Legacy of Strength

What is strength?  The dictionary says this.

I believe this is a good definition. Strength is something we all want to have.  I have been called strong at many different times in my life.  When I survived losses in life.  When I worked long and hard even when tired.  When I walked through physical pain in a way others might not.  All of these might make it seem as if I was strong but most of the time I don't feel very strong.  I just feel like I have to keep going.  Keep moving, keep putting one foot in front of the other until the darkness fades and I start to see the light again.  

A legacy is defined by the dictionary like this.

My kids probably won't get much from the first but I hope to leave them a legacy of strength.  

I want them to know how to build the strength that keeps you moving.  In my lifetime I have seen many people leave a legacy of strength.  Some fought in wars, some fought illness, some chose not to fight and lived a life full of grace every moment which took great strength. 

In my family tree there is a legacy of strength.  The strength that each generation draws from comes from the same source.  A deep pool of faith.  There were no perfect people or perfect Christians.  We were judgmental and often saw the speck in someone else's eye before we saw the log in our own.  We were flawed and we got angry and we sometimes said the wrong thing or made the wrong choice.  But I believe I can honestly say I learned from my ancestors a legacy of love and faith.  

In our culture today so often we have an ideal of what our legacy should be.  A famous name or a large amount of wealth.  We should be able to leave our children better off than we were.  And that is what I hope to leave my children and all those who I've encountered in this lifetime.  I hope that one day when they think of me they think of the one thing that defined my strength.  I hope and pray they think of Jesus.  

My prayer is that my children and grandchildren will not think of the mistakes I made or the bad choices or the things I got wrong.  I hope that they will just remember that I somehow along the way pointed them to Jesus.  He is my strength and my hope.  

Right now I feel pretty weak.  Un-strong if you will.  The fear of unknowns and what ifs can start to overwhelm me in a hurry if I take my eyes off of the source of my strength.  A cancer diagnoses and the thought of surgery and recovery and the god awful medical bills and time off from work and - you get the picture.  I'm scared.  Scared of what I don't know how to control.  

So I have to refocus my thoughts and keep the relationship that is the most important at a level of intimacy that no one else can understand.  This is my journey and I will choose how to fight and when to sit back and rest.  I have friends who are tired of fighting and some who are just getting started like me.  It's when we lose sight of the moment and look too far forward that we lose our strength.  Because strength is built in the trenches.  In the daily use of the muscles that build them up.  The strength of perseverance comes through persevering. 

Today I'm just admitting my weakness.  I'm just human and I just have hope in the one who knows every single cell in my body.  Even the broken cancer ridden cells.  And I will cling to the hope of knowing He holds my future.  

Corinthians 12:9(ESV) But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

The "C" Word

2 Corinthians 1:4 (ESV) who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

When I was growing up the "C" word to me meant death.  It instilled fear and loss.  If I heard someone say they had the "C" word I just knew they would be dead in no time. I even determined at some point if the "C" word was mentioned in relation to surgery then the surgery would somehow make the "C" word become rampantly out of control and only speed up death.  You see the first people in my life associated with the "C" word all died. 

I was in elementary school when my grandmother was diagnosed with the "C" word - that's cancer for those who were wondering.  She had lung cancer and I honestly don't remember much but that when she died there was a tree in the front yard that had been cut down and had left a smoldering stump.  For some reason I remember someone saying that before it burned all the way out someone else would die.  If my memory is semi correct (my memory sucks most of the time) a great uncle had cancer and passed as well.  I was still in elementary school when my grandfathers were diagnosed with the "C" word and both ultimately passed from it.  Then my aunt was diagnosed and she passed away as well. 

So much loss related to the "C" word.  By the time my mom was diagnosed the first time with breast cancer I was afraid but had known people who managed to beat cancer.  I didn't want to lose my mom to the "C" word and even though they were confident it would be treatable there was still fear involved.  She has now beaten cancer three times.  My sister is also a survivor. 

When I married my husband I acquired some new friends.  One I prayed for often for a variety of struggles.  The biggest being breast cancer.  In the last two or more years she has fought a strong battle against the "C" word. My heart was burdened to pray for her as she fought her own personal demons and the deadly "C" word.  Her fight has been a hard one and she still is fighting today.  She is Greta Painter.  An amazing artist and beautiful soul.  She is a mother, a survivor and a kick ass fighter.  I have admired  her strength and the very first time I got to hug her neck it was all I could do not to sob uncontrollably.  She amazes me. 

Greta Painter - artist

For years I have said that it wasn't a matter of getting cancer, with my family history I figured it was just  a matter of what kind and when.  My first brush with cancer was before my kids were born.  I had my annual check up and the doctor called to say my results were abnormal.  More tests, a biopsy and eventual procedure later took care of the precancerous cervix cells.  A couple of minor procedures with moles that were suspicious and would like lead to cancer came next.  The year after my divorce I had my first breast biopsy.  I was prepared to go to any lengths to make sure I survived to raise my kids.

This month I had my second biopsy in my other breast.  This time I get to fight the "C" word.  The funny thing is I'm not afraid of the cancer.  I had a plan before it ever occurred and I have doctors who are willing to make it happen.  I will have a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction.  Thankfully the indications are that surgery will be all I need. 

For me the struggle with cancer is my concern for those who have to help me.  I don't do well as the helpee.  I prefer to be the helper.  The financial burdens and the fact that I have to take off from work to actually take care of me.  I have to say that it's almost a relief to finally know which cancer and what my fight will be. 

There are no guarantees in life and every struggle and fight is different.  I pray you will never have to fear the dreaded "C" word but I pray if you do that you have the support of the most important person.  My God knew when and what I would fight.  He set some things in place to make this the perfect time and location for me to fight.  He knew where and when it needed to take place.  I know that beyond anything else He will be right beside me holding me and carrying me through the process. 

I am blessed to have family and friends who are already lifting me in prayer.  We all face struggles and you need a tribe to face them.  Remember to always seek out a solid strong support group.  I wish I could fully understand why one fight seems simpler than another.  I can't comprehend the fight my friend Greta is fighting.  My fight seems very minor compared to the one she is on but I know each of us is unique and God uses every part of our lives to shape us and to allow us to touch others.  I know Greta is touching lives.  Pray with me for all of those fighting and the families who fight with them.

My heart is that as I walk this new journey I will have an even better ability to show compassion to others who walk this way.  I believe God has given me so many different blessed struggles that help me comfort someone else who walks through them. Sometimes the blessing is just being able to learn and share what we learn. 

Proverbs 27:17 "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."

Packing Boxes

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, ESV  For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

I have packed so many boxes in my lifetime that I couldn't begin to count them even if I tried.  Each time I have packed a box there has been a myriad of emotions.  They range from excitement to sadness, from enthusiasm to drudgery and a wide range of emotions in between.  

Most of my packing has been from state to state, city to city or home to home.  But I have also had the sad task of packing up boxes of someone who has passed away.  You pack away a lifetime of memories and belongings to be sold or given away or claimed by family.  

Moving is an adventure.  One I've endured so many times that I have to be honest - I am an expert packer.  But it is also a drudgery.  Each move and packing of boxes signifies an ending and a beginning.  It usually requires many boring tasks like wrapping fragile items and going through stuff that you have to decide if you will need or if it can be tossed.  It also brings up old memories and some laughter and tears.  

Right now I am packing up our belongings to put in storage for a year while we decide if we want to build or buy a house.  We are putting some things in storage and some into a new apartment.  I'm kind of excited about the apartment - no grass to mow and less than five minutes to my office.  But the packing part has been a little harder than I was anticipating.  This weekend my sweet baby girl and her - fiance - came to help.  That fiance thing is a challenge in and of itself.  It's a change coming I'm not quite ready for.  I love him but it's hard to watch our kids grow up and move on.  

And that leads to why this packing is harder.  This weekend I packed up my baby boy's belongings to put in storage, without him.  He is at school and this summer he didn't come home.  He did a very responsible thing and held down a job to save money for a trip he wants to take next summer.  It was packing up an ending.  The end of my son being a child.  As I put his stuff in boxes or bagged stuff for his sister to take back for him to go through I realized that he would probably not come home again to stay.  Next time he comes and the times ahead will be passing through times.  Moving from the college phase to the work and on his own phase.  

It's been a hard summer.  As a mom my goal was to help my kids find their place in the world as functioning adults.  In my heart I prayed that they would be God adoring functioning adults.  I see them now and I am beyond proud.  They are both amazing.  Of course they will always be my babies but they don't need me to do the same things for them anymore.  I don't see them as often and I don't get to tuck them in at night.  Now I just do a lot of praying and try to give wise counsel when they call.  

There is a season for everything and packing boxes is just one of those seasons.  The changes are always a challenge and I just keep praying that God will keep showing me how to guide my children as they become strong adults.  Hug your babies.  They just don't stay tiny for long.  It seems like yesterday and then they are big.  

Dust Bunnies

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.  PSA.51.10.ESV

I am not a fan of dusting.  It is one of those chores that I put off until the last possible minute.  Typically that comes about when I notice I can write on the table or the dust bunnies start to look like they can carry off the dog.  Oh, I clean my house, vacuum, mop, and all the other fun tasks but I just don't dust weekly.

Today was a dust day.  It was time and it seemed that it spoke volumes to me this morning.  I was contemplating some other emotional struggles and in light of those I had a small epiphany.  How do those tiny little particles of dust come together to create visible dust bunnies?

Little specs of nothing seem to gather together and create piles and strips of thick dust.  It is overwhelming to contemplate.  In light of my epiphany I had this thought.  Emotions are the same way.  So often we store up little hurts or little perceived negative feelings until they become nasty little or big dust bunnies.  The big difference between dust and emotions is that when you want you can wash away dust bunnies.  Just sweep them out and mop.  Feelings and emotions don't quite work that way.  

Emotions that are spawned by tiny little feelings can suddenly spew out in great negatives unless we learn to take them captive.  The problem is that if we aren't addressing them on a regular basis then when we finally do we are seen as being mean or ugly.  What should ideally happen is we should communicate the hurts early and often so they don't fester and mold into giant dust bunny farms.  

Sometimes we easily recognize the hurt feelings or perceived slights and we can rationally process them as most likely our own over active imagination.  But when enough perceived hurts come together then the perception tends to become the reality.  What we perceive as real is what we usually believe to be real.  I tend to over think my emotions and usually will just keep them locked up and process them in my own quiet until I can control them.  But every now and then they sneak up on me and come out.  Our emotions will escape their borders if we don't process and deal with them and that is something I so easily forget. 

I was talking to my son just this week and he was washing dishes that had gotten a little smelly.  I reminded him that the longer they sit the more they smell.  It's the same with dust and hurt feelings.  The longer they sit the bigger we let them become. I find when I let it sit too long then I have to apologize to someone for overreacting to something.  

Maybe one day I will be able to just not let the little things hurt my feelings and then it won't matter but that is something I'm still working on.  Just like the verse Romans 12:2,

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

I have to learn to take my emotions and hurt feelings and give them to God.  Otherwise they take over and create other issues.  So I am still working on putting this verse into action.  Transforming my mind to stop focusing on me and focus more on Him. It's the only way to keep those pesky emotions from becoming giant dust bunnies. 

Religion or Relationship

““What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you are filthy—full of greed and self-indulgence! You blind Pharisee! First wash the inside of the cup and the dish, and then the outside will become clean, too.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭23:25-26‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Today my uncle passed away.  He is the youngest brother to my dad and for the last couple of years he has been in a nursing home.  When my dad called this morning I knew it wasn't good news because its Father's Day and it should have been me calling but I wasn't even awake yet.  So I figured it was something else and of course it was.  In the last few years I've watched my dad go to the nursing home and then come back sad and disheartened because he knew his brother was slipping away.  I couldn't bring myself to go because I wanted to remember him as he was sitting on the porch telling stories with my dad.  I didn't want to see him lost and confused. 

He was the youngest son.  Kind of the black sheep and to me he always seemed a little lost and that made me sad and always extra grateful to see him and get to hug him a little tighter. He was single when he passed and had no children.  Just a bunch of siblings and nieces and nephews and great nieces and nephews.  I think that's why I worried most about his relationship. 

You see we grew up in the South and as most people from the south or around the south we know about Jesus.  We grew up in religion.  It didn't matter what religion you actively or inactively participated in, if you were from the south you likely called yourself a Christian.  Just because we knew about religion.  Always in church and always hearing about religion.  Over the years I believe this is why so many have come to think of Christians as judgmental and holier than thou.  We thought if you weren't actively involved in the rules and regulations of whatever religion you were a part of then you weren't as good as us.

Churches were so segregated - not just racially but by religion.  If you weren't Catholic or Baptist or Pentecostal or Church of Christ or whatever you believed because of your background then you were judged by other denominations as less holy or religions.  I lived it, I practiced it and then I started to look a little deeper.  I started to really look at the difference between religion - how we practice what we believe, and relationship - how we lived what we believe. 

You see I believe that religion isn't nearly as important as relationship.  That's why were created after all.  To be in relationship with God.  He wanted us to be a part of His creation and to walk with Him and talk with Him in the garden.  I began to see that Jesus was far more interested in our hearts than the rules of the religion that we practiced.  He was far more interested in my heart and my talking and walking with Him than what church I attended and what Bible translation I was reading. 

When you really look at the life of Jesus you will see that He was more interested in the brokenness of mankind than the religious laws that man had put in place.  He came to build relationship.  He wants us to long to be in His presence.  To seek out His word and His love and His presence more than making sure we are following the laws of some religion. 

Churches are awesome.  They allow us to come together and jointly reach out to others.  To share a heart for Jesus.  But no church is perfect.  No religion is perfect.  No person is perfect.  Only when we recognize that, will we start to recognize the need for relationship.  Because we can't reach out to anyone in love unless we first learn what real love is.  And I know that I can't know what real love is unless I go to the source.  The Savior who willingly laid down His life so mine could be changed.  He loved everyone - and everyone who came in contact with Him walked away changed.  He is the change that we need.  His love is the only love. 

“For this is how God loved the world: He gave3:16 Or For God loved the world so much that he gave. his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. 17God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:16-17 NLT 

But to know that love and to find that change we have to build the relationship.  I know my uncle knew about Jesus.  But it breaks my heart to say that I really don't know if he knew Jesus.  I don't know what his relationship with the Savior was and I'm ashamed that I didn't take the time to truly build a relationship where I could ask the question and find the answer. 

Our heavenly Father is the perfect example of a relationship builder.  He wanted it so bad that He willingly let us choose sin and then freely gave His Son to redeem us and then went further to send the Holy Spirit to walk with us and teach us what relationship should really be. 

I don't know what your relationship with your father is like and that may cloud your view of God.  But if you know about Jesus then I would pray that you would ask the Father above to show you how to desire a relationship with Jesus.  The kind of relationship where you can bare all the hurts and broken pieces of your soul and know that you won't be judged but you will be loved. 

Jesus longs for us to know Him so intimately that we tell Him and share with Him the things that we would never dream of telling anyone else.  To truly know Jesus all you have to do is seek Him.  He doesn't run and hide from you.  He is waiting in the pages of the Bible, in the quiet of the night, in the beauty of a flower and the majesty of a mountain.  Jesus is right there just waiting on you to seek Him.  And when you do He will walk into your life and start the change that only He can.

So I ask you today.  Do you have religion or do you have a relationship with the God who loves you and knows you best?  If you just have religion I pray that you will find relationship.

I AM ENOUGH

Lately God has really been hammering my heart about this whole issue of comparison and feelings of inadequacy.  It's funny even how often I've read a blog or heard someone speak about how we so often get caught up in this world of comparison. 

I don't know  really where or when but I remember as far back as elementary school and junior high reading the book "Are  You There God, It's Me Margaret" and how often I compared myself to those around me.  And somehow in my mind I never seemed to measure up. 

I wasn't tall enough, skinny enough, smart enough, fast enough, whatever enough.  I didn't think I could sing as well a someone else or I didn't think I was as pretty as someone else.  Not as spiritual or didn't pray enough or right.  I was a tomboy who was very shy and that just complicated the issue because I was always in my own head (as I've said before - a very scary place at times). 

Over time these not enoughs led me to a place of just wanting to be seen.  Noticed, accepted and loved as enough.  I just wanted to be enough to not keep comparing myself and seeming to be on the short end of the stick.  Even though I knew I was loved and had friends and family I still felt the need to compare myself to what I saw in other people.  There was always someone who seemed better. 

As I was able to rationalize that this was all in my head I got better at letting it go and yet in the back of my mind it was always there.  Comparing my mothering skills to someone else's.  Or my situation or whatever.  With all of this I have a very competitive nature which pretty much meant that I always had a measuring stick even when I thought I didn't.

Recently I was hit with a life situation that triggered some serious not enough thoughts.  Things that I thought I was past and had actually dealt with and moved on from.  I felt like all those past not enoughs rushed up and hit me in the face.  I was really struggling to find my worth and value.  Life has a way of doing that doesn't it.  Sneaking up and slapping us right at the weakest moment when all the lifey things are happening at once.  The comparing myself to others - those with money, or sex appeal, or magazine pictures and pretty facades that really aren't truth - nearly took me under. 

But then God.  I was sitting in worship two Sundays ago and it was as if God reached down and smacked me on the back of the head.  With God, I AM ENOUGH!!.  He created me just the way I am and He loved me before I was even conceived.  So much so that He sent His only Son to die for me.  He reminded me of the verse in Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

There is a song out right now by Cory Asbury, called Reckless Love.  It is a powerful reminder that God chases us down even when we are wallowing in our darkest thoughts.  This phrase really strikes to the heart of my comparison lies.  "There is no wall you won't kick down, lie you won't tear down -coming after me".  God is the light that tears down the lies. His word is what pulls me from the depths of comparison and reminds me that I really don't want to be like the world I compare myself to. 

What freedom comes from God.  He tears down all the lies of the enemy and the lies that I've fed myself for so many years.  In God I am enough.  He makes me more than enough.

The Power of Fear

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately.  How easily it can overwhelm me and make me feel lost and alone.  There is so much in our world today that contributes to a fearful spirit.  War, turmoil among people - every day my news feeds are filled with horrible things happening to people.  It often makes me want to just go find a place to hide and not be a part of this world. 

Fear in and of itself is just a word. An emotion that we give way too much power.  The things that I am so often afraid of never come to pass or are way less worrisome than I think they are going to be.

I recall a time where I would easily try new things and I wasn't afraid of adventures or climbing trees.  People were always the hardest though.  I was always afraid of what other people might think about me and my choices and the way my life looked.  Lately I've wondered what happened to the little kid who felt secure and free enough to just climb the tree.  Why does making a choice or trying something new tie me up in knots?

Why do I worry what someone will think about the decisions I make?  Why do I try to pass that fear on to others by making them question what they should do or not do?  Why do I think I need to control the things around me? 

When we live a life that is founded in the here and now and the things of this world - money, stuff, a certain image or expectation we are missing the big picture. I'm learning to not try and control the world around me.  In the past I was afraid of what might happen so I would control the things I thought I could in the hopes of limiting the type of fall out I might encounter - ugly words or hurtful comments.  Of course all I did was put myself in a comfortable shell that became much like a prison. 

I was so afraid of what might happen outside my cocoon I forgot to keep living.  I can't say that I've managed to break out of my self made prison but I am making strides.  I'm trying not to be the over controlled freak of a mom or wife.  I'm trying to trust others enough to say what I feel and not just avoid the topics that scare me.  Now I just need to get brave enough to find a way to connect with some new people.  Find a way to meet some new friends and live a little outside of myself.

It's coming slowly and I know that God is getting me ready for what He wants.  He is constantly reminding me to just trust Him to show me what the next step in my adventure will be.  Because the one thing I do know is that His love is perfect and if I empty myself of me and let Him fill me up then the fear doesn't have room to move into my mind.  It's a daily process of emptying and actively seeking to fill my mind with the love that only He can give me and letting it pour out of me. 

The big picture is way more than just me and my little world.  I have the pleasure of spending an eternity with a God who cared enough to walk among us and help us live without fear.  We can be brave and strong and fearless.  We can love all people without judging or being afraid of what will come from loving them.  With God we have resurrection power living in us and friend - that is super power beyond imaging.  God will and can fill our every need and erase all fear from our lives.  We just have to keep trusting and seeking Him to fill the empty spaces. 

Trust is Hard Work

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. (‭Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭5‬ ESV)

Trust was my word for 2017 and I think that there is still more to learn. Trust takes work. Hard work and daily effort. I learned that a lot of trusting is just letting go of trying to plan out every detail and making it work the way I want.

I have trust issues. There are some reasons and yet no real reason other than the fact that my mind goes to places it shouldn’t in regards to always leaning to the negative outcome of just thinking the worst.  You see I have always kind of been an assume the worst and then anything is better kind of thinker. That leads to some stress and anxiety.

I learned this year to take those thoughts captive a little quicker and not assume I knew how things would go or turn out. In relationships this is essential. I have to actively pursue the positive thoughts and throw out the thoughts based on other people and the past. What I found was I would fall back on thoughts about how someone else did something or didn’t do something and it would evoke emotions that were negative and led to questioning trust.

I tried to memorize verses that had to do with trusting God and then reminding myself when those those thoughts cane up just basically throwing them out and replacing them with the positives. Trust isn’t just an emotion or a vague faith in mankind.  It’s actively choosing trust over distrust. It’s actively reminding myself of the reality of the actions of my God and those in my life. Not the imaginings of a distrustful mind.

What I learned in 2017 was that trust doesn’t just happen and it will be an ongoing lesson. I also learned I am somewhat selfish and prideful so I guess God thought 2018 should address that.  So for this year I’m gonna focus on Humility.

I started reading Andrew Murray’s book on humility and I was immediately hit with this thought. Being humble isn’t just thinking less of myself. It’s not self depreciation. It’s acknowledging that it’s not about me.

So Happy New Year - trust God and others. Remember trust, like Love is a choice.

From Andrew Murray’s book Humility