Why I Married a Drunk - an Uncommon Love Story

I wanted to title this - Why I Married an Alcoholic, but Mike insisted he was a drunk.  To me alcoholic sounded better - you know - for appearance sake.  But the reality is drunk or alcoholic - they mean the same thing. One may be viewed as more politically correct but technically they are both alcohol addicts.

So, yes, I married a drunk.  Knowingly, whole heartedly bound my life to a man who struggled with addiction.  It was hard and messy and beautiful all at the same time.  Today I want to tell you why.

In 1984, I met Mike at college.  I was a freshman, new and scared of just being away from home by myself and excited to be a part of a great Baptist College.
He was one of the first friends I made.  We talked and shared and did the things of the Baptist Student Union together.  He was funny, kind and a lot crazy.  He was my friend.  We never dated, as a matter of fact I dated his younger brother off and on from my sophomore year until I was a senior.  We graduated and went our separate ways.  Both married to other people and yet destined to come together again.

When my first marriage ended I was quickly overcome with fear and loss.  I allowed the darkness of the "what ifs" and the potential of being alone to carry me to a very dark place.  God was working to break down some areas of judgment and pride that I didn't even realize existed.  He used the time to open a crack in my armor that would eventually shatter into a million pieces.

In 2012, almost two years after my divorce I received a message from Mike.  We had very limited contact in the past twenty years or so and I had heard from him and some of his family shortly after my divorce in 2010 in some passing social media messages but nothing of significance.  He messaged to tell me that he was going through a divorce.  At the time I knew he was an alcoholic because I was told by others of his struggles.  As a friend I offered an encouraging word and an ear with the hopes that as I was now through my dark time (or so I thought), maybe I could somehow help him see the light that would come at the end of his dark time.

I thought I understood what alcoholism was.  I also thought if someone had a good enough reason they would want to be sober.  I quickly learned I was naive and trusting and in for a very large come to Jesus meeting.

The Mike I came to know the second time was not the confident, fun loving Mike I knew from college.  He was broken and depressed and so angry.  He was struggling and though he told me of his struggles with alcohol I believed him to be sober and I fell in love.  Because underneath the anger and depression and brokenness I got glimpses of the Mike I used to know and the amazing man that was drowning in alcohol.

I saw a man whose compassion was overwhelming.  He saw the hurt in people and he saw me.  He saw parts of me that no one else saw.  The broken, scared parts that only God knew.

We dated for a while and when the first drunken episode happened I tried to be strong. I was much stronger than I had ever been explaining to him that I had to maintain boundaries for me and my kids which meant he had to be sober.  Regretfully it took a couple of more episodes of drunken behavior and a trip to jail before God decided that it was time to break me apart so He could start to rebuild.

When Mike was in jail God broke some parts of my insecurities into pieces. God reminded me that ultimately I needed to remember that the love He offered through His Son Jesus would fill all my voids and I was never truly alone.  And then God called me to show uncommon love to this man who was a drunk.  To offer forgiveness and continue to love him.  This time with more boundaries and some structure and the realization that if our relationship ended I would be okay.
And then it ended. I discovered I had been lied to and that was where I really had to just walk away.  I said goodbye to a piece of my heart and as I did the pieces of me shattered.  And then - God.  God reached in and started to really do the hard work.  He revealed my deepest fears and showed me that faith was more than words.  It was trusting a God who knew so much more than I did.

God showed me that the love I had for Mike wasn't enough.  I couldn't fix him. I couldn't love him into sobriety.  I couldn't fix me or my kids or Mike's kids or any of the things that he had broken or any of the things that I had broken.

God showed me an uncommon love.  He reached into the deep, into the darkest parts of me and shined the light of revelation over my co-dependent, enabling, controlling tendencies and there was only one thing left for me to do.

Love God.
Not just with my words.
But with my time.
My energy.
My whole being.
Even if it meant I was never going to have the happily ever after.  Even if it meant I would die alone.  I just needed to love God.

And for the next few months God tore pieces of me and began to show me pride and judgment and even in my church I looked at broken people from a different perspective.  Where once I felt like I had it all together I suddenly realized that I was just as broken - just as ugly - just as much a sinner or crazy person as anyone else.  I wasn't any better because I grew up in church.  I wasn't any less broken because I knew Jesus and read my Bible.  All the "religion" suddenly seemed very fake and very wrong.  I realized that what I really needed to do was love God - to be like Jesus and love like Jesus.

After saying goodbye to Mike, God began a work in Mike as well.  A few months later I began to see just how big a work God was really doing.  Mike and I started talking again.  Where I thought there would be the inability to trust - God healed.  Where I was afraid I would question the reality of sobriety God showed me what He had done. God had broken Mike and was putting him back together piece by piece.  We started talking again and this time it wasn't just words.  The actions of sobriety began to speak through Mike.  The one thing I told Mike earlier was I wanted him to be well - not just sober - but the best Mike he could be - whether with or without me.  I knew then it was an uncommon love because if I didn't get to have a relationship with him I wanted him to be the Mike that i saw before he got sober.

That was almost four years ago and we've been married now one week shy of a year.  In that time God has done miraculous things in our lives.  Mike is helping broken people and his compassion and understanding and brutal honesty make him an incredible counselor.  God has restored all that was lost and bound us both together. The difference being that we both daily strive to seek God first.  I don't try to fix him and he doesn't try to fix me.  We seek God and strive to encourage each other to be the best we can be.

We are so far from perfect and in a world that looks for love to fill the voids that haunt our souls Mike and I have found the only love that can fill the broken pieces of our lives.  Not our love for each other but our love for God.  His love is the love that pours out of the cracks of our lives and binds us to each other.  We share an uncommon love - one that only God can give.

I love you Mike.  Happy almost one year.

1 Corinthians 13:13 "So now faith, hope and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."



This post was inspired by the book Uncommon: Living a Life of Purpose and Pursuit by Carey Scott. You can learn more about the book and order it at http://careyscott.org/uncommon/.

I Wish I Was Wonder Woman

Back in my younger years Lynda Carter played Wonder Woman and I wanted to grow up to be just like her. She was gorgeous and smart and strong. I had the same color hair, I just needed blue eyes and muscles and to be beautiful like her.

On Sunday I got to see the new Wonder Woman movie and I loved it. I have always been a fan of the comic book heroes and especially Wonder Woman. I realized something. I don't think I want to be Wonder Woman for the same reasons anymore. As nice as it might be to be as fit and strong and capable of handling life as her the thing I admired most in this movie was her heart of kindness.

She wanted to save the world. To help people find the good in themselves so they wouldn't be at war and fighting each other. Isn't that what we could use today. A lot more kindness. We have lost our ability to be kind. We have become so selfish and if it doesn't help our personal cause or if someone doesn't have our same opinion we spew hate and ugliness. It really is a sad world we live in. I've been reading a book by Carey Scott called Uncommon and it is so great. It is a reminder that as believers we should strive to be uncommon. One of the biggest ways we can do that is to just be kind. In our world today being kind is uncommon. It's not the norm.

So like Wonder Woman I want to be kind. Even better than Wonder Woman is the example we have in Jesus. His uncommon kindness reaches beyon anything we are capable of.

So today I really just want to be like Jesus.



http://bible.com/59/gal.5.22.esv

The Best Mom Ever

I've seen these words all over social media today.  It's kind of hard to miss since it's Mother's Day. I know I've said it and it's even been said of me. The thing is there is no supermom or wonder woman or perfect mother. There are just a bunch of broken women hoping they get at least a few things right and don't destroy their kids with the things they get wrong.

Many times I have seen something another mom does with her children and think that I should do that or man I hope I don't do that. Comparing my mothering to someone else's and thinking I've failed or my kids have missed out on something. The truth is that I'm not perfect. I'm a broken vessel with imperfect children and I had imperfect parents. None of us are perfect. Not now or ever will we be perfect. 

Today our message was on how to forgive. The biggest person we need to forgive being ourselves. We compare ourselves and judge our mistakes and somehow believe that if we could have only done something better or different then we would be the perfect mom and our kids would be happy and healthy and wealthy and wise. Living perfect easy lives because we mothered so well. 

That is the biggest lie we can tell ourselves. I fully believe that it is only in our willingness to fully take hold of our brokenness and recognize that all of mankind is broken will we succeed at parenting well. Because then and only then will our children feel like they can just be human and not have to live up to the illusion of perfection. 

Our amazing God gives us grace and mercy and the love we need to allow us to be imperfect and broken. And really if we can just teach our children that it's okay to be broken then they will realize that a loving God forgives and uses the broken pieces to build us into what He sees our lives can be. 

I am blessed to have amazing children. The only thing I pray is that if I taught them nothing else that they learned that God is really all they need. They don't need me and they don't need anything other than to seek the God who created them for a great purpose. 

Beyond my children I've been blessed to encounter many that I count as mine.  There are many hurting mommas in the world. Those who've lost or never held a child. Those who've seen their children wander so far that they seem lost forever. Those who influenced so many children just by loving like Christ even if they weren't their kids. 

To all you mom's I hope you just remember that the God who formed you is the same God who formed your kids and He doesn't make mistakes.  So stop comparing and striving for an illusion that we can't measure up to. Forgive yourself and let go of what is and just love. 

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:13-14‬ ‭ESV‬

Scattered Pictures

In my house are many pictures.  Some are in frames. Some on phones and electronic devices that are beyond recovery.  Some are scattered around in boxes and books.

There is one set of pictures that are in a folder in a bag in the back of drawer in my file cabinet.  Those pictures are of my daughter. They are the only pictures I have of her.  For years looking at them and the few items I have of her only brought guilt.

Recently a friend lost her baby and got some bad news all in a very short amount of time.  I was immediately struck with heartache for her and I thought of my Sarah. It also reminded me of how much guilt we tend to carry as we grieve.  I think that of all the emotions we deal with during grief, guilt is the hardest to overcome.

Everyone processes loss differently and I know grief is a love language but it can also bring so much guilt that we can get stuck in the sorrow and not move past the grief .  We dwell on all the things we think we could have done differently or not done.

Loss doesn't have to mean death.  No matter what we are grieving there is often still guilt.

Guilt over a broken relationship.         

Guilt over the loss of normal.
Guilt over infertility.
Guilt over choices that created loss.

We grieve the loss of normal or what we think normal should be and there is guilt even in that.

When I was in elementary school I lost three grandparents.  The first death that left a huge impact was my paternal grandfather.  I was the first to ever write him a letter and the letter I received back expressed his pride and joy in that.  When he died shortly after and then my other grandfather died after I wrote him a letter, in my young mind I associated my letters with the reason for their deaths. I felt so guilty.  It took quite a few years for my mind to grow enough to let go of that guilt.

The loss of my daughter Sarah Elizabeth was even more guilt ridden.  As a mom carrying a baby I just knew there was something I did or should have done differently that would have allowed her to live.  It took a while and a Sunday School lesson I was teaching my 5th grade class to break me free of that guilt.

It all came down to these verses. Psalm 139:13-16. Verse sixteen especially struck me.  "Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

That verse reminded me that God knew each moment of my life, even before I was formed, and He was present with my Sarah in my body before her body was even formed.  Wow! I had nothing to feel guilty for.  God escorted my baby the whole time she was being formed and dying.

Guilt is a tool of satan.  If he can keep us feeling guilty about our loss - whatever it may be then he can isolate us from those who can lift us up and encourage us.  From those who've walked in our darkness and found the light.  And most importantly from the God who knew us before our cells were even merged together.

I pray that if you are reading this and are struggling with guilt in your situation that you will lay it at the feet of the God who knows you and your circumstance better than you know yourself.

Psalms 3:3 - "But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head."

Where Did My Babies Go?

So kittens become cats and puppies become dogs and babies become adults. When I first held my babies I couldn't imagine them ever being big. Now that they are big I can't imagine they were ever so tiny.

When you become a mom no one tells you that watching your kids become adults is one of the hardest things you will ever do. The tiny little babies that come into this world are so dependent on you for everything that it's hard to imagine a day when they really don't neeed you the same way. I can honestly say that nothing thrills my heart more than when my kids call or text to just tell me what's going on or ask for my advice.

It's hard though. You don't want to give them the wrong advice but even more you want them to learn to be strong and make their own decisions. In other words you never really arrive as a confidant, have it all together parent. Often I  still feel I'm getting it wrong.

But then...

I see this post from my daughter.

With this comment...

And then it hits me. My kids are grown. I'll never stop wondering if I'm screwing up but I know that they are good, compassionate and wise people and I'm proud of them. I gave them to God a long time ago and I can trust that He will continue to help them through this crazy world.

So this - this is where my babies are. Still my babies just in bigger bodies. Love them so much.

2016 Equaled Change

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah‬ ‭43:19‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Two years ago this verse kicked off a year of memorizing two verses a month. Last year I dubbed the year of change. I expected change, I anticipated change and I feared change. It was all of that and more.

2016 was all that I anticipated and in many ways so far beyond anything I could have imagine. I knew that it would be a different year. One kid graduating college and one from high school. Leaving an empty nest. I was getting married and moving and taking a new job. All the biggest psychological stressors you could imagine. Add to that some financial challenges, parental health issues and just your regular life and it was definitely a year of change.

I was so overwhelmed at one point I really thought I was losing my mind (some would say this already happened).  I felt so disconnected from all that was me. It was an amazing trip around the sun. I found out more about myself and how I process life than I thought was possible. It thought I knew myself pretty well and had left behind some major insecurities only to have them come roaring back and nearly undo me.

Two things kept me from falling off the edge. The one strongest connection I've ever known and my amazing husband. My God has always been my grounding place. I've learned to run to Him and cry to Him and cling to Him over the years and He is the one connection that goes wherever I do. He is always there. Even when I wander off He is just waiting.

The second one is my husband. In the past five months he has held me when I cried and helped me process (it pays to be married to a therapist) and made me laugh more than I think I ever have in my life. He lets me be me and encourages me to be all that I can.

This year ended with some special family time and I am looking forward to 2017 and what God has planned. This year the word is trust - the FIRM belief in the reliability, truth or strength of someone or something. You see I have trust issues. So this year I'm going to memorize verses on trust and seek to rely even more fully on my God and not try to figure out life.

So Happy New Year everyone. Welcome to 2017.

United We Stand

A long time ago a group of individuals came together for one purpose. Freedom.

Freedom to speak, love and to determine the path of a country. They didn't put their faith in a man or a group of men. They put their faith in God. They worked together to create our nation. A nation I'm proud to be a part of.

Lately I've been saddened by the number of people, many I call friends or family who took to social media and used it as a platform to attack. Rather than showing love and respect they painted groups with ugly words and inflamed speech. All because of a couple of individuals and what they say they stand for. It was immediately an us against them mentality. If you even hinted to side with one over the other you were suddenly painted with a wide sweeping stroke of judgment.

I saw people argue and spew ugliness to people they say they loved and they showed no respect for a difference in views or opinions. Suddenly people who were united were divided. People I called friend grouped people who voted differently than them into a stereotypical category of uneducated or racist or whatever word didn't agree with their views.

How did we get to this place?  A place where if you don't agree with someone you are considered an evil person full of hate. How did we suddenly decide that one man or woman was the only hope for our country?  If our country is made great because of one person then we are in a sorry mess. Our country is great because it was founded on God. Right now it looks ugly and torn apart. Why? Because we took our eyes off of the one thing that made this country great. Not a party or a person but a Rock. A solid Rock that stands before our country and will stand long after it's gone.

I heard it said this morning that if you have hit rock bottom then know that the rock at the bottom is Jesus. He is the rock. The cornerstone. My prayer for the country that I love and that I'm proud to be a citizen of is that we will go back to where we started. Back to God. He is the only thing to unite us. We need to seek Him and strive to be like Him so we can love one another rather than categorizing and dividing people.