United We Stand

A long time ago a group of individuals came together for one purpose. Freedom.

Freedom to speak, love and to determine the path of a country. They didn't put their faith in a man or a group of men. They put their faith in God. They worked together to create our nation. A nation I'm proud to be a part of.

Lately I've been saddened by the number of people, many I call friends or family who took to social media and used it as a platform to attack. Rather than showing love and respect they painted groups with ugly words and inflamed speech. All because of a couple of individuals and what they say they stand for. It was immediately an us against them mentality. If you even hinted to side with one over the other you were suddenly painted with a wide sweeping stroke of judgment.

I saw people argue and spew ugliness to people they say they loved and they showed no respect for a difference in views or opinions. Suddenly people who were united were divided. People I called friend grouped people who voted differently than them into a stereotypical category of uneducated or racist or whatever word didn't agree with their views.

How did we get to this place?  A place where if you don't agree with someone you are considered an evil person full of hate. How did we suddenly decide that one man or woman was the only hope for our country?  If our country is made great because of one person then we are in a sorry mess. Our country is great because it was founded on God. Right now it looks ugly and torn apart. Why? Because we took our eyes off of the one thing that made this country great. Not a party or a person but a Rock. A solid Rock that stands before our country and will stand long after it's gone.

I heard it said this morning that if you have hit rock bottom then know that the rock at the bottom is Jesus. He is the rock. The cornerstone. My prayer for the country that I love and that I'm proud to be a citizen of is that we will go back to where we started. Back to God. He is the only thing to unite us. We need to seek Him and strive to be like Him so we can love one another rather than categorizing and dividing people.

It's Not the Same

So for the first time in a while my babies are both home. Sleeping under my roof for just a couple of nights. I'm blessed to have them here and I'm so thankful. But it's not the same. It came wth sudden clarity last night that it really will never be the same. They are grown. They don't need me to tuck them in or take care of them.

Wow.  That's kind of a hard thing for a mom to acknowledge. I've struggled for the last few months with redefining my roles. And this just made it exceptionally clear that the roll of mom is pretty much done. Now it's more like counselor, friend and safe haven. I don't have to do for them. Now I just have to be for them.

I get to be their cheer leader, prayer support and place to run to. But I hope that I have taught them one thing above all else. I can't be the only one they run to. They have to run to God first. I can't fix or be all they need and no one in this world can.

When our relationship as parent shifts it's a challenge. We have to know when to draw the line and release them to the God who knew them before us. Our relationships with our parents can be tricky. I'm so blessed that my parents are still living and still there when I call. I see so many broken parents relationships and if only they would forgive.

I'm far from the perfect parent and I haven't been the perfect child (although I'm the favorite ;) ) but I know one thing. Family is all you have when life gets hard. Family by blood and family of God. But if you can't forgive and let go then you will often be on your own.

So now that I've rambled a bit I'll just say this. Life changes, you move forward and you keep loving and you keep forgiving and you keep seeking God above all else. Because when nothing seems the same God is. He never changes and He is always there

I Miss My Kids

Yep - I said it. I miss my kids. It's funny really. I love my new life and new place and settling in to fun new routines with my husband but that is why I miss my kids.

I don't miss the toddler age or when they were even little kids. I miss the last couple of years of high school and the cool relationship shift where we talked about life and they giggled and made noise. I miss not being able to share fun new things. And isn't that how you know you love someone. You want to share the good times with them.

I'm so proud of my kids. One in college and one doing a good job of adulting. Growing and maturing and they still come home and we still talk on the phone. But I miss the time with them. I knew I would and for the last eight years or so I knew this was coming. This changed relationship that will grow and mature over time but as with all loss you have to grieve what was.

Grief is such a love word. The more you love the more you grieve. So as I miss my kids I'll process this grief and appreciate even more when they are here in my presence.

“Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.” 1 John‬ ‭3:18‬ ‭ESV‬‬

If You Know Me

So on Friday I was in the car headed out of town and curiosity got the better of me. I decided to post something on Facebook that I had seen on other people's pages. It looked like this on my page:

"Car ride on the way to see the oldies and my college dude. Help me pass the time. 😃

Anyone who knows me knows I love ________"

So I was wondering. What do I love?  What do people who know me think I love? And what do I think people think I love?

The results were fairly accurate but as I dwelt on those questions my heart was a bit broken. As a believer in the world today we are under constant scrutiny. People watch to see if we are judgmental or holier than, in our words and actions. We live in a world where believing in God and what He says in His word is often seen as politically incorrect.

As a believer in God I really shouldn't be concerned about what people think except for one thing. People should see that the one thing I love most is Jesus. And then second to that should be people. It's what we are commanded to do.

“And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets."”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭22:37-40‬ ‭ESV‬‬

That's it. When people wonder what I love it should just be Jesus. I shouldn't care what they think about me other than if they see His love as the greatest thing reflected in my life. His love should be reflected in my love for my family, friends and the stranger on the street. I wish I could say that was the first and only response to my Facebook question but it was the 7th of 7. The others were all about my love for family and friends which is a good thing but man it should all be about Him.

Along that same line the verses I put in the beginning picture are a reminder that I don't need a pat on the back either. I just need to love Him so much that I become more and more like Him and my actions look like His - like love. The kind of love that overwhelms people. So that the only pat on the back I desire is to someday bow in His presence and know I devoted all of me to His kingdom.  He wants our devotion and for us to devote all of our things, people, relationships,  and work to Him. Because when we lay our lives and all we have at His feet we know we can trust Him to take care of all of it. And one day we will be able to stand in His presence and hear Him say - well done. That's the only recognition I crave - For my Father in heaven to be proud that I loved like Him.

Defined

So lately I have been trying to find my definition. You know - the one that you use to manage your life.  

Mom - daughter - wife - friend - employee - teacher - those words you use to define yourself. 

Over time our definitions in life change. Who we are and where we fit is often fluid. We move from one season of life to another sometimes easily and sometimes kicking and screaming. 

My definitions all seemed to shift at once and so today I'm trying to define where I am and who I am and who I want to be. 

I am a wife after not being one for a while and that is my favorite but is still new.  Although I'm still a mom that definition has shifted because my mom job has shifted to overseer more than the hands on mothering of the last 20 plus years. 

It's different taking on all the change at once and some days it is still overwhelming. The days when I feel a bit adrift I have to remember one thing. 

One definition that never changes in my life is Child of the King. As a believer I know that no matter what else defines me and how far I may wander away my God is still my Father and He still calls me child. That is the most important definition I can have and that's the one I cling to. 

“And call no man your father on earth, for you have one Father, who is in heaven.”

Matthew 23:9 ESV

Stormy Weather

As I head home from dropping off my son to start his college career this is what I see. We are about to drive into some stormy weather. That's exactly how my heart and life has felt for the last few months. 

I feel like I've been on a massive emotional roller coaster. From graduation, to getting married, to moving and starting over in a new job and new town to leaving both my babies three hours from my house. Ups and downs and so much fear and feeling out of control. 

There was a time in my life where I loved riding roller coasters.  The thrill of going up and down and unexpected twists and turns created exhilaration and excitement. Somewhere in life the many struggles and changes made roller coasters seem fearful. The unknown and lack of control send me spiraling to a dark place. One where I desperately try to figure things out on my own and make things work in a safe environment. 

But life...

But God...

When the things of life spiral I have to remember that for every but life the lack of control throws at me there is the but God. Because God is greater than all the other. He has proven that if it wasn't for His Presence in my life I would have died many deaths a long time ago and would likely be a bitter and angry person. 

But God reminds me of His resurrection power and when I humble myself before Him then He will walk the unknowns with me because He has already been there and knows where on the map I am. He knows what the next steps are and how I will find my new place and purpose in life. 

Outside my office window is a building that is neglected. In the gutters there are ferns that somehow grow down from nothing.  Most of the time they look brown and dead. But then God sends the rain. And with just a touch of moisture they turn green and grow.  Just as quickly they turn brown and shrivel up again. 

What a vivid reminder that when my heart breaks or feels overwhelmed and dead it only takes a drink of the living water that God offers from a relationship with Him and we can be renewed and restored. I just have to keep my face in the water that restores my soul. 

“but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."” John 4:14 ESV

Which Voice

I've always heard there are many voices vying for your attention and trying to give you wisdom or advice. Some are urgent and seem to really strive to attract your focus while others are quiet and in their silence speak volumes. 

Lately I've struggled with voices. The voice in my mind that represents all my insecurities and the voice that I recognize as truth. It's been said that satan is the father of lies and his voice is persistent. While the voice of God is often a quiet whisper in our hearts and ears. 

I started a lot of new in the last few weeks and one of the big things was a new job. Any time you start something new there is a learning curve. Things they may seem simple or easy in the past may not be in a new environment or where there are slight differences in the way something is done. 

Add to the newness a separate desire to please people and do the best to impress and very quickly the voices in my mind can get very skewed. I've always said my expectations of myself and my own self talk can be some of the scariest things I face. My new job is proving that true. I'm striving to not allow the voices in my head that say I can't, or it's too hard to rule my thoughts. When I take my focus off the one thing I should be about - pleasing God and not people - I start to fall under the weight of the voices and feel like I don't measure up. 

I let the job and the fact that I've only been doing it a couple of weeks so I'm  not perfect define who and where my worth is. That's so dumb and yet for the past couple of weeks I have been fighting my own mind. Imagining what other people might be thinking instead of acknowledging that I just haven't been there long enough to really figure it out. 

Of course as God so often does He opened my eyes a little wider this morning with our Connection Class lesson in 1 Samuel. It was about where David had the opportunity - the open door if you will - and yet He chose not to take the perfect chance to kill Saul - his enemy. Instead, he listened to the still small voice of the Father. The voice that said just trust me and my plan and just like that He kept seeking God and eventually God took care of Saul in His time and His way so David didn't have to shed the blood of the king. 

How often do we walk through the door ahead of God and end up in a situation or with a choice where the consequences were much worse when if we had waited on God things might have worked out differently. Therein is often my struggle. As I've said before I'm a fixer and just like that God reminded me today that I'm not God - I can't fix everything. I'm not perfect and I have to constantly be in His presence or else the other voices can so easily drown His out. 

His voice is the voice of the shepherd and if I'm not seeking the relationship with Him built in intimacy then my voice or the voices of my past are too loud and overwhelm me. 

I don't know if you struggle with voices from the world, or your past, or your own negative self talk but satan is quick to try to use those to come at you fast and hard so you can't hear the calming voice of the Father. So seek His face so you can recognize the voice of the one who chose you and frees you and seeks to remind you that you are worthy. Just as you are - you are flawless and beautiful to the one who made you. 

This job won't defeat me and in time I pray it will be all that I know it can and I will be able to be all they need. Until I learn it though I will listen to the Father and not my negative thoughts. 

Starting Over with New Beginnings

Sitting here watching a birthday cake cook and pondering how I got to be almost fifty and I'm in a season of new things. I always thought when you turned fifty you would be old and settled and secure. However, that was not the life that I was dealt. 

I remember thinking as the child of a marine moving from place to place that when I was grown I would feel so secure in a home where I never moved. I wanted my kids to grow up in a neighborhood where they could say they had friends for life. To me that seemed to speak of security. 

Friday, I started a new job, in a new house, in a new city with a new husband and on Tuesday, I turn fifty. In my youthful days I would say that was old but today I consider it a new beginning. The beginning of something new and exciting. A time to learn and grow and experience something new. 

I found security isn't in stuff, houses, cities, or lifelong friends. Security only comes from God. When I seek His face every day I find my worth and value and my security. 

His plan for my life included a life of brokenness and transition. A life of new beginnings and friends and acquaintances scattered around the globe bonded together by faith. There area handful of those people I could call at the drop of a hat and they would come or call or help. Some have fallen along the way but still had an impact on my journey. I'm thankful for the almost fifty years of life experiences, changes and the times that required starting over and for the many people I've encountered along the way. 

My security lies in the one who died to give it to me. If you feel lost or broken rest in the one who secures all things. He alone is the rock. 

“And you will feel secure, because there is hope; you will look around and take your rest in security.” Job 11:18 ESV

Just One Day

This past week has been full of questions. Details about this day. My wedding day. I've fielded each one with some guidelines but a somewhat nonchalant attitude. Why?  Because it's just one day. 

As I woke up this morning to the sound of thunder knowing the wedding is outside I was reminded again that this is just one day. I wanted to arrive at this day with little to no expectations because I didn't want to be caught up in worry and stress or disappointment. I simply want today to be the beginning. 

The beginning of a lifetime. And not all moments will be sunshine and roses. Some will be rain clouds and thunder. I don't want to live my life based on other people's expectations or my expectations because that will always lead to disappointments. 

Today I marry the man of my dreams. Whether we start our life together on a hillside covered with sunshine or in a barn with friends and family doesn't matter. Because it's just one day that marks the start of what's more important. 

Our marriage will be marked with many days. Some good and some bad but each one a piece of a lifetime. How we deal with the bad will help shape the good. Last night I watched my kids laugh and dance in the rain and there was lots of laughter. That's what I always hope to have. Laughter in the rain. 

So if it rains on this one day that I get married it's all okay. Because just as God takes the broken pieces of our lives and weaves them into a beautiful tapestry of grace so He will take one rainy wedding day and weave it into a lifetime of love and joy. 

“But the righteous shall be glad; they shall exult before God; they shall be jubilant with joy!” Psalms 68:3 ESV

All For Good

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 ESV

I believe marriage should be forever. It should be two people striving to help each other be the best they can be. I believe God ordained marriage as an example of the covenant He wants with us as His children. 

The reality is no matter how much we want to believe this should be forever and be happily ever after and all the fairy tale things, we are imperfect broken people. That means we sometimes face struggles and sometimes the relationship we thought was so right just doesn't work out. For whatever reason sometimes marriages end. Because we are human we alone can't just make something work just because we want it to. 

We choose however, how we allow that ending to affect us and those we have relationships with. We choose whether it's just a transition or a huge negative that makes us bitter, ugly people. 

I say with my whole heart that I have no regrets about my first marriage. Out of it I learned so much about myself and how I function in relationships. I learned that marriage is hard and you have to work every day to make it work. I gained some amazing things through my marriage. 

A friend for life. 

Two beautiful kids of my own and one amazing one from him. 

A whole additional family that I love dearly. 

Amazing insight into myself. 

I can't say that the ending was easy but as time has passed I can honestly say my first marriage was a blessing and I wouldn't change a thing. My prayer now is that my second marriage would be built on the foundations learned from the first one. I know God has to be in the center of the relationship. 

I grew up in church where divorce was looked on as the worst possible thing. And I'm not saying that it is a good thing but because we are human we are going to have struggles and sometimes things end. I think as believers what we need to learn is that regardless of whether we divorce or remarry or stay single we just have to remember that God is enough. We have to stop judging one another because we handle our struggles differently.  If we chose to love and accept each other maybe we would be in a better place. 

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:18 ESV

So as I move to the next step I know God is making all things good. He takes all our struggles and works them for His good if we let Him. Just a few more days and I will start the next step of His plan. My prayer is that I will allow every previous struggle to lead me to the place closer to His heart so God can continue to reveal Himself and make me more like Him. 

Writing Vows

Back in December I received a ring that was replacing a ring that was a promise. The first ring promised that the relationship had purpose and direction. The second ring defined it as leading to commitment. In a few short weeks I will exchange vows with my fiancé and commit my life to him. 

At the moment I'm trying to write my vows and that is no easy task. You see I was raised to believe that if you promised to do something you did all you could not to break that promise. So I've never taken that lightly. Because there is nothing more disappointing and heartbreaking than a broken promise. With my kids when they were little and asked for something or to do something I tried hard not to promise something unless I knew I could make it happen. In my life and work I've tried to always keep my word. 

Since I was married before and so was my fiancé we both are looking at marriage very differently than we did the first time. We don't want to make the same mistakes. Marriage is hard work and takes a one hundred percent commitment from both people. I can't say that I'm perfect and so of course I've made many mistakes in all of my relationships. 

As I think about these vows I can't help but think of the covenant/promise/vow that God made from the beginning to us. 

“And this is the promise that he made to us—eternal life.” 1 John 2:25 ESV

From the beginning everything God intended was for us to be with Him eternally and yet He gave us the free will to choose. We could choose to accept His promise of eternity or as we know choose not to accept. That's a long time to keep a promise. And yet everything in the Bible reflects His continual fulfillment of the promise. Even when people made mistakes. Little mistakes or big mistakes - God still loves us enough to plan for eternity. 

So as I think of my vows I want to be honest and express freely what I want to promise to do as a wife. And I want to do all I can to not break those promises. In order to do that my very first vow to my future husband is to Seek God First. Because only when I seek Him first will I be able to even come close to not breaking my promises. And since I'm human it will take daily and sometimes moment by moment seeking God to keep from messing up. 

I don't want a breakable contract with my future husband - I want a God ordained covenant and that only comes from Him. 

So in just a few short weeks I will put on a new ring that will always remind me of the promises I make. And a visual reminder to just seek God first. 

There Really Is Nothing I Can Do

“Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” Psalm 62:1-2 NIV

I am a fixer. I like to be in control and work for an outcome. Something I can touch and feel and complete. To have the satisfaction of knowing I did it and it worked or grew or whatever the outcome, it was positive. That's good and bad. 

There are many things in life that I can't fix. I can't fix other people, their problems or control the outcome of most of life. I'm not God. Sometimes I think I can control things or tell someone how to fix something but ultimately I can't. 

I got my tattoo when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was the second in my immediate family to be diagnosed with breast cancer but only one of many who have had cancer. My mom was the first to be diagnosed with breast cancer and when she was diagnosed I wasn't even in the state. When my sister was diagnosed I was in the state and realized there wasn't much I could do for her. I went with her to get her hair cut in case she had to have chemo and needed a wig. I brought her some goodies for the hospital but ultimately I couldn't do much. 

Now my mom has been diagnosed again. The other breast and this time not only do I live in the state but in the same house. That means I can be here to help. Of course all I can really do is help with the stuff. Household stuff and just stuff I can control. 

I can't really do anything. I can't fight the fight for her and I can't fix it and make it better. That is ultimately why I got my tattoo. To show my support in a tangible reminder that I can't do anything. 

When my son was small I learned this lesson in a very hard way. I lay next to him in a hospital bed praying that God would take me instead of Him. I realized at that moment that I had no control over this life. Only God has that control. 

Right now I want nothing more than to beg or bargain with God that He would fix my mom. You see the actual diagnosis and surgery aren't really what scares me. It's the unknowns that scare me. The what ifs and what else's that make me worry. It's watching my dad worry because he can't fix it either and he's scared. Scared of what we don't know. And that is where satan wants us to stay. Scared and caught up in the things we can't control or fix. Because if we focus on tomorrow and what we don't know then our focus isn't on the one who does know and who does control the tomorrows. 

God knows exactly what is going on inside of my mom. Far better than any doctor or than us or even her. He knows how hard the fight is going to be or how easy. I just have to remember that for this moment I have enough strength for today. My tattoo is just a physical reminder that there really is nothing I can do but my hope is in the one who controls the world and all that is in it. God is bigger than cancer and He always will be. So for today for this moment I'm gonna stand on the rock that won't be shaken because there is no promise of tomorrow for any of us. 

“Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” James 4:14 NIV

Waiting Sucks

Yep - that's what I said.  Waiting sucks.  It seems like that is all I'm doing these days. 

Waiting for my kids to graduate - they did and I survived.

Waiting for mom's test results - got them and now we wait for the next doctor appointment and the next step. 

Waiting for the potential job.

Waiting for the wedding, and the house and the ...

Waiting, waiting, waiting.  I'm really tired of waiting.  That seems to be one of my weaknesses.  I don't wait well.  I get impatient and try to plan or fix or do whatever might make the waiting go faster.  And often times during the waiting I let my mind figure out all the possible worst case scenarios.  What's the worst thing that could happen after the wait.  That's what I anticipate and then whatever happens usually isn't so bad.

I've heard all the clichés about waiting and I've probably even said some and then I was reminded last night of what my life verse is (you would think I wouldn't have to be reminded - it should just be the first thing I think of).  But I was reminded.  By a God who reminds me of so much that I take for granted.

Isaiah 40:31 (ESV)

³¹ but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint.

 

They who wait - shall renew.  The waiting is for the renewal. I should be resting and renewing and restoring.  That's what God wants for us -  but we have to wait for the Lord.  He will give us what we need for the next step.  How though?  How do I wait for the Lord?  That's the part I haven't' quite gotten right yet.  Sometimes I do it well.  I seek Him in scripture and song.  But sometimes I don't do it so well.  I get frustrated and tired and don't want to do anything.  That's when I give satan a chance to really get me off track. 

 

In the time of waiting - it's like preparing for battle.  I should be taking those quiet times between the struggles to prepare and renew.  To get ready for what is coming next.  It's the unknowns that drive me crazy and why I get so distracted in the waiting.  I just want to know what's next.  What's around the corner. As I was thinking about this today I was reminded that although what I'm waiting for that is unknown to me is known by someone.  GOD KNOWS!!!  He knows exactly what comes next and how and what and when.  He knows what the answer is to the question I haven't even asked.  I don't have to be afraid and I don't have to anticipate the worst or the best because He knows. 

 

As a believer I think that the waiting is especially hard because what we are waiting for is truly the greatest unknown.  We are waiting to be reunited with our God - our Father and to have that running where we don't grow weary and we walk and don't faint and where we mount on eagle wings and soar with the one who created us. 

 

Recently I saw this picture on Facebook and it so made my heart soar.  It's a perfect picture of this verse.  Why do I worry when I have visible reminders of how God provides all around me.  So as I wait - I'm going to do all I can to keep my eyes on the God who makes the eagles soar and try to rest up for whatever may be ahead.

Photo by Sherri Talley

 

Unhatched Eggs

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 ESV

I'm sure you've heard the saying never put all your eggs in one basket. That can be interpreted for many things but lately I've been thinking of it in the form of don't get caught up in the plan you have for your life. 

I'm one of those control people. I like to be in control. I want to plan what will happen and stick to the plan. But that doesn't always work. I can't see all the ways my plan could go wrong or get messed up. All I can see is what is going on today. 

The last few years God has really been working on me not getting caught up in the plan. Letting go of having to plan everything out and not getting upset when plans have had to change. It hasn't been easy. I've had to relax and just focus on the moment. Some days I think I'm doing pretty good and then I encounter a change and I have to readjust my attitude. 

This year I adopted the word change as my word for the year. Why?  Because I knew it would be better to embrace what I knew to be a year full of change rather than struggle against all the changes I knew would be coming. It hasn't been easy. I keep trying to figure out how all the pieces will fit and they don't. 

My most recent visual aid that God used was a bluebird nest. I watched as the momma bluebird built a nest and then proceeded to lay five eggs. The eggs weren't there all at one time. One day there was two and a day or so later there was five. So I knew that they wouldn't likely all hatch together. But I checked each day and finally one hatched. Each day I have checked for the other four and each day they sit there as this one baby gets feathers and grows bigger. I kept hoping the others would hatch but I've finally decided that for whatever reason the other four eggs aren't going to hatch. It's been too long. It was disappointing. I expected five baby bluebirds. Not one. 

Isn't that just like us. We expect our plan to work like clockwork and be all that we want it to be. And then God - He works His plan. And often it doesn't look like what I want or happen in the time I want. So I just have to sit back and watch and wait and trust. That's the hard part. You see trust is never easy. But man is God worthy of our trust. He is a keeper of promises and fulfills all of our expectations. No person is capable of that. No one else can take our plan and twist it all around and make something more amazing than we ever could imagine. Only God. 

So as I wait for that one bluebird to leave home I know the other eggs were there for me. To remind me to trust God's plan. Because His plan is the best one. 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV

That Mother Thing

“Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.” Proverbs 23:22 ESV

If you are a mom, had a mom, want to be a mom or just know a mom then you know mothering is hard. Someone on Facebook asked what the things are we fear most as moms. A large number said losing their child or somehow losing what we think they should be or do. It all came back to fear. 

I think the biggest fear is that somehow the choices I made or am making will do more harm than good to my kids. In my finite, superficial mind it's really more about me than them. And the reality is, it's not about me at all. I didn't really make them and I can't ultimately break them. Yes as moms we can do great good and even some really bad things to our kids. But God is the one who holds it in is hands. The miracle of birth and life lay solely on Him. 

I think if I just point them to Him then no matter how good or how bad I do at this mother thing then He can draw them to Himself and work out what is best but I do need to diligently show them God. 

It's almost Mother's Day and it's making me think about where I learned to mother. My mom has been a great example of mothering. She was a marine wife who followed my dad where the military took him. Often to places where she didn't know anyone and was left to raise her babies without a whole lot of support. She lost her parents too early and lost a child as well. Yet she persevered. 

Somehow we all four graduated high school and have families of our own with jobs to support ourselves. She did a lot of praying and spent a lot of time with God. 

I've been blessed the last two years to live with my parents again. I've seen the toll that aging takes and the love that 56 years of marriage holds together. I've seen how I reflect different parts of my parents as I mother my children. 

In just a short time my kids will graduate high school and college and I will get married again and move to a new place leaving my parents home alone. I'm torn about that because I've been able to help them do things that they love to do and eased some of the work. I know they don't really need me but sharing the load always makes it easier. 

As I hear all the comments about mothers and the emotions that run rampant on Mother's Day, the hurts and bitterness and loss, I'm reminded again of how God is the great provider. He is the one who gives life and uses it for His will and His glory. 

I pray that as you celebrate Mother's Day you will remember those who can't or don't celebrate but grieve on Mother's Day. Take the time to pray for those who won't be as happy about celebrating. Reach out to those who just need a touch. 

That mothering thing is hard and it never gets easier. We are but a vessel to be used and some times the vessel gets cracked and broken. But good comes through the cracks when the Holy Spirit fills all the parts. 

“Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life.” Proverbs 16:31 ESV

Dead Heading Roses

I love roses. All kinds of flowers really but especially roses. They come in all colors and shapes and sizes. With different thorns and patterns as well. 

Yesterday I was dead heading the roses at our house and also trying to process an emotional day of final things. It's a year of change and I knew there would be many lasts as my kids graduate and move forward and yesterday marked the last pass and review and awards ceremony. The last of eight years of memories watching one or both of my kids in a uniform. It made me a lot sad and afraid. 

Hanging on to the yesterdays and the todays is so much easier than anticipating the tomorrows. The unknowns are frightening. Getting up at four in the morning and riding a bus full of anxious and excited AFJROTC teenagers was fun and I learned a lot about my kids and how they grew in their courage and friendships. These groups were like family and it's hard to imagine no more of those times. 

But as I was snipping the full bloomed and dead rosebuds off our bushes I was reminded of something. In order for the new buds to have life and food to grow, the dead and grown flowers have to be removed. Just like we have to let go of the old in order to embrace the new. Just like God has to chip off the ugly parts of our nature in order to paint and fill us with the beauty of His Spirit. Nothing that is alive and growing and healthy can remain the same. 

My kids and I are on the brink of new adventures. My daughter as she tackles the big girl world of jobs and bills and a second degree. My son as he heads to college to find what he loves and what God has planned. And me as I leave the comfort of the known to marry an amazing man in a community and job that are as of now very unknown. In order to be more like Christ we have to throw off the old and reach for the new. 

It's frightening and exciting and I know that with God all things are possible and whatever plan He has is far better than any I have. So I'm sure there are more tears to shed but they are mixed with great joy for tomorrow. I'm just trusting in the one who knows because He sees tomorrow already. 

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,” Hebrews 12:1 NIV

No Heartbeat

Probably the two hardest words I've ever heard. Nine months pregnant with no unusual difficulties with the pregnancy and then to hear the words "no heartbeat". At the time we didn't know if we were expecting a boy or a girl and in a matter of just a few minutes our world shifted. We went from joy and expectation to loss and uncertainty. That was nineteen years ago. 

Just a little over a year after that I was told those words again. This time with a pregnancy barely in the process. A baby that was expected to fill the gap suddenly was an uncertainty. A weekend of prayer and pain and crying out for miracles. And then there he was. A tiny heartbeat waiting to be born. 

Fear can rob the joy. As we drew closer to the due date for David the loss of Sarah brought fear for what might happen. We waited for this miracle that couldn't be found at three months to be delivered before the forty weeks with excitement and hope and a shadow of fear. 

There has been lots of change since that time but one thing never has changed. My God is faithful. He has walked with me in the valleys and on the mountains. But it's been the valleys that have built the strongest faith. I can honestly say I wouldn't choose to ever experience the bad stuff again but I also have to say that those broken times are the best. They gave me appreciation for the moments. 

I just read something the other day that says we remember the moments not the days. I could tell you story after story of moments in my life where God showed up big. Moments where joy was overwhelming and grief rocked me to the core and I wouldn't change any of those moments. Don't ask me about dates or days or even to remember names of long past friends.  For some reason my mind doesn't hold those as well. But the moments. The ones that were a reflection and intentionally marked by God. Those I can remember. 

As I look around at my kids and my family and so many people who have touched my life I know that the words "no heartbeat" are a lie. The heartbeats live on. My Sarah's heart beats with my Jeaus and in me and my kids and all of those moments that continue to be a part of us. 

My God is a big God and He gets bigger through each beat of my heart. 

“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” Psalm 91:1 NIV

When the Littles get Big

Ecclesiastes 3:1-15 is a great reminder of time. Each season of our lives is just that - a season. A passing moment. And together the seasons make up our lives. Some seasons are harder to manage than others. 

I've lived in a variety of places and the changing of seasons I've experienced each have beautiful parts and ugly parts. For instance - winter in the mountains is beautiful when the white snow coats all around you making it look like a postcard. But not so pretty the very next day when that same snow is dirty and brown and has to be shoveled and leads to mud. Just as spring in the south puts forth amazing flowers and bluebird nests that bring joy for the moment until the heat of summer or showers and humidity make you forget the beauty. 

Just as nature has good and bad so do the seasons of our lives. And as I get older the seasons seem to go much faster. 

When my kids were little time seemed slower. I looked forward to and couldn't imagine the exciting things rhey were learning to do and say and the fun activities that would be available as they got older. Along the way there were good seasons and bad. 

I knew last year when school started back that this season of change would speed up like a runaway locomotive going downhill as soon as we got past Christmas. Today I am on the less than a month side of having two graduates and a less than three months from marrying and moving to a whole new chapter. The days are rocketing by and this weekend it picked up speed. 

Taking senior pictures with my oldest and printing pictures for invitations with my youngest and nailing down more wedding details made the moments so bittersweet. As excited as I am for all that I know they will accomplish the fear of change can overwhelm me. 

So today I'm clinging to this verse and many others. “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10 NIV. 

My littles aren't little anymore and as fearful as I may be about tomorrow I can rest in knowing that the God who created the world prepared already the good works He wants us all to do. 

When Normal Isn't Normal

Psalm 139:14-15(ESV)

¹⁴ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

 

It's hard to believe that this guy is about to graduate and go to college.  As the third baby he came after a loss.  His sister was expecting a baby sibling just as we were expecting a new baby.  When we didn't get to keep the baby sister we had to deal with the loss.  But then we got the boy.  The dude.  The monster I call him.  I don't know if you have ever lost something and then gotten a replacement or a new one of whatever you lost but when you lose something and it's replaced you tend to treasure the replacement in a different way.  You don't necessarily love it more than the original but you have a deeper appreciation for it.

 

When it comes to losing a baby and then having another one that appreciation is even deeper than you could imagine.  You value that life and you may tend to be overprotective and hover more or whatever parenting style you  have may be more.  Just more.  This is what happened with my dude.  Not only me but his sister tended to be much more protective and appreciative of the addition.  I think that's why my children have a special connection that draws them together. 

 

Once he came along he was so easy.  Normal - easy baby - easy attitude and a happy baby.  We learned early though that he kind of danced to a different drummer.  He had trouble shifting gears or changing tasks and could be resolutely focused and yet easily distracted.  Simple tasks took much longer to complete and could result in frustration and tears.  It wasn't until he started to school that we realized there was a bit more to it than just normal boy stuff.  Then we hesitated to label and medicate because well no one wants to recognize that your child isn't what the world would call "normal".  In the second grade my smart, compassionate boy was labeled as ADD.  Not hyper but Attention Deficit.  As a mom I thought I got this.  I thought okay we just take some medicine and move on.  I loved school and I didn't want him to be frustrated and not like school so we took care of the problem.

 

Then we faced other issues - health issues that nearly cost his life.  It was determined that he had a kidney that wasn't working properly and so we took out the bad kidney and moved on thinking all was back to normal.  But normal in the world of ADD is not the normal that I understand.  For him normal is very different.  Then we got the scoliosis diagnosis and normal shifted again.  It's taken me almost eighteen years to figure out normal for my David.  He is so amazing. 

 

Recently I have watched him face some things that after 12 years of school you would think we would have already handled but because he is extremely smart we haven't.  He is actually struggling in a class to the point that we are concerned with his passing.  As we've talked and processed it's been enlightening to get a glimpse of what goes on behind his eyes.  His brain doesn't work like mine.  What I consider normal and what he considers normal do not equal the same thing.  When he doesn't take his medicine he says his brain is like a million things running in a million directions and he has trouble focusing on one thing at a time.  You can especially tell this when he is talking.  Conversations run from one topic to another very quickly and can go in circles and with great detail.  When he is on his meds he says its like all the things are still there running in a million directions just at a slower pace.  That is evident again when you talk to him or he has to do written work.  He can stay on task better but it takes longer to put the thoughts together.  That needless to say has created crazy time when it comes to homework and testing and especially writing essays. 

 

We're truly been blessed and not really had to struggle too much through school.  Don't get me wrong there have been tears and bad grades and lots of crazy times but overall he will graduate with great scores and move on to college with a mind ready for more and I'm terrified.  I'm not afraid of the classes and what he will accomplish but I'm afraid of not being there.  When you do all you can for your kids and protect them and then realize that you still haven't faced it all you just want to protect them.  To keep them safe from the "normal" world out there that can't quite understand the normal that is your child.  I want to just be there.  To hold his hand or prod him or just be sure he doesn't get hurt.  And yet - I know that's not possible.  Because he has to move on and do it for himself.  He is way stronger than I am. 

 

Just the other day he told me a couple of things that revealed to me even more about how wise he is.  He said mom I'm glad I have ADD.  I wouldn't want to be "normal".  I'm used to my brain and I couldn't imagine it different.  It would be boring.  The cool thing about his normal is his amazing eye for art and detail.  He is so gifted and it brings a dimension to life that I might would have missed without him.  The other thing he told me was that he doesn't like to watch the news because bad stuff sometimes physically makes his heart hurt.  The compassion he has is amazing. 

 

As difficult as losing something is sometimes in that loss we get to be blessed even more.  God knew I needed this kid in my life.  To test and teach and build in me an acceptance that normal is not always what I think it should be.  Normal is relative to each person.  There really is nothing normal.  If we expect normal we will be disappointed.  Normal is just a word.  It really doesn't mean anything.  So just sit back and let God work His plan.  That - what God does in and through you - that's the only normal there is.

Are They Really Judging Me?

I was struck recently by how much I think about whether I am judging someone or being judged. Last night watching Dancing With the Stars I was amazed when one of the competitors was visibly upset and made the comment that she worried about what other people thought. This was someone who has lived a lot of life in the public eye and was concerned about what others thought. 

How sad that so often we allow what others think determine what we do and how we do it. We allow perceived judgment to dictate how we live our lives.  I think what's even sadder is when we judge those we think are judging us. In other words we think we know what someone else is thinking so we treat them differently because of it. 

Maybe we think they disapprove of our life choices so we shut them out of our lives. Maybe we even think we have proof because of things that might have been said or taken out of context and we use that to judge their judgment. 

This seems to especially apply to family. I think so often we worry about what our family might think so we don't let them see the truth or we stay away in order to protect ourselves from what we think they will do or say. We judge their judgment. Maybe even over information heard from sources other than direct. 

The reality is until we allow them to act out their words we really don't know what they think. And odds are as so often is true we worry about things that other people aren't even thinking. What selfish thoughts we have to think that any and everyone is so concerned with what we do that they are judging us.  Most of the time when we worry about what others think they aren't even thinking about us. 

So today I'm just gonna try and focus on the only opinion that matters. That is my God who is the only opinion I need. And I'm going to strive not to judge or imagine judgment where it likely doesn't exist. 

Forgive often and love easily. We were given the greatest gift and as we draw close to Easter we need to be focused fully on what He gave for us and give that to others. 

When the Water Rises

“And I remembered the word of the Lord, how he said, ‘John baptized with water, but you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit.’” Acts 11:16 ESV

I have been privileged to live in a variety of locations and in doing so I have experienced a variety of natural disaster type events. I've sat in hallways with tornados blowing by. Moved inland to watch the sky turn orange during a hurricane. I have driven in and been closed in by blizzards and most recently I sat through a flood. 

I have to be honest the flooding seemed more challenging than the others. I'm not sure why. If it was the fear of losing power or not being able to just take control and drive out or just waiting to see if the water would rise so high that it would enter the house and we would have to leave. I honestly don't know how Mrs. Noah didn't go crazy during the flood. 

One of the first things I noticed as the waters rose is that everything and I mean even heavy things began to float. Things that weren't attached and some that were attached just began to rise up and move. I chased gas cans and trash cans and fished some other floating debris before it could get too far away. 

Then the water started to recede and we were able to survey the damage and go to church. What a blessing to be able to get out. And then God showed me a beautiful lesson. There is debris. Lots of debris. It was flushed out of unknown places. Pieces of wood and excess stuff and lots of trash. And now it's lying al over waiting to be gathered up and thrown away or burned. 

What a great image of how the Holy Spirit works. He floods our life with His power and presence. He washes out the debris. The light easy things and the heavy nasty things. He cleanses us of all the impurities that on our own we don't always recognize. And it's overwhelming and continual. 

At first He comes in quickly and washes away the stuff we know needs to go. But over time He continues to flood us and sometimes we struggle with the enormity of the water and we try to hold on to the debris. It hurts and it's wedged deep inside but the Spirit keeps flowing and eroding those places away. 

Finally as we see the debris we gather it up and let it burn out of our lives. We throw it away and realize that we are becoming cleaner and clearer and more like Him. I read a blog today that said our greatest dream should be Jesus. Jesus can't be where the debris (sin) is. It has to be washed away by the Spirit. That's why Jesus came to wash away our sins and cleanse us from our impurities and the Holy Spirit is the power that continues to clean us. 

When we allow the floods to wash the impurities then God restores and rebuilds us in stronger purer form. We are His and will someday stand pure in His presence. 

“Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.” Psalm 51:7 ESV

The best part of being flooded by he Spirit is that He will fill us with the better things. The things that don't need to be burned or tested. The fruits of the Spirit. 

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”

Galatians 5:22-23 ESV

That's what the Spirit is doing when He floods our lives. Making room for the fruit. Are you prepared for the flood of His presence?  Let him wash away the debris and let the fruit grow. 

Missed Opportunities

Obedience without question. That is hard to do. This weekend I had an opportunity. Just a small encounter where I felt God directing me and I hesitated. Not long and I did complete the task but that small amount of hesitation caused me to miss a blessing. I missed the chance to see a smile and that made me wonder. 

How many times has God called me to do something and I missed it?  Maybe by a little or maybe a lot. What a realization that if I would just obey immediately I would have the opportunity to not only bless but be blessed and further the kingdom of God just a little bit. 

It made me think how frustrated I get when my kids don't immediately obey what I ask of them. I wonder how frustrated God gets with me. All because I waited. I waited to keep from stepping on someone's toes or I was scared. And I missed it. I missed the opportunity. How sad God must get when we miss a divine appointment and someone else has to do what we should have. 

I'm praying for eyes to see and courage to act more quickly when I feel God's quiet prompt. Not to run ahead looking for something but to just be focused on Him so when He says move I move. Just trust and obey. That's all He asks. 

Flying Time

Ecclesiastes 3:11 (ESV) He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.

You hear all the time how time flies.  It seems like the minutes go faster the older we get.  And yet some days seem to drag.  I'm not really sure why that is the case but lately the moments seem to become seconds and fly through space without anything to slow them down.  That is good and bad.  Good in that I'm ready to move to the next phase - to be married to the man I love and move and get settled into a new normal.  Bad in that my kids are just weeks away from graduation and being far more independent than I think I'm ready for. 

Every day seems to gain speed in some ways and slow down in others.  It's funny time - what is it really.  I really don't think we have a clue.  It's just a marker that we live by to try to anticipate the future.  Realistically speaking I believe the reason our time and God's time never seem the same is because we really have no concept of time.  We can't comprehend what God does and so He gave us this way to track our days to give us some sense of security. 

When I look back at how it always seemed like time dragged and realize how many things and people I don't remember I realize that time is relative to the moment we are in.  The years all seem to merge together into a blur of mismatched memories that really I can't keep straight.  I envy people who can mark time and memories and tell you exactly what happened on a certain day or month or year.  I don't really understand how that works because for me there are moments that really stand out and then there are long stretches that just run together.  Dates are not my thing.  It's not that I don't have very specific memories but they are more centered around what happen than when. 

I was just thinking today and trying to put a time on something and realized it had been much longer than I thought.  It happens so quickly that I look back and realize time has passed.  They say time heals all wounds and I guess that is true because for me at least the bad things don't seem to pop up and I really have to think to nail down dates.  For me that's good except for the number of people that I honestly don't remember.  I can sometimes see the faces in my mind but I can't find the names or even remember the events.  It's sad and make me feel like a really bad friend or person.  I am trying harder these days to be more intentional and just hold on to people but it's hard. 

In my heart all the people are a part of me and I know they have impacted my life - they helped me through times when I was lost or alone and even though I don't remember every name and every face I am who I am because of those who touched even a small part of me.

Thank you.  Thank you all for each touch - those remembered and forgotten.  Thank you.

Complicated Consequences

All choices have consequences. It doesn't matter how big or how small the choice each one has an outcome that is a direct result of that choice.  

Over the years I have tried to always teach my children the reality of consequences. If I told them not to jump on the bed I did it with the explanation that jumping on the bed might cause you to fall and bust your head. I wanted them to understand the things they did came with consequences. I haven't always succeeded. I haven't always stuck to the parenting rule of threats for behavior and consequences as a result. Sometimes I've protected or justified or tried to fix it. 

I've come to realize that my co-dependent fix it nature shines the most with my kids. I want them to do the best and be the best and sometimes that's good in that I have pushed them to finish the things they start. Commitment to finish what you promised to do even if it isn't as fun as you thought and when they decide it's too much they are responsible for making the call to the person they made the promises to. 

Then there are the other things I haven't been as good at. Making sure they understood the impact of not doing homework or waiting to the last minute to do something and then nagging or helping them. It's hard to be the bad guy and sometimes you just want to throw up your hands. 

And then a light came on for me. I'm not the bad guy. I'm just the mom trying to get them to the next step. Ultimately they choose whether they stick with something or finish their homework or graduate. They have to want to do those things. Not just because I want them to but because they recognize the consequences and make the choices in light of the outcome. 

As an adult I can look back on my choices and recognize the consequences. Each thing I chose to do or not to do had repercussions and those are like circles in the pond when you drop the stone. The circles keep spreading out. As parents our choices early in our lives impact our children and the grandchildren to come. Whatever we do as a parent touches their lives for eternity. How they treat people and how they live life is a result of something they learned either good or bad from us and we learned from our parents. We tend to choose to do the same as or the opposite of what we learned depending on how we interpreted what we were taught. 

Just as the Israelite kings either followed after God or the idols of the land each choice had a lasting impact on the next generation. As believers the way we share Christ has a lasting impact on the next generation. It's a choice we make. What image of Christ are we showing. We choose. We choose every day to be like Him or not. 

So some consequences are hard and some days you wake up and realize it's time to choose different. Choose to be like Christ. 

“His mercy extends to those who fear him, from generation to generation.”

Luke 1:50 NIV