Crying is Cathartic

Psalm 30:5 (ESV) For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime.Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Sometimes you just need a good cry. Something about pouring out your frustration, anger or sorrow can just renew your mind and spirit. Today is that day. This has been a weird time for me emotionally. In January I started grad school knowing that shortly thereafter I would be watching my baby girl get married. A permanent move from being my baby to being a wife. A separate family from her family of origin. It was a lot. Then I was anticipating the graduation of my baby boy. A young man who has taken great strides in his growth and maturity. A young man who struggled with ADD in school and managed college without any medication. Held down a job while he worked hard to do well and sculpt cool pieces of art. Then we all got hit with this craziness we are all currently living, COVID 19. 

Photo by Alana Mae Photography

Grief comes in many forms and can sneak up on you when you least expect. We grieve the things that aren't what we were expecting or the things that break our hearts. The loss, hurts, family discord, or just the normal routine and life that we prefer. I knew that the beginnings and endings with my kids would be hard but I thought I would be able to hold them and dye eggs at Easter, or plan to celebrate graduation with a big family event. To visit with them and love on them even as we faced the transitions. But this crazy virus changed all of that. Instead I have been uprooted in my routine. I can't just choose to go see them on a weekend or see my parents or siblings. I can't just go run to the store to get flowers to put on a grave. All the things I thought I would be doing uprooted and blew up with one word - quarantine. 

My husband and I are considered essential. Although I have worked some from home and some from my office he has spent every day going in to work. It has been a little scary and yet we both are committed to caring for other people. We just keep doing what we do and pray that our God will keep us safe. The quarantine hasn't been that hard for us in the grand scheme of things. We don't do a lot anyway but its knowing that I can't just get in my car and go north that is causing me grief. 

 I miss my people. I want to go see my family and yet I don't want to bring any potential illness. I want normal. I want my routine back and I want to be able to just go to the store or a restaurant and not feel like I need a mask or gloves to be safe. I want gas prices to go back up so our economy doesn't bottom out. 

Today my Sarah would be 23. You would think by now the grief would be gone and yet its not. Some years it isn't as raw or hurtful, but this year because of all the lack of normal it seems to be a bit overwhelming. I wouldn't trade the babies I had for anything but some days I wouldn't mind for my Lord to just take us all home so we aren't separated anymore. I would love to walk down the paved streets with Jesus and my family. All of them. To be in the presence of Jesus and my people is truly what heaven will be for me. I can't imagine anything better. 

For today though, I'm just gonna cry. I'm gonna let the hurt and frustration of changed lives and changed plans wash out through my eyes. I'm gonna trust that my God who supplies all my needs will just give me His peace for today. And then I'm gonna do homework because well I kind of like that A average I've got going in grad school. That too has been impacted by the virus. Where I should be starting my internship in May it will now be in August. But I know my God was aware of all of this and He is going to keep walking with me daily when I seek Him.

So to anyone out there missing your family or friends or normal know that there is a God who wipes our tears and promises someday we will never weep again. 

 Revelation 21:4 (ESV) He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Unity of Connection

It is officially 2020.  A great year to remind us of clarity and vision.  This year my word is Connection.  By definition connection means a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something or someone else. Connecting has always been a struggle for me.  I have a big heart for people and I'm overly empathetic which over the years has led to much pain and heartache at the hands of unknowing people.  So over the years I built some walls and decided that pajamas and books or TV were preferable to true connection and relationships.  People are just extra hard sometimes and over the years I found it easier to avoid connection than to let anyone know too much or get too close.   When I was thinking of this word I was in the process of agreeing to step out of my comfort zone and lead a bible study group that I am involved in.  I joined this group for the very reason that I needed to connect.  As I began to think about this blog I looked over some of the recent ones and realized that just a few short months ago I wrote a blog called connection.  It was about a friend who I allowed myself to connect with who had passed away.  God's timing is so amazing.  That word and the steps I've taken since she passed away have led me to truly seek to be more intentionally connected. 

In the last few months God has been opening my eyes to the relationship between connection and unity.  Our churches and country seem so very disconnected right now and I believe that our culture today is lacking in both connection and unity.  I also believe that it is hard to have unity without connection.  I don't mean that unity means we are all thinking and believing exactly the same.  I believe that unity in the body is all believers seeking on major unifying factor - Jesus Christ.  When as believers we start to truly seek God through His word then we begin to love differently and look at the world differently.  I don't mean that we just love and overlook what scripture says but that we love people so that they want to know Christ and walk away changed.  Every encounter in the Bible that someone had with Christ they were loved into changing.  They made a connection with the life source that frees us from sin.  They not only walked away healed from their sickness but also from their sins. 

Unity does not happen without connection.  If you don't open yourself up with transparency and intimacy you can't love and see another person for who they really are.  It is impossible to fully unite with someone or something without an initial connection.  I'm prone to isolation myself and wonder at times the stories I've missed out on and the experiences I passed over because I didn't take a chance and connect with someone.  So this year I plan to be intentional in my connections.  Trying to be more aware of opportunities to let people a little closer and try to be more open to the hearts of those around me.  I hope that as you walk through this New Year you will strive to be connected in order to be more united in love.  Not allowing the world or differences in lifestyles, or religions drive you further apart.  Love like Jesus and He will do the uniting. 

1 Corinthians 12:12-13 ESV For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. ¹³ For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.

Dry Bones Live

Thus says the Lord God to these bones: Behold, I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. Ezekiel 37:5 ESV

The story of dry bones in Ezekiel is one of my favorites.  It's a moving testament to how God works out His plans even when all we see are dead, dry bones.  The Bible is so full of stories of God using the broken, busted, scarred and tattered to do His most mighty works.  He breathes new, changing life into people that many would write off as lost and useless.  

About thirty years ago I let a dream die because of fear.  I was afraid I couldn't perform the work that I would need to be able to perform in order to see the dream come to fruition.  I wanted to serve people as my service to God and I planned to go to seminary.  I was accepted to start the fall of 1990 and just didn't.  Soon after I got married and began a life of serving family and jobs.  I got out of the work that I felt called to and started serving in the capacity of administrative assistant.  I loved all of my jobs and they have been varied and scattered.  A little over a year ago I was challenged by a boss to think about goals.  What were my long term goals.  Deep inside my "dry bones" I still wanted to get my Master's degree and serve in a capacity to help others who were broken and battered.  

Then God opened a door.  A new job doing something I truly loved.  Helping people who were older or physically challenged stay at home.  Helping them maintain independence.  My heart began to beat again.  Just as I got started I got the dreaded cancer diagnosis and again felt like things were dead and wouldn't ever go any farther.  But I have the kind of husband who sees the best in me and pushes me to keep reaching.  

So I did.  I applied.  I applied to the School of Social Work at LSU.  It started okay and then they told me I had to take a statistics class.  I took one of those the first time around and barely passed.  But they sent me a link and I paid my money and I managed to pass the test to pass the class.  Then I got this. 

So in January I will begin breathing life into the dry bones and working toward a goal that I had long let go of.  I'm excited and terrified all at the same time.  My brain isn't as quick as it used to be and there is a lot of extra stuff weighing it down right now.  

Like,  two weddings - one in December and one in February.  A son who will graduate college in the next six months and get a job and start grown up life.  And a mom who will start her fourth battle with cancer.  I think that last one has me most worried and most motivated.  Because I serve an Unstoppable God.  He finishes plans that He starts.  He moves mountains and makes the impossible, possible.  And He heals those who are sick.  

You see my God is big.  He takes all the little, broken, crazy us and turns them into beautiful pictures that shine and reflect His light.  When we let Him breathe life into our dry bones He can make them walk again.  


Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV) For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare^[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Another Trip Around the Sun

Ecclesiastes 3 talks about the seasons of life and there is a time for everything. I am reminded today on my 53 birthday how true this is.  Last year I celebrated with all my people and got this cool picture frame from some of the people I call my kids.

In the year since my birthday:
     My daughter got engaged
     I moved
     I was diagnosed with breast cancer
     I had surgery to remove and replace my breasts
     My husband had some job changes
     I flooded my car and had the engine replaced
     My son went to Italy - ALONE!!! (at least without his family)
     and in the midst of those things we walked through a variety of struggles with others.

I would like to think that the next year will be smooth sailing.  But in the not too distant future we will have two weddings and my son will graduate college.  And if the good Lord allows it I will start my master's degree in Social Work.

As I have faced all of this in the past year I have also had to deal with a lot of fear and some deep dark places in my mind and heart.  You see I have a tendency to dwell on the worst and worry about how it will all work out.  I have physically practiced taking my thoughts captive and stopping them or telling them the TRUTH!!  Because what I have to remind myself of is that if I don't take them to task and speak the truth to my thoughts they will overwhelm me and take me to a deep pit of despair.

I have had to remind myself that my thoughts are often not the truth.  They are overshadowed by past experiences and the reactionary process to those experiences.  In other words what my past tells me is to expect what I got from someone else or what the world tells me should be.  You see I'm human and I get scared of the what might happens, and what ifs, and what will everybody else think or the ever present comparison game.

Man does that comparison stuff suck.  My journey and the people who may be walking a similar one will never be the same.  My cancer may not have been as bad, I may not have had to have chemo or lost my hair but the losses I have been dealing with lately have a lot more to do with the inward battle.  Will the cancer return, will I get all the feeling back in my breasts, will they look okay, will the clothes I wear fit right or look right.  Will anyone notice but me and if I notice will it shake me so much that my confidence or lack of will be affected.

And then God.  He sent me back to some awesome stories of imperfect people, David and Joseph and so many more.  They faced some crazy broken issues and sin and God still included their stories in His word.  I've been reading some Sheila Walsh books and they have spoken to that broken, not okay, place in my spirit.  The place that satan likes to wiggle around and try to get my focus off of God.

You see my faith, my belief that God is who He says and that His Son came to free us from the laws of religion and from our sin, hold me up and helps me look at my emotions and thoughts with His truth.  When I dissect what's going through my head and heart and hold it up next to His Word then I'm reminded that life is seasons.  And just like the weather seasons can change quickly so can the seasons of my life.

So for today, I will celebrate with my peeps and enjoy the glory of God who frees and restores the broken and builds family from so many places.

Connection

I have a piece of art, currently in storage, that is a beautiful calligraphy with a dried flower in the corner. The verse is one that over the years has helped me overcome being shy and moving often. It’s a reminder to make the connection with people that is so easy to just overlook.

“Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.”  Hebrews‬ ‭13:2‬ ‭ESV

I bought this piece of art at a craft show in Angel Fire, New Mexico at the First Baptist Church. Partly because I loved the artist and because I knew how hard it was to be the stranger. The artist was Susie Tate. One of those people that always had a smile and just wasn’t  afraid to let the world see her heart for Jesus. She was the daycare director who loved on my little dude and helped him learn about Paul Bunyan and how to trim his eyelashes. So really he was just so quick she never saw him do it and was so afraid I would be upset. I wasn’t. He likes to cut things.

Susie died this past Friday and my heart broke. She was one of those people you just connect with. She was so easy to talk to and so fun to be around. Even in her struggles she exuded joy and faith. We prayed, cried and laughed a lot together. We connected and I wanted to be able to show joy like she did. She was there when we faced some struggles and just knew how to be in your presence without you feeling like you had to entertain or work to be social.

For the past couple of years Susie has been sending me notes of encouragement through Instagram. Shared pictures of faith and reminders that even in the hard times we serve a big God. Literally the day before she died she was still trying to encourage. I had no idea she was sick and so her death was a bit of a shock.

When God puts people together the connection doesn’t ever stop. The joy of knowing that one day I will see her again is so wonderful. That doesn’t make knowing she is gone any easier though. Because I knew that no matter where I was if I needed her voice I could call or send a message and get a smile.

Today I was blessed to hear from her daughter. Another beautiful joy filled reminder of her amazing life. She told me I could steal a picture to put with my blog because I knew I needed to process. I really can’t thank God enough for blessing me with the knowing of someone like Susie. I can’t wait to see her again.

Thank you Mikki for letting me share this. I look forward to seeing you grow to be even more like her every day. Love you Susie and will most definitely miss you. I know you are so happy to be with the Jesus you loved so much.

Swirling Winds

“And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.” Mark‬ ‭4:39‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Being a mom had its challenges when my kids were little. We faced many trials that often caused me to question myself and whether they would ever make it to adulthood. I really thought it was hard. And I was tired and weary most of the time. 

I had no clue what hard really looked like as a parent until recently. I had faced losing a child, and holding one I thought would die. They graduated and moved away and through it all I was constantly reminded I had no control. More recently it became clear that being the parent of adult children is even harder. The work is not as physical but it can be more heart breaking and emotionally draining. 

On April 25th at 3:10 am I received a text from my son. It read:

“I'm giving you a quick update. About and hour and 10 minutes ago, a tornado hit our parking lot. Nobody is hurt, I'm okay. I had a panic attack. Rebecca and some dorm mates helped me through it. I'm okay. But there's some bad damage. Pray for all of campus. For sure quite a few cars got damaged and/or totaled.”

I don’t always wake up when I get a text at that hour but for some reason I did and I told myself they were okay go back to sleep and tomorrow you can see how bad it was. Well the tears barely stopped as I looked at videos and pictures of the damage. The picture below is from right outside his dorm. There was so much to see and a lot of sorrow as there were also lives lost. But the hardest part for me was that I wasn’t there. My son struggles with storms and I wasn’t there to walk with him and my daughter as they faced an act of nature. 

Every day as a parent is hard and when your kids are young you think that one day it won’t be so hard. But that’s just a lie. I fully believe that no matter the age of the children parenting is a challenge we can only manage with prayer and faith. There are big challenges and little challenges and sometimes we feel way overwhelmed and under appreciated. But the real blessing comes when we look at how our kids face the hard times and learn to be independent and strong. 

I am so blessed to see my kids face their struggles, make choices and face their consequences and still stay positive. My prayer is that in the days ahead as we face weddings, one trip further away they ever and many more hard and fun times they will remember that God is the central strength to run to. Seeking Him first will always get you through the next day. And I pray this momma heart remembers that too. Because there are still many hard days ahead. 

I love you my babies. I thank God for my parents and don’t know how they survived all the years with us. 

Off Center Belly Button

Colossians 3:15 ESV - And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body.  And be thankful.

This blog is going to be transparent and real.  There are picture from after surgery and of my scars.  I am putting this as a warning in case you do not wish to see semi naked pictures of me. 

Cancer is an equalizer.  Each person has a different way of coping and each cancer diagnosis requires different treatment and strategies.  It strips your dignity and your peace of mind.  It reduces you to a diagnosis and often isolates you. 

For me cancer has been freeing in some ways.  I lost my sense of modesty about my first pregnancy where I got the pleasure of multiple doctors peering at my girly parts and delivering my firstborn via c-section.  Growing up I played the comparison game and the if only game very well.  If only I had long hair, short hair, curly hair or maybe if I was skinnier or prettier or whatever the current thing was.  As I aged I hate to say that it took me many years to out grow that.  Even now as I have been dealing with my diagnosis I have succumbed to the comparison game.  But I have realized the freedom of not caring what others think and striving to be like Christ rather than the world.

I've struggled with the fact that I currently know two people where the cancer diagnosis has been much more aggressive.  They have faced issues that at this time I may not have to.  I was blessed to be able to have surgery and reconstruction all at the same time.  I didn't have to have chemo or radiation.  My surgeons were amazing and my reconstruction doctor is a perfectionist.  When I agreed to the procedures I told my doctors I just want to be well.  Not perfect.  I've struggled with that long enough. I don't want to be perfect.  It creates a lot of anxiety.  I used to struggle to be that way.  Better than the rest or at least in my mind as perfect as possible.  Hair in place, makeup just right and clothes all matching and cute. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm still competitive and want to be the best I can but not better than someone else.  I want to be the best me. I still want to look good but I don't care as much about whether I have the appropriate number of diamonds when my legs are together or whether my scars are visible.  I have scars.  Many of them.  Ranging from stretch marks to the more recent ones.  I have scars buried deep inside that no one can see.

I wish when I was growing up I had realized sooner that what other people think of me isn't nearly as important as being at peace with myself.  Accepting who and what I am even if that makes me stand out as different.  First and foremost I want to be defined by my heart.  Not what do people see on my outside but what do they see in how I treat others and how I treat them.  I am far from perfect. 

My God is so big.  I was reminded this week that He has blessed me so much.  Even with the hardships I have faced I am still blessed.  He has used each struggle and scar to mold and shape me into who I am.  One of my friends with cancer shared that she was able to tell me things that others don't quite get.  I get that because its really hard to describe how it feels to have spots of numbness in your own body or heaviness and swelling and odd pains and odd fears. 

The newest fear is about taking the preventative medicine.  How bad will the side effects be?  Will it significantly impact my life or will I be able to just keep moving forward. 

So with my surgery I got reconstruction with my own tissue.  This meant they took some fat and relocated it along with the veins that keep it living.  At this time my wounds are healed and the scars are already starting to fade.  So I noticed.  One thing.  A tiny thing when you consider it but still it made me start to worry a bit and then I just looked and decided it didn't really matter. 

My belly button is just slightly off center.  Now granted my breasts aren't perfectly symmetrical yet.  They will change as I continue to heal (at least that's what my doctor says).  But he just missed midline with my belly button.  It looks good but well its not right on center.  And I am okay with that.  I told him that as far as I was concerned I would be his only one and done as he puts it.  I don't need any adjustments.  Now I just need to get back in the gym and get my muscles that are tight loosened up again and strengthen the areas that aren't quite stable yet. 

So if you see me in a bathing suit and you notice my off center belly button just smile and remember that who you are is who God made you to be.  With your scars and your differences you, just be you. 

These pictures are where I was and where I am.  The first is at just 2 weeks post surgery, then 4 weeks and now 6 weeks post surgery.