very skewed. I've always said my expectations of myself and my own self talk can be some of the scariest things I face. My new job is proving that true. I'm striving to not allow the voices in my head that say I can't, or it's too hard to rule my thoughts. When I take my focus off the one thing I should be about - pleasing God and not people - I start to fall under the weight of the voices and feel like I don't measure up. 

I let the job and the fact that I've only been doing it a couple of weeks so I'm  not perfect define who and where my worth is. That's so dumb and yet for the past couple of weeks I have been fighting my own mind. Imagining what other people might be thinking instead of acknowledging that I just haven't been there long enough to really figure it out. 

Of course as God so often does He opened my eyes a little wider this morning with our Connection Class lesson in 1 Samuel. It was about where David had the opportunity - the open door if you will - and yet He chose not to take the perfect chance to kill Saul - his enemy. Instead, he listened to the still small voice of the Father. The voice that said just trust me and my plan and just like that He kept seeking God and eventually God took care of Saul in His time and His way so David didn't have to shed the blood of the king. 

How often do we walk through the door ahead of God and end up in a situation or with a choice where the consequences were much worse when if we had waited on God things might have worked out differently. Therein is often my struggle. As I've said before I'm a fixer and just like that God reminded me today that I'm not God - I can't fix everything. I'm not perfect and I have to constantly be in His presence or else the other voices can so easily drown His out. 

His voice is the voice of the shepherd and if I'm not seeking the relationship with Him built in intimacy then my voice or the voices of my past are too loud and overwhelm me. 

I don't know if you struggle with voices from the world, or your past, or your own negative self talk but satan is quick to try to use those to come at you fast and hard so you can't hear the calming voice of the Father. So seek His face so you can recognize the voice of the one who chose you and frees you and seeks to remind you that you are worthy. Just as you are - you are flawless and beautiful to the one who made you. 

This job won't defeat me and in time I pray it will be all that I know it can and I will be able to be all they need. Until I learn it though I will listen to the Father and not my negative thoughts. 

Starting Over with New Beginnings

Sitting here watching a birthday cake cook and pondering how I got to be almost fifty and I'm in a season of new things. I always thought when you turned fifty you would be old and settled and secure. However, that was not the life that I was dealt. 

I remember thinking as the child of a marine moving from place to place that when I was grown I would feel so secure in a home where I never moved. I wanted my kids to grow up in a neighborhood where they could say they had friends for life. To me that seemed to speak of security. 

Friday, I started a new job, in a new house, in a new city with a new husband and on Tuesday, I turn fifty. In my youthful days I would say that was old but today I consider it a new beginning. The beginning of something new and exciting. A time to learn and grow and experience something new. 

I found security isn't in stuff, houses, cities, or lifelong friends. Security only comes from God. When I seek His face every day I find my worth and value and my security. 

His plan for my life included a life of brokenness and transition. A life of new beginnings and friends and acquaintances scattered around the globe bonded together by faith. There area handful of those people I could call at the drop of a hat and they would come or call or help. Some have fallen along the way but still had an impact on my journey. I'm thankful for the almost fifty years of life experiences, changes and the times that required starting over and for the many people I've encountered along the way. 

My security lies in the one who died to give it to me. If you feel lost or broken rest in the one who secures all things. He alone is the rock. 

“And you will feel secure, because there is hope; you will look around and take your rest in security.” Job 11:18 ESV

Just One Day

This past week has been full of questions. Details about this day. My wedding day. I've fielded each one with some guidelines but a somewhat nonchalant attitude. Why?  Because it's just one day. 

As I woke up this morning to the sound of thunder knowing the wedding is outside I was reminded again that this is just one day. I wanted to arrive at this day with little to no expectations because I didn't want to be caught up in worry and stress or disappointment. I simply want today to be the beginning. 

The beginning of a lifetime. And not all moments will be sunshine and roses. Some will be rain clouds and thunder. I don't want to live my life based on other people's expectations or my expectations because that will always lead to disappointments. 

Today I marry the man of my dreams. Whether we start our life together on a hillside covered with sunshine or in a barn with friends and family doesn't matter. Because it's just one day that marks the start of what's more important. 

Our marriage will be marked with many days. Some good and some bad but each one a piece of a lifetime. How we deal with the bad will help shape the good. Last night I watched my kids laugh and dance in the rain and there was lots of laughter. That's what I always hope to have. Laughter in the rain. 

So if it rains on this one day that I get married it's all okay. Because just as God takes the broken pieces of our lives and weaves them into a beautiful tapestry of grace so He will take one rainy wedding day and weave it into a lifetime of love and joy. 

“But the righteous shall be glad; they shall exult before God; they shall be jubilant with joy!” Psalms 68:3 ESV

All For Good

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 ESV

I believe marriage should be forever. It should be two people striving to help each other be the best they can be. I believe God ordained marriage as an example of the covenant He wants with us as His children. 

The reality is no matter how much we want to believe this should be forever and be happily ever after and all the fairy tale things, we are imperfect broken people. That means we sometimes face struggles and sometimes the relationship we thought was so right just doesn't work out. For whatever reason sometimes marriages end. Because we are human we alone can't just make something work just because we want it to. 

We choose however, how we allow that ending to affect us and those we have relationships with. We choose whether it's just a transition or a huge negative that makes us bitter, ugly people. 

I say with my whole heart that I have no regrets about my first marriage. Out of it I learned so much about myself and how I function in relationships. I learned that marriage is hard and you have to work every day to make it work. I gained some amazing things through my marriage. 

A friend for life. 

Two beautiful kids of my own and one amazing one from him. 

A whole additional family that I love dearly. 

Amazing insight into myself. 

I can't say that the ending was easy but as time has passed I can honestly say my first marriage was a blessing and I wouldn't change a thing. My prayer now is that my second marriage would be built on the foundations learned from the first one. I know God has to be in the center of the relationship. 

I grew up in church where divorce was looked on as the worst possible thing. And I'm not saying that it is a good thing but because we are human we are going to have struggles and sometimes things end. I think as believers what we need to learn is that regardless of whether we divorce or remarry or stay single we just have to remember that God is enough. We have to stop judging one another because we handle our struggles differently.  If we chose to love and accept each other maybe we would be in a better place. 

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:18 ESV

So as I move to the next step I know God is making all things good. He takes all our struggles and works them for His good if we let Him. Just a few more days and I will start the next step of His plan. My prayer is that I will allow every previous struggle to lead me to the place closer to His heart so God can continue to reveal Himself and make me more like Him. 

Writing Vows

Back in December I received a ring that was replacing a ring that was a promise. The first ring promised that the relationship had purpose and direction. The second ring defined it as leading to commitment. In a few short weeks I will exchange vows with my fiancé and commit my life to him. 

At the moment I'm trying to write my vows and that is no easy task. You see I was raised to believe that if you promised to do something you did all you could not to break that promise. So I've never taken that lightly. Because there is nothing more disappointing and heartbreaking than a broken promise. With my kids when they were little and asked for something or to do something I tried hard not to promise something unless I knew I could make it happen. In my life and work I've tried to always keep my word. 

Since I was married before and so was my fiancé we both are looking at marriage very differently than we did the first time. We don't want to make the same mistakes. Marriage is hard work and takes a one hundred percent commitment from both people. I can't say that I'm perfect and so of course I've made many mistakes in all of my relationships. 

As I think about these vows I can't help but think of the covenant/promise/vow that God made from the beginning to us. 

“And this is the promise that he made to us—eternal life.” 1 John 2:25 ESV

From the beginning everything God intended was for us to be with Him eternally and yet He gave us the free will to choose. We could choose to accept His promise of eternity or as we know choose not to accept. That's a long time to keep a promise. And yet everything in the Bible reflects His continual fulfillment of the promise. Even when people made mistakes. Little mistakes or big mistakes - God still loves us enough to plan for eternity. 

So as I think of my vows I want to be honest and express freely what I want to promise to do as a wife. And I want to do all I can to not break those promises. In order to do that my very first vow to my future husband is to Seek God First. Because only when I seek Him first will I be able to even come close to not breaking my promises. And since I'm human it will take daily and sometimes moment by moment seeking God to keep from messing up. 

I don't want a breakable contract with my future husband - I want a God ordained covenant and that only comes from Him. 

So in just a few short weeks I will put on a new ring that will always remind me of the promises I make. And a visual reminder to just seek God first. 

There Really Is Nothing I Can Do

“Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” Psalm 62:1-2 NIV

I am a fixer. I like to be in control and work for an outcome. Something I can touch and feel and complete. To have the satisfaction of knowing I did it and it worked or grew or whatever the outcome, it was positive. That's good and bad. 

There are many things in life that I can't fix. I can't fix other people, their problems or control the outcome of most of life. I'm not God. Sometimes I think I can control things or tell someone how to fix something but ultimately I can't. 

I got my tattoo when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was the second in my immediate family to be diagnosed with breast cancer but only one of many who have had cancer. My mom was the first to be diagnosed with breast cancer and when she was diagnosed I wasn't even in the state. When my sister was diagnosed I was in the state and realized there wasn't much I could do for her. I went with her to get her hair cut in case she had to have chemo and needed a wig. I brought her some goodies for the hospital but ultimately I couldn't do much. 

Now my mom has been diagnosed again. The other breast and this time not only do I live in the state but in the same house. That means I can be here to help. Of course all I can really do is help with the stuff. Household stuff and just stuff I can control. 

I can't really do anything. I can't fight the fight for her and I can't fix it and make it better. That is ultimately why I got my tattoo. To show my support in a tangible reminder that I can't do anything. 

When my son was small I learned this lesson in a very hard way. I lay next to him in a hospital bed praying that God would take me instead of Him. I realized at that moment that I had no control over this life. Only God has that control. 

Right now I want nothing more than to beg or bargain with God that He would fix my mom. You see the actual diagnosis and surgery aren't really what scares me. It's the unknowns that scare me. The what ifs and what else's that make me worry. It's watching my dad worry because he can't fix it either and he's scared. Scared of what we don't know. And that is where satan wants us to stay. Scared and caught up in the things we can't control or fix. Because if we focus on tomorrow and what we don't know then our focus isn't on the one who does know and who does control the tomorrows. 

God knows exactly what is going on inside of my mom. Far better than any doctor or than us or even her. He knows how hard the fight is going to be or how easy. I just have to remember that for this moment I have enough strength for today. My tattoo is just a physical reminder that there really is nothing I can do but my hope is in the one who controls the world and all that is in it. God is bigger than cancer and He always will be. So for today for this moment I'm gonna stand on the rock that won't be shaken because there is no promise of tomorrow for any of us. 

“Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” James 4:14 NIV

Waiting Sucks

Yep - that's what I said.  Waiting sucks.  It seems like that is all I'm doing these days. 

Waiting for my kids to graduate - they did and I survived.

Waiting for mom's test results - got them and now we wait for the next doctor appointment and the next step. 

Waiting for the potential job.

Waiting for the wedding, and the house and the ...

Waiting, waiting, waiting.  I'm really tired of waiting.  That seems to be one of my weaknesses.  I don't wait well.  I get impatient and try to plan or fix or do whatever might make the waiting go faster.  And often times during the waiting I let my mind figure out all the possible worst case scenarios.  What's the worst thing that could happen after the wait.  That's what I anticipate and then whatever happens usually isn't so bad.

I've heard all the clichés about waiting and I've probably even said some and then I was reminded last night of what my life verse is (you would think I wouldn't have to be reminded - it should just be the first thing I think of).  But I was reminded.  By a God who reminds me of so much that I take for granted.

Isaiah 40:31 (ESV)

³¹ but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint.

 

They who wait - shall renew.  The waiting is for the renewal. I should be resting and renewing and restoring.  That's what God wants for us -  but we have to wait for the Lord.  He will give us what we need for the next step.  How though?  How do I wait for the Lord?  That's the part I haven't' quite gotten right yet.  Sometimes I do it well.  I seek Him in scripture and song.  But sometimes I don't do it so well.  I get frustrated and tired and don't want to do anything.  That's when I give satan a chance to really get me off track. 

 

In the time of waiting - it's like preparing for battle.  I should be taking those quiet times between the struggles to prepare and renew.  To get ready for what is coming next.  It's the unknowns that drive me crazy and why I get so distracted in the waiting.  I just want to know what's next.  What's around the corner. As I was thinking about this today I was reminded that although what I'm waiting for that is unknown to me is known by someone.  GOD KNOWS!!!  He knows exactly what comes next and how and what and when.  He knows what the answer is to the question I haven't even asked.  I don't have to be afraid and I don't have to anticipate the worst or the best because He knows. 

 

As a believer I think that the waiting is especially hard because what we are waiting for is truly the greatest unknown.  We are waiting to be reunited with our God - our Father and to have that running where we don't grow weary and we walk and don't faint and where we mount on eagle wings and soar with the one who created us. 

 

Recently I saw this picture on Facebook and it so made my heart soar.  It's a perfect picture of this verse.  Why do I worry when I have visible reminders of how God provides all around me.  So as I wait - I'm going to do all I can to keep my eyes on the God who makes the eagles soar and try to rest up for whatever may be ahead.

Photo by Sherri Talley