Religion or Relationship

““What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you are filthy—full of greed and self-indulgence! You blind Pharisee! First wash the inside of the cup and the dish, and then the outside will become clean, too.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭23:25-26‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Today my uncle passed away.  He is the youngest brother to my dad and for the last couple of years he has been in a nursing home.  When my dad called this morning I knew it wasn't good news because its Father's Day and it should have been me calling but I wasn't even awake yet.  So I figured it was something else and of course it was.  In the last few years I've watched my dad go to the nursing home and then come back sad and disheartened because he knew his brother was slipping away.  I couldn't bring myself to go because I wanted to remember him as he was sitting on the porch telling stories with my dad.  I didn't want to see him lost and confused. 

He was the youngest son.  Kind of the black sheep and to me he always seemed a little lost and that made me sad and always extra grateful to see him and get to hug him a little tighter. He was single when he passed and had no children.  Just a bunch of siblings and nieces and nephews and great nieces and nephews.  I think that's why I worried most about his relationship. 

You see we grew up in the South and as most people from the south or around the south we know about Jesus.  We grew up in religion.  It didn't matter what religion you actively or inactively participated in, if you were from the south you likely called yourself a Christian.  Just because we knew about religion.  Always in church and always hearing about religion.  Over the years I believe this is why so many have come to think of Christians as judgmental and holier than thou.  We thought if you weren't actively involved in the rules and regulations of whatever religion you were a part of then you weren't as good as us.

Churches were so segregated - not just racially but by religion.  If you weren't Catholic or Baptist or Pentecostal or Church of Christ or whatever you believed because of your background then you were judged by other denominations as less holy or religions.  I lived it, I practiced it and then I started to look a little deeper.  I started to really look at the difference between religion - how we practice what we believe, and relationship - how we lived what we believe. 

You see I believe that religion isn't nearly as important as relationship.  That's why were created after all.  To be in relationship with God.  He wanted us to be a part of His creation and to walk with Him and talk with Him in the garden.  I began to see that Jesus was far more interested in our hearts than the rules of the religion that we practiced.  He was far more interested in my heart and my talking and walking with Him than what church I attended and what Bible translation I was reading. 

When you really look at the life of Jesus you will see that He was more interested in the brokenness of mankind than the religious laws that man had put in place.  He came to build relationship.  He wants us to long to be in His presence.  To seek out His word and His love and His presence more than making sure we are following the laws of some religion. 

Churches are awesome.  They allow us to come together and jointly reach out to others.  To share a heart for Jesus.  But no church is perfect.  No religion is perfect.  No person is perfect.  Only when we recognize that, will we start to recognize the need for relationship.  Because we can't reach out to anyone in love unless we first learn what real love is.  And I know that I can't know what real love is unless I go to the source.  The Savior who willingly laid down His life so mine could be changed.  He loved everyone - and everyone who came in contact with Him walked away changed.  He is the change that we need.  His love is the only love. 

“For this is how God loved the world: He gave3:16 Or For God loved the world so much that he gave. his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. 17God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:16-17 NLT 

But to know that love and to find that change we have to build the relationship.  I know my uncle knew about Jesus.  But it breaks my heart to say that I really don't know if he knew Jesus.  I don't know what his relationship with the Savior was and I'm ashamed that I didn't take the time to truly build a relationship where I could ask the question and find the answer. 

Our heavenly Father is the perfect example of a relationship builder.  He wanted it so bad that He willingly let us choose sin and then freely gave His Son to redeem us and then went further to send the Holy Spirit to walk with us and teach us what relationship should really be. 

I don't know what your relationship with your father is like and that may cloud your view of God.  But if you know about Jesus then I would pray that you would ask the Father above to show you how to desire a relationship with Jesus.  The kind of relationship where you can bare all the hurts and broken pieces of your soul and know that you won't be judged but you will be loved. 

Jesus longs for us to know Him so intimately that we tell Him and share with Him the things that we would never dream of telling anyone else.  To truly know Jesus all you have to do is seek Him.  He doesn't run and hide from you.  He is waiting in the pages of the Bible, in the quiet of the night, in the beauty of a flower and the majesty of a mountain.  Jesus is right there just waiting on you to seek Him.  And when you do He will walk into your life and start the change that only He can.

So I ask you today.  Do you have religion or do you have a relationship with the God who loves you and knows you best?  If you just have religion I pray that you will find relationship.

I AM ENOUGH

Lately God has really been hammering my heart about this whole issue of comparison and feelings of inadequacy.  It's funny even how often I've read a blog or heard someone speak about how we so often get caught up in this world of comparison. 

I don't know  really where or when but I remember as far back as elementary school and junior high reading the book "Are  You There God, It's Me Margaret" and how often I compared myself to those around me.  And somehow in my mind I never seemed to measure up. 

I wasn't tall enough, skinny enough, smart enough, fast enough, whatever enough.  I didn't think I could sing as well a someone else or I didn't think I was as pretty as someone else.  Not as spiritual or didn't pray enough or right.  I was a tomboy who was very shy and that just complicated the issue because I was always in my own head (as I've said before - a very scary place at times). 

Over time these not enoughs led me to a place of just wanting to be seen.  Noticed, accepted and loved as enough.  I just wanted to be enough to not keep comparing myself and seeming to be on the short end of the stick.  Even though I knew I was loved and had friends and family I still felt the need to compare myself to what I saw in other people.  There was always someone who seemed better. 

As I was able to rationalize that this was all in my head I got better at letting it go and yet in the back of my mind it was always there.  Comparing my mothering skills to someone else's.  Or my situation or whatever.  With all of this I have a very competitive nature which pretty much meant that I always had a measuring stick even when I thought I didn't.

Recently I was hit with a life situation that triggered some serious not enough thoughts.  Things that I thought I was past and had actually dealt with and moved on from.  I felt like all those past not enoughs rushed up and hit me in the face.  I was really struggling to find my worth and value.  Life has a way of doing that doesn't it.  Sneaking up and slapping us right at the weakest moment when all the lifey things are happening at once.  The comparing myself to others - those with money, or sex appeal, or magazine pictures and pretty facades that really aren't truth - nearly took me under. 

But then God.  I was sitting in worship two Sundays ago and it was as if God reached down and smacked me on the back of the head.  With God, I AM ENOUGH!!.  He created me just the way I am and He loved me before I was even conceived.  So much so that He sent His only Son to die for me.  He reminded me of the verse in Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

There is a song out right now by Cory Asbury, called Reckless Love.  It is a powerful reminder that God chases us down even when we are wallowing in our darkest thoughts.  This phrase really strikes to the heart of my comparison lies.  "There is no wall you won't kick down, lie you won't tear down -coming after me".  God is the light that tears down the lies. His word is what pulls me from the depths of comparison and reminds me that I really don't want to be like the world I compare myself to. 

What freedom comes from God.  He tears down all the lies of the enemy and the lies that I've fed myself for so many years.  In God I am enough.  He makes me more than enough.

The Power of Fear

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately.  How easily it can overwhelm me and make me feel lost and alone.  There is so much in our world today that contributes to a fearful spirit.  War, turmoil among people - every day my news feeds are filled with horrible things happening to people.  It often makes me want to just go find a place to hide and not be a part of this world. 

Fear in and of itself is just a word. An emotion that we give way too much power.  The things that I am so often afraid of never come to pass or are way less worrisome than I think they are going to be.

I recall a time where I would easily try new things and I wasn't afraid of adventures or climbing trees.  People were always the hardest though.  I was always afraid of what other people might think about me and my choices and the way my life looked.  Lately I've wondered what happened to the little kid who felt secure and free enough to just climb the tree.  Why does making a choice or trying something new tie me up in knots?

Why do I worry what someone will think about the decisions I make?  Why do I try to pass that fear on to others by making them question what they should do or not do?  Why do I think I need to control the things around me? 

When we live a life that is founded in the here and now and the things of this world - money, stuff, a certain image or expectation we are missing the big picture. I'm learning to not try and control the world around me.  In the past I was afraid of what might happen so I would control the things I thought I could in the hopes of limiting the type of fall out I might encounter - ugly words or hurtful comments.  Of course all I did was put myself in a comfortable shell that became much like a prison. 

I was so afraid of what might happen outside my cocoon I forgot to keep living.  I can't say that I've managed to break out of my self made prison but I am making strides.  I'm trying not to be the over controlled freak of a mom or wife.  I'm trying to trust others enough to say what I feel and not just avoid the topics that scare me.  Now I just need to get brave enough to find a way to connect with some new people.  Find a way to meet some new friends and live a little outside of myself.

It's coming slowly and I know that God is getting me ready for what He wants.  He is constantly reminding me to just trust Him to show me what the next step in my adventure will be.  Because the one thing I do know is that His love is perfect and if I empty myself of me and let Him fill me up then the fear doesn't have room to move into my mind.  It's a daily process of emptying and actively seeking to fill my mind with the love that only He can give me and letting it pour out of me. 

The big picture is way more than just me and my little world.  I have the pleasure of spending an eternity with a God who cared enough to walk among us and help us live without fear.  We can be brave and strong and fearless.  We can love all people without judging or being afraid of what will come from loving them.  With God we have resurrection power living in us and friend - that is super power beyond imaging.  God will and can fill our every need and erase all fear from our lives.  We just have to keep trusting and seeking Him to fill the empty spaces. 

Trust is Hard Work

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. (‭Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭5‬ ESV)

Trust was my word for 2017 and I think that there is still more to learn. Trust takes work. Hard work and daily effort. I learned that a lot of trusting is just letting go of trying to plan out every detail and making it work the way I want.

I have trust issues. There are some reasons and yet no real reason other than the fact that my mind goes to places it shouldn’t in regards to always leaning to the negative outcome of just thinking the worst.  You see I have always kind of been an assume the worst and then anything is better kind of thinker. That leads to some stress and anxiety.

I learned this year to take those thoughts captive a little quicker and not assume I knew how things would go or turn out. In relationships this is essential. I have to actively pursue the positive thoughts and throw out the thoughts based on other people and the past. What I found was I would fall back on thoughts about how someone else did something or didn’t do something and it would evoke emotions that were negative and led to questioning trust.

I tried to memorize verses that had to do with trusting God and then reminding myself when those those thoughts cane up just basically throwing them out and replacing them with the positives. Trust isn’t just an emotion or a vague faith in mankind.  It’s actively choosing trust over distrust. It’s actively reminding myself of the reality of the actions of my God and those in my life. Not the imaginings of a distrustful mind.

What I learned in 2017 was that trust doesn’t just happen and it will be an ongoing lesson. I also learned I am somewhat selfish and prideful so I guess God thought 2018 should address that.  So for this year I’m gonna focus on Humility.

I started reading Andrew Murray’s book on humility and I was immediately hit with this thought. Being humble isn’t just thinking less of myself. It’s not self depreciation. It’s acknowledging that it’s not about me.

So Happy New Year - trust God and others. Remember trust, like Love is a choice.

From Andrew Murray’s book Humility 

Stolen Blessings

“Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:12-14‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I have always been somewhat independent and proud. I prefer to be the fixer or helper and serve behind the scenes more often than in the limelight. As a believer in Jesus I started blogging for a couple of reasaons. Primarily because my brain and heart were overflowing and I needed to spill that out to process it. At the same time I felt that one of the biggest things that was missing in the many churches I grew up in was transparency.

There was this perfectionist Christian mentality that seemed to preclude people from admitting when they were struggling. Too many were concerned with what others would think and say if they admitted their relationship with Jesus wasn’t perfect. That is a very hard way to live and I really tried to live that way.

But then I found the most amazing thing in those same believers. When I faltered or struggled and actually shared that with someone I was often overwhelmed with help or words of encouragement and even some were willing to step up and say I’ve been there too and I understand. Wow. What a blessing to receive. Acceptance and love in spite of the circumstance or struggle.

During really hard losses or struggles God showed up in those people. When my daughter died a friend called to say God told her to buy me a dress for the funeral. She bought a few and one was as if God said through her - I see you. I see your hurt and I am with you. You see the dress designer was named “Sarah Elizabeth” the name we chose for our daughter. My friend didn’t know. She just shopped for dresses because God said to.

Another time a friend called to say she wanted to do my families laundry while my son was in the hospital very near death. That is my least favorite chore. That experience was probably one of the most humbling. My pride wouldn’t let me ask for help easily and to take my dirty underwear to someone else to wash was very difficult. It was physical reminder of our need for transparency.

We learn from each other. We draw hope from each other. When we allow God to use our brokenness  to reach into others lives we give courage and strength to someone else struggling. When we don’t ask for help or someone offers and we refuse then we steal their blessing. You see there are two sides to every blessing. The blessing of being the giver (helper or servant) and the blessing as the receiver. I prefer to be the giver. I really don’t like being the recipient. And yet I have been blessed so many times by friends who listened to God. A bag of groceries or a check or even a bag of unexpected kitchen items left at an apartment door.

In the past few years I’ve really had to remind myself that I need to be aware of stealing the blessing from the giver. When someone takes the time to obey God and offer to help or share or serve and I say no it’s a missed blessing for us both.

My mom is about to go round three with cancer. She has battled breast cancer twice. Now we face yet another round. She isn’t worried about herself but she is worried. Worried for my dad who is worried for her. And worried for all of us kids who are also worried for her and my dad. But one thing I know is that we are all about to experience the blessing of God. Because regardless of what happens with her health I know that there are people who have walked this road that will come along side of us.  People will bring meals and there will be many prayers. And friend prayer is the most powerful thing we can do.

Prayer connects us the the power within (if you are a believer) and the highest power -God. The God who raises the dead and heals the sick and created the universe. Prayer connects us in the most powerful way.

So I ask any of you who read this to just pray. Pray for my family this week as we face surgery and then information.  And next time someone offers to step into your struggle say thank you and allow both of you to be blessed

Yep I'm a Mom - Not a Step Anything

In 1 Kings 3:16-27 there is a story that has always struck right to my heart. It's the story of two prostitutes who both had sons. One died and the dead child's mother took the live child. When the other mother realizes this they argue and go before King Solomon for him to determine their case. In his wisdom he threatens to split the child in half and immediately the true mother is willing to give him up to spare his life.

“Then the king answered and said, "Give the living child to the first woman, and by no means put him to death; she is his mother."”
‭‭1 Kings‬ ‭3:27‬ ‭ESV‬

What a powerful story of being a mother. 

Sometimes being a mother sucks.  Recently I read an article about mothering as a step mother and the challenges that come with being a step parent.  it gave some great insight and reminded me that we always choose how we respond to our circumstances.  Whatever they are - good or bad we choose how we react and how we use our influence in all our relationships.

I'm on my second go around as a "step" mother and I have made the choice to not be a step anything but to just be a mother.  I chose that role long before I got married the first time. I was always "mothering"/nurturing someone else.  It's part of my nature.  So when I worked with teenagers in residential treatment I utilized that nurture nature and it was hard to maintain the boundaries because I just wanted to mother. 

Sometimes  (really all the time) we have to choose to let our kids go in order to give them life.  Our role is really just to help them to a place of growth where we work ourselves out of a job. And that is really hard.  Deep down in our hearts as a mom or step mom or foster mom or caretaker or wishing I was a mom - we just want to help those in our lives become great adults.  Loving, caring people who become great parents themselves someday.

Lately the reality of my place as a mom has been even more challenging.  Mostly because I can get in my head and and wallow a bit.  My kids are far away (really only a few hours) and they are farther away than my mothering skills can reach.  My mom job is really mostly done with my kids and the kids I've acquired in my first and now second marriage are also grown - and well they have moms.  They don't really need step moms which is really as it should be. 

My kids are blessed with a second mom.  When they are with their father, she gets to "mom" them and does a great job.  My job as a step mom was limited for various reasons so really I wasn't needed to parent them.  And just as my kids are now grown - so are they.

Now, however, we are looking forward to grand kids.  That is so beyond exciting. I consider my two grand kids from my first marriage as mine even though I missed out on most of their growing years and thankfully I keep up with them through social media as much as possible since they live further away.  My kids aren't quite to the kid stage and I have a deep down feeling that when they are to that stage they won't live next door.  Being involved with them will require extra effort on our parts.

Therein is my current mom dilemma.  You see I have a new grand baby, sweet Emerson Grace, on the way.  The thing about grand parenting is you want to be involved in all the prep and planning and cute and fun stuff.  Especially as a mom.   Yet this time its really not needed on my part.  I get to support prayerfully and spoil indulgently. 

It's funny really.  You never stop "momming".  It's the whole nurturing part of you that struggles with wanting to be involved. Wanting to know the daily details of your kids lives - even when they don't want you to - and don't sleep under your roof anymore. 

My therapist husband asked this question while I was whining about my lack of involvement in the lives of my kids and kids by marriage. What void are you trying to fill?  I've spent a little time mulling that over.  You see the wallowing was starting to take me under.  Too much life in a short time was trying to overwhelm this introverted control freak.  And I think I finally have an answer for him.  It's not really that I want to fill up anything lacking, I just still haven't exactly found my place outside of being his wife.

My own mom was just diagnosed with a third round of cancer.  Uterine this time.  And being so far way and not seeing first hand that makes this control freak struggle.  That's the void.  The control void.   Since I can't be right there with my mom, I can't be right there with my kids - so I want to be right here with the other kids and anyone else who comes along - trying to mom.

But that's not my job.  Really my role as the "step" mom is to support the "mom".  I can be there if they need an ear or extra hands or some random something.  What my role really is, is to be the wife.  To support their dad and their relationship with him.  That's my role with my kids father and my role with my husband.  Love him so well that he can love his kids the best he can. 

I call it trickle down love.  (Kind of like a slinky on steps).  The better I love and support their father the better he can be the father they need or want involved in their lives.  You see it's never been about me and it shouldn't be.

So I'm a mom.  A mom who has to remember that the only way to fill any void in my life is to fill it with my Father.  The one who knows what hard parenting is and called us His family while sacrificing His only Son.

Mark 3:35 says "For whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother."

So, today, be a mom, dad, sister, brother - family to all you come across.  Love like Jesus loved.

And I'll keep being the mom He made me to be.

It's All About Control

Sometimes I think I have life all under control. When I feel like it's spinning out of control I do the things that I can actually control. Like cleaning house, cutting my hair, coloring my hair, piercing my ears or even getting tattoos.

I've done all those things at one time or another just to feel like I can control something. We think we can control our lives. Make decicions and choices and just like that we will be happy and secure. But then something "lifey" happens. A car breaks down, the ac breaks, the kids choose to do life differently than we think they should or they just go back to college and things change again. And what all that we thought we could control goes spinning like tires on black ice. Fast and furiously heading to the edge of insanity we get freaked out.

I think that's why I like tattoos. They are like permanent markers of something i can't control. I got my first one about ten years ago when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. There was nothing I could do. My mom was already a survivor so I got a pink ribbon with the word hope to just say I can't do anything but pray and hope and try to support you. I got a new one this weekend. A permanent reminder that God holds my kids in His hands. That no matter what I do or say or wish for them, ultimately it's out of my control. We got matching tattoos my kids and I. Not exactly the same but similar with one common item- a red heart. Because no matter where we go in life or how far they roam our hearts will always be connected. But I can't control their lives or mine. I just have to trust God.

Trust is hard. So very hard and so out of control.  Because trusting God is admitting that I don't have control. None. Not a drop. I can't make everything and everyone be what I want.  Only God can. And when I feel so out of control I just have to remind myself that I am not in control and not let the feelings overwhelm me. And to not let the enemy use my mind against me. I don't have to be in control. I just have to trust the one who is.

“"Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation."”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭12:2‬ ‭ ESV