The Best Mom Ever

I've seen these words all over social media today.  It's kind of hard to miss since it's Mother's Day. I know I've said it and it's even been said of me. The thing is there is no supermom or wonder woman or perfect mother. There are just a bunch of broken women hoping they get at least a few things right and don't destroy their kids with the things they get wrong.

Many times I have seen something another mom does with her children and think that I should do that or man I hope I don't do that. Comparing my mothering to someone else's and thinking I've failed or my kids have missed out on something. The truth is that I'm not perfect. I'm a broken vessel with imperfect children and I had imperfect parents. None of us are perfect. Not now or ever will we be perfect. 

Today our message was on how to forgive. The biggest person we need to forgive being ourselves. We compare ourselves and judge our mistakes and somehow believe that if we could have only done something better or different then we would be the perfect mom and our kids would be happy and healthy and wealthy and wise. Living perfect easy lives because we mothered so well. 

That is the biggest lie we can tell ourselves. I fully believe that it is only in our willingness to fully take hold of our brokenness and recognize that all of mankind is broken will we succeed at parenting well. Because then and only then will our children feel like they can just be human and not have to live up to the illusion of perfection. 

Our amazing God gives us grace and mercy and the love we need to allow us to be imperfect and broken. And really if we can just teach our children that it's okay to be broken then they will realize that a loving God forgives and uses the broken pieces to build us into what He sees our lives can be. 

I am blessed to have amazing children. The only thing I pray is that if I taught them nothing else that they learned that God is really all they need. They don't need me and they don't need anything other than to seek the God who created them for a great purpose. 

Beyond my children I've been blessed to encounter many that I count as mine.  There are many hurting mommas in the world. Those who've lost or never held a child. Those who've seen their children wander so far that they seem lost forever. Those who influenced so many children just by loving like Christ even if they weren't their kids. 

To all you mom's I hope you just remember that the God who formed you is the same God who formed your kids and He doesn't make mistakes.  So stop comparing and striving for an illusion that we can't measure up to. Forgive yourself and let go of what is and just love. 

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:13-14‬ ‭ESV‬

Scattered Pictures

In my house are many pictures.  Some are in frames. Some on phones and electronic devices that are beyond recovery.  Some are scattered around in boxes and books.

There is one set of pictures that are in a folder in a bag in the back of drawer in my file cabinet.  Those pictures are of my daughter. They are the only pictures I have of her.  For years looking at them and the few items I have of her only brought guilt.

Recently a friend lost her baby and got some bad news all in a very short amount of time.  I was immediately struck with heartache for her and I thought of my Sarah. It also reminded me of how much guilt we tend to carry as we grieve.  I think that of all the emotions we deal with during grief, guilt is the hardest to overcome.

Everyone processes loss differently and I know grief is a love language but it can also bring so much guilt that we can get stuck in the sorrow and not move past the grief .  We dwell on all the things we think we could have done differently or not done.

Loss doesn't have to mean death.  No matter what we are grieving there is often still guilt.

Guilt over a broken relationship.         

Guilt over the loss of normal.
Guilt over infertility.
Guilt over choices that created loss.

We grieve the loss of normal or what we think normal should be and there is guilt even in that.

When I was in elementary school I lost three grandparents.  The first death that left a huge impact was my paternal grandfather.  I was the first to ever write him a letter and the letter I received back expressed his pride and joy in that.  When he died shortly after and then my other grandfather died after I wrote him a letter, in my young mind I associated my letters with the reason for their deaths. I felt so guilty.  It took quite a few years for my mind to grow enough to let go of that guilt.

The loss of my daughter Sarah Elizabeth was even more guilt ridden.  As a mom carrying a baby I just knew there was something I did or should have done differently that would have allowed her to live.  It took a while and a Sunday School lesson I was teaching my 5th grade class to break me free of that guilt.

It all came down to these verses. Psalm 139:13-16. Verse sixteen especially struck me.  "Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

That verse reminded me that God knew each moment of my life, even before I was formed, and He was present with my Sarah in my body before her body was even formed.  Wow! I had nothing to feel guilty for.  God escorted my baby the whole time she was being formed and dying.

Guilt is a tool of satan.  If he can keep us feeling guilty about our loss - whatever it may be then he can isolate us from those who can lift us up and encourage us.  From those who've walked in our darkness and found the light.  And most importantly from the God who knew us before our cells were even merged together.

I pray that if you are reading this and are struggling with guilt in your situation that you will lay it at the feet of the God who knows you and your circumstance better than you know yourself.

Psalms 3:3 - "But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head."

Where Did My Babies Go?

So kittens become cats and puppies become dogs and babies become adults. When I first held my babies I couldn't imagine them ever being big. Now that they are big I can't imagine they were ever so tiny.

When you become a mom no one tells you that watching your kids become adults is one of the hardest things you will ever do. The tiny little babies that come into this world are so dependent on you for everything that it's hard to imagine a day when they really don't neeed you the same way. I can honestly say that nothing thrills my heart more than when my kids call or text to just tell me what's going on or ask for my advice.

It's hard though. You don't want to give them the wrong advice but even more you want them to learn to be strong and make their own decisions. In other words you never really arrive as a confidant, have it all together parent. Often I  still feel I'm getting it wrong.

But then...

I see this post from my daughter.

With this comment...

And then it hits me. My kids are grown. I'll never stop wondering if I'm screwing up but I know that they are good, compassionate and wise people and I'm proud of them. I gave them to God a long time ago and I can trust that He will continue to help them through this crazy world.

So this - this is where my babies are. Still my babies just in bigger bodies. Love them so much.

2016 Equaled Change

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah‬ ‭43:19‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Two years ago this verse kicked off a year of memorizing two verses a month. Last year I dubbed the year of change. I expected change, I anticipated change and I feared change. It was all of that and more.

2016 was all that I anticipated and in many ways so far beyond anything I could have imagine. I knew that it would be a different year. One kid graduating college and one from high school. Leaving an empty nest. I was getting married and moving and taking a new job. All the biggest psychological stressors you could imagine. Add to that some financial challenges, parental health issues and just your regular life and it was definitely a year of change.

I was so overwhelmed at one point I really thought I was losing my mind (some would say this already happened).  I felt so disconnected from all that was me. It was an amazing trip around the sun. I found out more about myself and how I process life than I thought was possible. It thought I knew myself pretty well and had left behind some major insecurities only to have them come roaring back and nearly undo me.

Two things kept me from falling off the edge. The one strongest connection I've ever known and my amazing husband. My God has always been my grounding place. I've learned to run to Him and cry to Him and cling to Him over the years and He is the one connection that goes wherever I do. He is always there. Even when I wander off He is just waiting.

The second one is my husband. In the past five months he has held me when I cried and helped me process (it pays to be married to a therapist) and made me laugh more than I think I ever have in my life. He lets me be me and encourages me to be all that I can.

This year ended with some special family time and I am looking forward to 2017 and what God has planned. This year the word is trust - the FIRM belief in the reliability, truth or strength of someone or something. You see I have trust issues. So this year I'm going to memorize verses on trust and seek to rely even more fully on my God and not try to figure out life.

So Happy New Year everyone. Welcome to 2017.

United We Stand

A long time ago a group of individuals came together for one purpose. Freedom.

Freedom to speak, love and to determine the path of a country. They didn't put their faith in a man or a group of men. They put their faith in God. They worked together to create our nation. A nation I'm proud to be a part of.

Lately I've been saddened by the number of people, many I call friends or family who took to social media and used it as a platform to attack. Rather than showing love and respect they painted groups with ugly words and inflamed speech. All because of a couple of individuals and what they say they stand for. It was immediately an us against them mentality. If you even hinted to side with one over the other you were suddenly painted with a wide sweeping stroke of judgment.

I saw people argue and spew ugliness to people they say they loved and they showed no respect for a difference in views or opinions. Suddenly people who were united were divided. People I called friend grouped people who voted differently than them into a stereotypical category of uneducated or racist or whatever word didn't agree with their views.

How did we get to this place?  A place where if you don't agree with someone you are considered an evil person full of hate. How did we suddenly decide that one man or woman was the only hope for our country?  If our country is made great because of one person then we are in a sorry mess. Our country is great because it was founded on God. Right now it looks ugly and torn apart. Why? Because we took our eyes off of the one thing that made this country great. Not a party or a person but a Rock. A solid Rock that stands before our country and will stand long after it's gone.

I heard it said this morning that if you have hit rock bottom then know that the rock at the bottom is Jesus. He is the rock. The cornerstone. My prayer for the country that I love and that I'm proud to be a citizen of is that we will go back to where we started. Back to God. He is the only thing to unite us. We need to seek Him and strive to be like Him so we can love one another rather than categorizing and dividing people.

It's Not the Same

So for the first time in a while my babies are both home. Sleeping under my roof for just a couple of nights. I'm blessed to have them here and I'm so thankful. But it's not the same. It came wth sudden clarity last night that it really will never be the same. They are grown. They don't need me to tuck them in or take care of them.

Wow.  That's kind of a hard thing for a mom to acknowledge. I've struggled for the last few months with redefining my roles. And this just made it exceptionally clear that the roll of mom is pretty much done. Now it's more like counselor, friend and safe haven. I don't have to do for them. Now I just have to be for them.

I get to be their cheer leader, prayer support and place to run to. But I hope that I have taught them one thing above all else. I can't be the only one they run to. They have to run to God first. I can't fix or be all they need and no one in this world can.

When our relationship as parent shifts it's a challenge. We have to know when to draw the line and release them to the God who knew them before us. Our relationships with our parents can be tricky. I'm so blessed that my parents are still living and still there when I call. I see so many broken parents relationships and if only they would forgive.

I'm far from the perfect parent and I haven't been the perfect child (although I'm the favorite ;) ) but I know one thing. Family is all you have when life gets hard. Family by blood and family of God. But if you can't forgive and let go then you will often be on your own.

So now that I've rambled a bit I'll just say this. Life changes, you move forward and you keep loving and you keep forgiving and you keep seeking God above all else. Because when nothing seems the same God is. He never changes and He is always there

I Miss My Kids

Yep - I said it. I miss my kids. It's funny really. I love my new life and new place and settling in to fun new routines with my husband but that is why I miss my kids.

I don't miss the toddler age or when they were even little kids. I miss the last couple of years of high school and the cool relationship shift where we talked about life and they giggled and made noise. I miss not being able to share fun new things. And isn't that how you know you love someone. You want to share the good times with them.

I'm so proud of my kids. One in college and one doing a good job of adulting. Growing and maturing and they still come home and we still talk on the phone. But I miss the time with them. I knew I would and for the last eight years or so I knew this was coming. This changed relationship that will grow and mature over time but as with all loss you have to grieve what was.

Grief is such a love word. The more you love the more you grieve. So as I miss my kids I'll process this grief and appreciate even more when they are here in my presence.

“Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.” 1 John‬ ‭3:18‬ ‭ESV‬‬